October 20, 2023 at 12:47 am #423578
Thank you for organizing my thoughts so neatly, I will definitely take these notes to a therapist when I can. I already re-read my thread a lot too because I feel like this place is sort of my new way of journaling, with the added benefit of getting feedback from others. These thorough responses have been so comforting to receive.
“I believe that you’ve been ruminating about him so heavily since the breakup because.. you still feel that he is your hope for safety.” …” You feel a huge loss: subjectively (the way you feel), it is a huge loss, but objectively (reality is), there is no loss: he’s just a guy with his own problems, living at home with his parents, not making much money; a guy who talked a good game, telling you exactly the words you desperately needed to hear. But even if he meant those words (I assume he did) these are still only WORDS. It takes so much more to.. be a mensch (a person of integrity and honor).” — I can see that I have him placed way above me in my head, absolutely. I can see he has avoidance and communication issues. I can see he has had a lot of things catered to him in his life and so he’s not as “on guard” in general as I am about having to get my basic needs met. But, it still feels like a huge loss as well because I’ve never been so passionate about someone and have that same passion reciprocated for me.
“Even if you didn’t seek his reassurance, even if you acted perfectly at all times (an impossibility for any human), he’d still be who he is and what you would have gotten from him would’ve been more words. Even if he had the right emotion to go with his words, what you need is real-life action that’s congruent with.. integrity and honor.” — There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions there. Talk about REALLY making my inner child feel seen – someone I really liked actually feared losing me for once and was trying to compromise with me in a healthy way. So you think he never wanted long-term commitment with anyone anyway, at least not for now? I guess it’s an issue with my insecurities to think that he was open to a future with me until something changed about me for him. As you’ve said, maybe he thought he wanted something but his actions couldn’t match his words when truly tested over time. I have to accept that he’s not doing anything about it now and had no problem completely cutting me off after telling me he wanted us to work through this breakup together.
I cried tonight because I saw a video of a girl talking about how when you mourn the loss of a relationship, you’re mourning a version of a person you loved who no longer and will no longer exist to you ever again. It will never be the same because now there is hurt and history. Not only that, but you are mourning YOURSELF and who you were before it ended, and how you will never get that version of yourself back again. This made me burst out into tears. I do miss that version of me with him. I felt as though all these years of TRYING to at least be self-aware and work through my triggers and anxious attachment/codependency issues had finally paid off and I was being met with a healthy and securely attached person. I tried to self-regulate and self-care throughout this whole relationship when I felt neglected or triggered. But I know I was very reactive the night of the breakup. To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off. I really, really hope you are right when you say that my issues alone weren’t enough for him to tip the boat and leave.October 20, 2023 at 10:51 am #423594
You are welcome! “I can see that I have him placed way above me in my head… But, it still feels like a huge loss as well because I’ve never been so passionate about someone and have that same passion reciprocated for me”-
– I understand and I agree, no doubt at all, that indeed it feels to you like a huge loss. What I am saying is that objectively, it is not a loss: you lived in a dysfunctional home before you met him, while you dated him, and after the breakup. You worked in the same underpaying jobs before, during and after the relationship; car braking down before, during and after, etc.
If because of him being in your life, your objective circumstances changed for the better (let’s say you moved in with him to a place and an area that you couldn’t afford alone, and that made it possible for you to get adequate sleep at nights, and find a better-paying job, etc.), and then, because of the breakup, your objective circumstances deteriorated (you had to move back home with your family, couldn’t get enough sleep, lost the better paying job, etc.), then the breakup would have been a huge loss objectively.
“There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions“- what actions?
“So you think he never wanted long-term commitment with anyone anyway, at least not for now?“- you shared that (1) You met him when he was 30-years-old, and that (in 12 years of being an adult/ about 15 years of dating-age), he never had a relationship, let alone a long-term committed relationship (“He has never had a real relationship… all his others were failed situationships and hookups“). This is not promising when you think about it.
(2) The 1-year only relationship with him was long-distance, you didn’t meet often, you weren’t satisfied with the frequency of the communication in between meetings.. again, not promising.
(3) All through the relationship, he lived with his parents because he couldn’t afford a place of his own (“we are both stuck living back home with family in bad financial positions“), and he spent a lot of time- not looking for a better-paying job- but on gaming and liking photos online.. again, not promising.
“As you’ve said, maybe he thought he wanted something but his actions couldn’t match his words when truly tested over time. I have to accept that he’s not doing anything about it now”- he said wonderful-sounding things while living the same kind of life- objectively- that he lived before he met you. And those circumstances did not involve you except for approximately 5 days per month, 60 days total (“we only were able to meet about 1-2 (sometimes 3) times per month and always spent about 2 days together each time“).
“I cried tonight because I saw a video of a girl talking about how when you mourn the loss of a relationship… you are mourning YOURSELF and who you were before it ended, and how you will never get that version of yourself back again”- good: don’t get any version of yourself back. Instead, go back to being the true, authentic person you were in the very beginning of your life.
“To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off”- meant by whom?
“I really, really hope you are right when you say that my issues alone weren’t enough for him to tip the boat and leave“- as I see it, there was no boat: he was living on his island, with his family of origin; you were living on another island with your family-of-origin, and the two of you met of a ferry 2-3 times per month for a year.
His past (no relationship experience at all at 30-years-old), his life-situation (inadequately paying job- if he had a job at all, I don’t remember now, and living with his parents) and personality/ the way he spent his time (gaming, lots of time online) were not and are not promising at all when it comes to a long-term committed relationship that would be of real, objective benefit to any romantic partner in great need for objectively better life circumstances (unless his parents were to financially support their son and his partner), and these pre-existed him ever meeting you and have NOTHING to do with you.
I am not saying that you should date a man for his or his parents’ money. I am saying that as you consider a romantic relationship, improving your objective life circumstances- and being honest and upfront about it- should be a necessary part of your consideration: the man doesn’t have to be rich; paying half the rent in a place where you can sleep t night.. would be a great improvement.
Back to becoming the true and authentic person that you were born to be: free from unnecessary constraints, shame, guilt.. that is something to look forward to, isn’t it?
anitaOctober 20, 2023 at 6:24 pm #423605HelcatParticipant
I’m glad that you’re starting to feel better sickness wise.
I think it depends on how good people are with self-care. There is ultimately, nothing wrong with sharing even difficult emotions. It’s a very healthy thing to do. We are social creatures and all need support especially when we are struggling.
I think the difficulty is that not everyone is capable of providing emotional support to others.
We do have our limits but there is a massive variety in what people are capable of. Some people do it as a job. Some people like Anita choose invest time and effort in supporting others every day. I always admired that she took the time to respond to everyone.
Whilst I would like to respond to everyone. On good days I do my best to. Sometimes I need to focus on practicing self-care. If I am busy, or going through a lot emotionally. I may choose to only communicate a few people and even then there may be days where I need to focus on taking care of my own emotions and take a short break.
I think you have a lot of people in your life who fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. This has created a lot of shame for you in sharing your emotional needs.
Even in your relationship where you felt supported. You were shamed for your emotional needs. He often blamed you for your understandable feelings about concerning behaviours that he was unwilling to change.
Asking a healthy person for reassurance doesn’t turn them against you. I’ve repeatedly asked my husband whilst being pregnant if he’s still attracted to me. He just holds me and and reassures me.
It is honestly disgusting that your partner told you that he was no longer attracted to you and continued to sleep with you. It’s abusive. If you were more confident in your boundaries you would have ended the relationship then and there when he said that to you. I think it’s a good thing that the relationship is over. You don’t need someone in your life who actively shames and humiliates you like that. Good luck to the next person he dates. They are going to need it! I expect that he will have persistent difficulties in relationships for a while.
It’s tempting to reflect on the good parts of the relationship and pretend that it was perfect. But it wasn’t. The signs of avoidant behaviour were present. It’s been discussed at length already. Realistically, he never even tried to match the level of effort you put into the relationship. He never even bothered to call you. That simple action was too much like effort for him and actively refused. What could you do if your boundaries were stronger in this case? Refuse to call him unless he takes his turn to contact you. Realistically, what hope is there in a relationship for someone too lazy and uncaring to bother even calling? This stands out to me because it’s so ridiculous. So small a request and so easy to fix with so little effort. He just didn’t want to.
I think that it’s a good thing that you were persistent in confronting him about issues that you were concerned about. It made things very clear that you were not going to accept the behaviour.
Because of the abuse and difficulties in life you cannot imagine better. But it exists and you deserve it. You deserve to be treat with the same kindness that you show other people.
Because of the previous abuse, you doubted your own boundaries and put up with too much bad behaviour.
Everyone has problems, but the sign of a good partner is someone who is willing to work on issues when you discuss them. Someone who is willing to compromise.
I think you understand what happened in the relationship. But you also experienced gaslighting. Gaslighting can be very confusing and make you doubt your own perspective. It’s natural to want to empathize with a partner’s perspective but it’s harmful and damaging when they deny your own boundaries.
You frequently experienced partial validation, refusal to change and blame. It’s a very confusing mix. It’s basically someone who is pretending to be healthy, but they’re not really.
He hasn’t quite learned from therapy and been able to fully apply those lessons.
Someone who is healthy and confronted with a problem will validate fully, seek a healthy compromise that meets both of your needs and ultimately change their behaviour to what is agreed upon.
Quite different from what you experienced.
Someone who has never had a long term relationship is extremely unlikely to have healed from their past.
You’re a very trusting person, but I think that you can learn from this relationship and learn to protect yourself by paying attention to what people say and how they act. It’s not your fault that you weren’t able to protect yourself from his behaviour. You have a history of abuse and this relationship was a step towards a healthy one in comparison.
It makes me feel angry for you that you were treat in these ways. And I know that you don’t feel it yet, but good riddance!
I’d like to give him a piece of my mind for you. He needs to grow up and stop dismissing women. Stop pretending he’s perfect because he’s not. Everyone has problems, but you know what actually makes things better instead of ignoring problems. Actively working on fixing them! He’s tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas describes his efforts in a relationship.
It’s great that he supported you in your life, when it was about difficulties outside of him. But the second conversation turned to difficulties in the relationship he ceased to be supportive.
Love and best wishes! ❤️ 🙏October 20, 2023 at 6:33 pm #423606HelcatParticipant
Honestly, it might not hurt to go to a Halloween party. I’m glad that they invited you. It’s okay that they’re in a different place in their lives to you. You won’t be in this place forever. You’re hungry for change and you deserve it! Blow off some steam, distract yourself, try and have fun. If you’re not enjoying it leave.
You deserve love, comfort and stability in your life. It takes time, effort and luck. I have faith that you will get there. You’ve been through so much in your life already. You can get through this and make it to the other side.October 25, 2023 at 12:32 am #423716
I hope you have been well since we last talked. This morning when my mom was taking me to work, we got into road construction and she became very frazzled very quickly and my stomach just immediately went in knots and I had to help her understand where to go even though I was figuring it out on the spot too. It’s this same feeling I’ve always had with my mom, she stresses so much and I have to take over and make things less stressful for her in that moment. I can’t relax, I miss having my ex being able to handle stressful moments like this and knowing I could sit there and RELAX while he handled it calmly.
“… and then, because of the breakup, your objective circumstances deteriorated (you had to move back home with your family, couldn’t get enough sleep, lost the better paying job, etc.), then the breakup would have been a huge loss objectively.” — That’s true. That’s why I actually only ever wanted to just move closer to him and have my own place. At least for the next several years. I was afraid of moving in with him, I’ve seen too many times how that mistake can crumble a person. But yes, even if I got my own place anywhere else, there is always the possibility of having to come back home.
“There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions“- what actions?” — When we first discussed possibly lifestyle incompatibility over his weed usage, he said he was willing to do whatever he could to accommodate me and make it work. He then always kept it away from me, and never once made me feel pressured to smoke weed with him, or resentful that I wasn’t. I even told him I felt bad if he felt that he had to hide parts of himself from me. He said it was fine after checking in with him a few times. The only issue (that I’m aware of) came up with the wedding in July, and I was understanding to that because it was someone else’s celebration. The other time was when he brought up the worry over him not being completely healed from being cheated on from his ex before me, he showed a lot of concern for how that could possibly affect us and gave me consistent care and affection for months after that. I guess you could argue that was still around the first 3 month period where most people are putting on their best face.
“All through the relationship, he lived with his parents because he couldn’t afford a place of his own (“we are both stuck living back home with family in bad financial positions“), and he spent a lot of time- not looking for a better-paying job- but on gaming and liking photos online.. again, not promising.” — I always found it hard to understand why he hadn’t moved out by now, even to just a tiny apartment outside of the small, utopian retirement town he lived in because he made decent money compared to his expenses and had his weekend side hustle with house/dogsitting. He claimed he didn’t make good money and couldn’t afford anything but he made $17.50/hr. which is good in our area, especially without a degree. I never questioned him because I felt it was extremely hypocritical of me considering I was in the same boat, and we weren’t engaged or anything so I felt that his finances were none of my business. Near the end of our relationship, he revealed he wasn’t even working completely full time at his main job anymore and was actually making more money housesitting on the weekends. I found that odd and wondered why he had chosen less hours. I say all that to say that perhaps he really was not in a place to actually want to move any time soon, even if he felt like he wanted to in theory. On the night of our breakup when he was trying to argue that I didn’t want to leave my family, town, or job (completely untrue), I was trying to tell him I could work towards moving to his town and that I was always looking at places to rent. He snapped back quickly and said, “THAT YOU CAN’T AFFORD!”
“To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off”- meant by whom? — Sorry, I’m not sure what you meant here but I was just saying that I worry I possibly had a hand in ruining a quality relationship that was meant to be for us. And yes, I definitely can’t imagine being someone not filled with shame or guilt or crippling insecurities that I project onto others. I don’t even want to ever date again solely because of my social media jealousy hang ups…October 25, 2023 at 12:33 am #423717
Helcat – I will respond to you soon! My night got away from me and I have to force myself to sleep. I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your responses!October 25, 2023 at 10:11 am #423729
I am fine, thank you, Stacy. Good to read back from you!
“I always found it hard to understand why he hadn’t moved out by now, even to just a tiny apartment outside of the small, utopian retirement town he lived in because he made decent money compared to his expenses… Near the end of our relationship, he revealed he wasn’t even working completely full time at his main job anymore and was actually making more money housesitting on the weekends. I found that odd and wondered why he had chosen less hours. I say all that to say that perhaps he really was not in a place to actually want to move any time soon, even if he felt like he wanted to in theory“-
– in practice, we most often choose the easier option. For him, it was easier to live with his parents than it was to move out. It is easy to talk about what we’d do in theory; it is difficult to do. I figure that he hasn’t moved out of his parents’ home because it has been easier to stay, and that he chose less hours because.. it was easier.
“I definitely can’t imagine being someone not filled with shame or guilt or crippling insecurities“- do not underestimate the power of the imagination: give it a try.. Please do IMAGINE being someone filled with a sense of having some power over your life, of making your own choices as a resourceful, capable person!
anitaOctober 25, 2023 at 8:40 pm #423744
Yes, it’s hard to see that he may be settling with his life considering how much we talked about wanting to have our own spaces. We even joked about getting excited over buying our own dish cloths someday. I’ve been crying so much again over him lately that I think I am going to just have to accept that the pain is here to stay until further notice. That’s all I can do, just let myself hurt without making myself feel bad about it, no matter what anyone else has to say about my process. I just hope something eventually clicks for me and the pain will lessen someday. Letting myself just imagine not crying over him and hurting so much constantly would be a win for me. And like you said, proving to myself that my life has value to keep going.
I got a car update today. The repair bill stands at $700 so far, which will take just about all of my upcoming paycheck. Also, a few months ago I noticed a small pea-sized like “ball” in the right side of my neck. I tried to tell myself it was just a swollen lymph node. Well, now it’s at least twice that size as I just noticed it again today at work. I’m getting really concerned it could be something serious so I called an ENT and have an appointment scheduled for December – the earliest they could see me. My consultation alone is going to be $220. It’s impossible to save money like this, but I hope they don’t find anything serious. I don’t know why I’m sharing this here, I just am really worried about it on top of this other stuff.October 25, 2023 at 9:24 pm #423745
“I think you have a lot of people in your life who fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. This has created a lot of shame for you in sharing your emotional needs.” — Yes, so much so that I am convinced that a consistent connection isn’t real, as everyone has their limits and you can’t put so much onto one person. I know that me making my ex my lifeline probably made him lose some attraction to me. That’s understandable and I have to work on that even more than I already worried about. I hope to someday run across a friend or significant other who can handle me more consistently, but I also hope to be able to be more self-regulated for them as well.
“It is honestly disgusting that your partner told you that he was no longer attracted to you and continued to sleep with you.” — I mean, he didn’t blatantly tell me he was no longer attracted to me, I should have said that, but he admitted to wandering eyes and falling for thirst traps. He said he missed how things used to be with us, when things were “fun,” how he knew he SHOULD be happy but that he just wasn’t, not to mention the few times towards the end where he said the honeymoon stage for us was over. These were all indicators to me that he lost attraction and interest in me, or else he would have had at least SOME desire to fight for us, I’d think. So yes, even though he didn’t come right out and say that, I know it’s what he meant. I don’t see how someone can be so intimate with you whilst simultaneously being bored. I’m already incredibly insecure about my body and he reassured me so much about how attracted he was to me all of the time. I don’t believe any of it anymore.
Also, you make a good point about his lack of care and interest in wanting to call me too. He always dropped what he was doing and made time for me when I needed to vent. But it irked me that he never felt the need for the same connection from me. I chalked it up to him just having different temperance, ADHD, and attachment needs.
“I think that it’s a good thing that you were persistent in confronting him about issues that you were concerned about. It made things very clear that you were not going to accept the behaviour.” — Thank you. I do wish I had been more open-minded about his sexual preferences and fantasies, but they made me feel insecure as they were the polar opposite of me and he was seeming to be less passionate about me towards the end. And to be honest, I think I was and am a lot more sheltered than I thought I was. The Tik Tok coworker he’s been spending a lot of time with is into covered face latex suits and Shibari… makes me wonder if this kind of appetite interests him too as he seemed to take to them very quickly. To each their own, no judgment but that kind of stuff is way too involved and heavy for me. I know I shouldn’t have to change myself for someone, but I do wish I had been less serious about things when we’d discuss them. Sex is just not a priority for me. I’m constantly stuck in survival mode – my main objective and concern in a relationship is if this person is making me feel safe, seen, loved, and entertaining me/adding joy to my life. Sex is trivial to me, that kind of connection comes after the other stuff is very established. I understand sex is priority for some people and that’s okay too, and maybe I should care more about what it means for me as well, I’m not sure. But if he just dumped me over his sexual appetite not aligning with me, it does feel a bit shallow and disappointing.
“Because of the abuse and difficulties in life you cannot imagine better. But it exists and you deserve it. You deserve to be treat with the same kindness that you show other people.” — Thank you. I have trouble believing I deserve better when I’m told I’m being unreasonable and unfair. He seemed willing to compromise until things got very real. I feel bad about making him feel bad about his life choices but I don’t think he’s over there feeling bad about how he made me feel either. He doesn’t even know how I feel – I’ve not spoken to him in over a month and even then, we didn’t discuss our breakup except for the two days right after it when I apologized to him.
“I think you understand what happened in the relationship. But you also experienced gaslighting.” — It’s funny because he often joked about gaslighting me. He’d constantly do these little “bits” to be ironic and make fun of misogynistic men and “mansplaining.” It’s hard to imagine what I mean but it just felt like with so much awareness to all of this and how toxic it all was, that he was immune to ever actually being this way towards me. Kind of like how when a man is comfortable with his masculinity, he can joke about the subject. Exactly like what you were saying with the “pretending to be healthy” thing.October 26, 2023 at 9:10 am #423756
“Considering how much we talked about wanting to have our own spaces. We even joked about getting excited over buying our own dish cloths someday”- you talked and joked but didn’t do anything, ex., you didn’t buy dish cloths.
“I’ve been crying so much again over him lately”- crying over a lot of talking that felt good. I am mentioning the difference between talk and action in the hope that it will hurt you less if you see that what you lost was.. talk and how good that talk felt. But practically, your life post breakup is the same as it was pre-breakup.
“I think I am going to just have to accept that the pain is here to stay until further notice. That’s all I can do, just let myself hurt without making myself feel bad about it, no matter what anyone else has to say about my process“- excellent resolution! Accepting hurt (and other feelings) instead of feeling badly about.. feeling them, lessens the hurt. You should not have others’ judgment about your hurt be added to your pain.
Above and in earlier posts, I repeated the Talk vs Action Factor, hoping that it will lessen your hurt, but I didn’t yet succeed, and that’s okay. Instead of repeating this factor again, I let it go, and I accept that you feel the hurt you feel for your reasons, and that you are entitled to hurt about the breakup for as long as you do and at the intensity that you do.
“I just hope something eventually clicks for me and the pain will lessen someday“- I copied, pasted and read this part after writing the above (this is how I answer posts, copying, pasting, reading & replying before I copy, paste, etc., the next part). So, when you wrote in this part that you hope “something eventually clicks“, I thought about me repeating the factor above, which did not click, and that’s okay.
“Letting myself just imagine not crying over him and hurting so much constantly would be a win for me. And like you said, proving to myself that my life has value to keep going“- I hope that this happens for you… but (in accordance with the Acceptance Factor (accepting feelings as they are), I will not pressure you in any way to feel any differently than you do and for as long as you do.
“I got a car update today. The repair bill stands at $700 so far… Also, a few months ago I noticed a small pea-sized like ‘ball’ in the right side of my neck… now it’s at least twice that size as I just noticed it again today at work…. and have an appointment scheduled for December – the earliest they could see me. My consultation alone is going to be $220. It’s impossible to save money like this“-
– the cost of health care in the US, for way too many people, including myself, is horrendous, and there is shortage of medical staff, the reason for late scheduling. I hope that you keep your stress level as low as possible and that you are physically okay.
anitaOctober 30, 2023 at 10:50 pm #423849
Yes, it’s true that we never actually did anything about our future instead of talking about how things could be. I thought our pacing was always appropriate and I was so sure about how serious he was about me that I didn’t push future plan talk, and really didn’t want to anyway yet because I wasn’t ready to do anything too soon either. I was hoping to get on my own feet before including him in anything financial or contractual. Perhaps I should have pressed him harder when he’d joke about our future together so we could have had a chance to have those conversations and I could have had the truth sooner. It would be nice to know if he ever saw a future with me or not as he claimed he didn’t after the breakup. The closure I want will not ever happen, I know.
Also, thank you for your patience and understanding while I work through all of this. I can see from an objective point of view that the Talk vs. Action Factor makes sense, but my emotions haven’t caught up to that yet. I appreciate you validating that I am needing a lot of time to process my feelings, no matter what anyone thinks. I still just stare off into space daily trying to understand and accept that this person didn’t care about me as much as they seemed to. And even if they did care, my absence gives them more peace than any desire for reconciliation. He’s entitled to that and to change his mind, but I sure wish he had been more connected to himself to let me know sooner.
I hope that you keep your stress level as low as possible and that you are physically okay. — Thank you, I am trying. There’s nothing I can do about the lump in my neck aside from just wait and try not to worry about what I can’t control in the meantime with that situation.October 31, 2023 at 7:14 am #423857
“I was so sure about how serious he was about me…. It would be nice to know if he ever saw a future with me or not… I still just stare off into space daily trying to understand and accept that this person didn’t care about me as much as they seemed to“-
– this is what was true to me (you can tell me if it is true to you too, in principle or otherwise): I entered adulthood as a very needy child in a young woman’s body (thin, not womanly). I needed so much. No young man could have possibly given me what I needed even if he was very serious abut me and saw a future with me and cared a lot… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem, a sense of any amount of confidence in my ability to function independently and effectively in the world.. There was too much SHAME in me.. and GUILT. Too much unfinished business from a bad childhood.
From that disadvantaged position with which I entered adulthood, I looked up to people as the capable adults that I was not. I figured everyone knew better what was going on and what I should do to get along and make life work for me.. They had the answers, so I thought. Since I felt powerless, having no power in my ability to direct my own adult life, I looked for others’ power to help me. (I definitely needed help).
What I needed was a second childhood, a redo, so to re-enter adulthood with the minimal+ self esteem and confidence that is needed by any person entering adulthood. I wasted decades of my “adult” life wondering the world, (unknowingly) seeking the second childhood that never came through for me.
I am now an adult. FINALLY! And as an adult, I no longer look up to people: I no longer view people as superior to me, as powerful while I am powerless. I now have some confidence in my ability to choose correctly and figure out best plans of action in life situations. Sure, I wish I was an adult much earlier in life.. but it’s nice to have it happen sometime before I die.. to finally feel like a capable adult, to finally become a capable adult.
anitaNovember 8, 2023 at 9:17 am #424864
How are you.. Any developments in regard to the swelling on the right side of your neck? Is your vehicle functioning.. etc.?
anitaNovember 12, 2023 at 11:58 pm #424970
I’ll first address your latest message and I appreciate you for following up with me after I went MIA. I have been working 6-7 days a week lately to try to make up for the almost $800 car repair bill I just had to pay. So to address your question, yes I did get my car back a few days ago and it is driving okay so far. I don’t want to speak too soon. Also, my appointment with the ENT that I scheduled about the lump in my neck is for December 7th so I’m still in the dark there. I’ll keep you posted. My eating problem has been really flaring up badly lately and tonight it was terrible. I still feel physically sick from how anxious it made me. I feel this every day and it’s really hard to be hopeful that one day I will conquer any pent up trauma stored in my body if I just keep re-doing this daily. Kind of like what we talked about a month or two ago… how the body can only handle so many cortisol spikes. I know I say it every post update but my pain and grief about this has only been increasing with time because I see he actually just said a lot of things to make me feel better and didn’t mean them as a way to make things easier for himself. I know a lot of people will do this without realizing it to manipulate others and whatever those motivations are tells you about what kind of person they are. I know my crying throughout the day isn’t helping my throat and swallowing issue.
I follow a lot of avoidant attachment content trying to understand things from a more objective level to stop taking it so personally. I’ve stayed no contact since he ghosted me. However, I saw a video stating that avoidantly attached people rarely even care or notice you’ve gone not contact with them. I don’t know how to unfollow or block him. I think I keep waiting for it to click with me and feel right. I hate him thinking I hate him but he also is okay with just never talking to me again after stating he wanted to, apparently.
“I entered adulthood as a very needy child in a young woman’s body (thin, not womanly). I needed so much. No young man could have possibly given me what I needed even if he was very serious abut me and saw a future with me and cared a lot… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem, a sense of any amount of confidence in my ability to function independently and effectively in the world.. There was too much SHAME in me.. and GUILT. Too much unfinished business from a bad childhood.” — This is exactly true for me as well. I read somewhere the other day that when an anxiously attached person puts someone on a pedestal, they literally make them “perfect” and so they create unrealistic and harsh expectations on that person. So when this person disappoints us, we are overly critical over them and it pushes them away. I already kind of knew this but just being reminded… it makes me sick to my stomach. In my toxic relationship of 4 years that ended in 2019, I spent that entire relationship holding in my feelings until it completely destroyed me and I had to leave. I’ve done that my whole life and after therapy, I was determined to finally speak EVERY SINGLE feeling and concern after sitting with the emotions and trying not to be reactive. I feel with my current ex that I then did this too often and as much as he is at fault for not being honest with himself and me, I am at fault for being too critical of him. I can understand why he felt immense pressure to meet my concerns and needs over time. He told me it stopped being “fun.” The real Stacy showed up with REAL needs like you said. All this breakup has shown me was that speaking my needs gets me dumped. I understand that relationships are sometimes only meant to be for a season and that speaking boundaries filters out those not meant for us but at what point are our boundaries literally too much? I feel I am too much and agree with what you said about no man/person being able to help me. I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices.November 13, 2023 at 10:19 am #424979
Good to read back from you! Lately, you’ve been driving your car, working 6-7 days a week so to pay for the $800 car repair bill (and the expected medical appointment bill next month). Your eating problem has been flaring up badly, making you anxious. You are still in no-contact with the guy but you follow his social media activity and read about his attachment style. The breakup is still painful and getting even more painful, and your stress level is high.
In regard to “(I) agree with what you said about no man/person being able to help me“- what I said was that no man “could have possibly given me what I needed… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem”, etc. People could have helped me, but they couldn’t have given me what I needed.
“I was determined to finally speak EVERY SINGLE feeling and concern … All this breakup has shown me was that speaking my needs gets me dumped… I am too much“- you need more than any man can give you, but you believe that he was able, if he chose to, to give you what you need, and that he is still able to. This is why you told him your every feeling and concern, similar to telling a doctor one’s every medical symptom because one believes that the doctor is able to treat the symptoms successfully.
And this is why, post breakup, you still follow him on social media, and why you’ve been reading about his attachment style, trying to understand him better, so to .. somehow bring him back to your life and give you what you need.
“It’s really hard to be hopeful that one day I will conquer any pent up trauma stored in my body if I just keep re-doing this daily. Kind of like what we talked about a month or two ago.. how the body can only handle so many cortisol spikes….my pain and grief about this has only been increasing with time.. ” I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices… I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices”-
– It’s not that I feel safe, it’s that I feel more courage than I ever did before. I want to paste here a poem about fear and courage that I found online recently:
“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.
It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we can’t achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.
We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.
We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, we’ve got enough.
We must break free from fear’s grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.
We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, we’ll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.
So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.
So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here”.
Stacy, (using the words in the poem): may you discover the bold power in your heart; may you stand tall with courage so rare and light up the place; may you grow stronger, take a step forward, then two, and rise above, with determination. You have enough.
Show the world that you are here.