Hi Anita

Yes, it’s hard to see that he may be settling with his life considering how much we talked about wanting to have our own spaces. We even joked about getting excited over buying our own dish cloths someday. I’ve been crying so much again over him lately that I think I am going to just have to accept that the pain is here to stay until further notice. That’s all I can do, just let myself hurt without making myself feel bad about it, no matter what anyone else has to say about my process. I just hope something eventually clicks for me and the pain will lessen someday. Letting myself just imagine not crying over him and hurting so much constantly would be a win for me. And like you said, proving to myself that my life has value to keep going.

I got a car update today. The repair bill stands at $700 so far, which will take just about all of my upcoming paycheck. Also, a few months ago I noticed a small pea-sized like “ball” in the right side of my neck. I tried to tell myself it was just a swollen lymph node. Well, now it’s at least twice that size as I just noticed it again today at work. I’m getting really concerned it could be something serious so I called an ENT and have an appointment scheduled for December – the earliest they could see me. My consultation alone is going to be $220. It’s impossible to save money like this, but I hope they don’t find anything serious. I don’t know why I’m sharing this here, I just am really worried about it on top of this other stuff.