I never thought that I would feel this much depressed and desperate in my life. I am 25, still struggling with a situationship that is starting to be very bad for my mental health because the guy I thought was fair, made for me, compatible started being careless, hurting me and disappointing me every day. Yet, I still don’t move on from those relationships. Let me recap shortly my year that led to these feelings:
1. In December 2022, my grandad passed away due to a heart attack. Was suddenly and quite a shock because it was my first so close relative death experience.

2. In March 2023, his wife passed away due to cancer that manifested because of the sadness she carried for my grandad. This was the moment when I developed a fear of uncertainty in life, death, and panic that something bad would happen any moment to any of my close people. I became depressed, scared, and anxious all the time. (Don’t know how to solve this feeling, it eats me alive. I cannot enjoy anything in my life or be happy, I am constantly walking on eggshells.)

3. Made up with my ex of 6 years 2 times, and ended very poorly those two times. The thing is: when I am without him I miss him terribly and ask myself if is the right choice to not be with him, but when I am with him I can’t stand him and our incompatibility, difference in values, and topics, it frustrates me a lot. (Here I developed a feeling of insecurity and whether I made the right choice by walking away. After those horrible 6 years, he started being a good “boyfriend” but I couldn’t feel the chemistry and connection between us. I am struggling with the thought: Will you let him go forever?)

4. The friend that we cannot be together  (on-off between ex). I am not proud to tell some things that happened, but this starts to cool off and I start being hurt and panicking. He started being very unattentive, careless, and hurting me every day with everything he did. He does not try to do his best or to make this relationship something bigger. (This feeling hurts me a lot and makes me so depressed and dying inside because I am so codependent of his behavior that day and I change my mood based on our vibe in the relationship. I tried talking to him many times, but he always hurt me with an aggressive attitude and then we waited till I started behaving well and started behaving friendly. I struggle so much with not letting this go because I can’t, I feel like I will lose everything from myself. )

5. Disappointed in girlfriend relationships. I had a best friend who was my twin flame, very close, and suddenly she got into a relationship, started being different, and distant and I didn’t like the boyfriend at all. She now is engaged even though they have been together for 6 months and I found out on an IG story. I video-called her, congratulated her, and texted her that I didn’t want to miss this part of her life and that I loved her so much. And I still haven’t gotten a reply (been a week now). This happened with two previous best friends when they got a boyfriend, started being different, and just removed me as a friend. (I struggle with if I am the problem. Somehow, always I am the side piece in everyone’s life although I try to make everyone feel special in my life. I just feel sick and so bad that everyone is doing this. I am happy for everyone and is their decision what they do in life, but I am always like nothing, like just a piece of clothing in everyone’s life no matter how hard  I try.)

6. I feel like I have a life that is dull and nothing is happening. And I am scared for myself, fear of missing out. A lot of people in my generation started being engaged, and having relationships… I tried many things in my life, going to the gym, and being out with friends I still feel like A LOT is missing in my life. I do not feel happy. I feel desperate to find a way out of this misery I feel. I was feeling a lot of panic, and anxious thoughts and I felt suicidal because I felt like I didn’t want to be like this anymore. I want a happy fulfilled life, with no fears and anxious thoughts. I want to be independent and not to be scared to leave something that is toxic behind.

I don’t know where to start and what to do. I feel helpless and so depressed. I want to feel free and not have these worried thoughts all the time about everything. I want to feel easy and to say yeah right if that goes, goodbye. Not to rethink everything for the 100th time. It kills me to be an overthinker, to have these thoughts these feelings.