Dear Seaturtle:

“(N) has described feeling alone in his childhood. He said he was often left home alone and played by himself. He has said that his mom didn’t really listen to him and didn’t SEE him… He said when his mom was mad at him it automatically made her mad at his dad to, as if all his ‘faults’ were because of his dad’s influence“- his mom’s anger was directed at his dad, not at her son. It is not an ideal situation, of course.. but him being out of the line of fire, may have been a positive aspect of his childhood compared to the alternative.

“I agree, it was not out of love. He would frame it as love, and make me feel so guilty as if I was not loving him enough. My mom, on the other hand was very selfless when it came to splitting time with my parents…”- (1) making one’s daughter feel so guilty = NOT loving one’s daughter. (2) your mother’s selfless behavior was a positive aspect in your childhood, compared to the alternative of having two selfish, self-centered parents.

“I have always felt I lacked self discipline, I struggle to stick with things like jobs (for over a year) and when I try to get on a healthy workout routine, I lose motivation at about 4 weeks. I just start to feel like what’s the point, I only have one life why am I living it with rules for myself..“- feeling restrained by rules, as in being unfree, caged in, jailed…?

“How my dad made me feel at the ‘house cleaning’ meetings. He would list all these things I did that showed that I was ungrateful for… manipulate me into feeling so bad… I truly attempted to be hyper aware and thought of how every little thing I did could possibly be interpreted by him. I once told him I felt I was walking on egg shells… I thought everything was just my fault“-

– feeling that everything was your fault and feeling scared of the next house-cleaning meeting, trying to prevent the next and the next by walking on egg shells, keeping yourself hyper aware of every little thing: this emotional state in itself is a form of imprisonment.. something anyone would want to be FREE from.

“Is it because I had toxic parents at home that when I got to school I had no energy for any more toxic people? As if I went to school already exhausted and drained I couldn’t take on any more?“-

– I am guessing that in school, you didn’t feel the fear/ guilt/ confusion that you felt in your father’s house (and which blocked you from confronting him), so you didn’t have these things in your way, blocking you from confronting toxic people at school.

“How do I allow myself to be in a care free child state, and a strong self-reliant adult, at the same time? For example, if one day hatchling is craving a care free childlike day of arts/crafts but adult Seaturtle needs to be self-reliant and go to her job where hatchling has to sit still“-

– Think of this: two mothers take their children to their workplace. One child is used to be carefree and childlike at home. At the workplace, she plays, but not too loudly and she doesn’t run around breaking things. Much of the time she can sit still as she plays. And so, the mother and the child can co-exist at work.

The second child is not used to be care-free and childlike at home, she often feels restrained and having to act like an adult, careful and cautious, walking on egg shells, so she craves to be carefree and childlike. Once given the chance (outside the home), she overdoes it: she keeps yelling, running and bumping into things and she can’t sit still. The two, mother and child have to go home, or to the park because they cannot co-exist at work.

“This is intense. Towards the end of living with my dad and after, I thought his misplaced trust or expectations of me were those that he expected and never received from my mother… My mom broke his trust in many ways, and it was as if he treated my teenage years of sneaking out to parties I wasn’t allowed to go to, as if I had cheated on him in marriage.. He also treated me like I was a (very bluntly put) like I was a slut like my mom… Before leaving to school from ages 13-18 my outfits would get checked… he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans without a shirt that covered my butt… he would promote outfits that made me look like a box… sexualizing me and telling me how boys would think”, “what do you think about this?“-

– I think covert incest. I think of a child placed in a box that’s labeled “adult”. I think of a daughter placed in a box labeled “wife”. I think it gets claustrophobic in that box. I’d think you can’t sit still in that box.

“I went to the kitchen, got a knife from the drawer and went back to my room and held it to my bare chest, I remember wanting to end it right there, but after just leaving a very small red dot, I put it under my bed“- this is what a girl does when placed and kept in a box for too long.

“I was able to calm my anxiety, when he showed up it re-appeared inside me but I didn’t say anything in the anxiety and after about 15 min we were sitting down and I felt at peace and we enjoyed the evening together. When I wrote the post the next morning, the feelings rose up again, and it made me wonder if the night before I ‘over-tamed’ hatchling? What do you think?”- I think that it will take a significant degree of freeing the caged girl from the box before you can figure appropriate self discipline vs over-self-discipline. The caged girl (over-tamed hatchling)- needs out of the box.

“I feel like I have been dealing with two separate battles when it comes to deciding if this is the right relationship for me. Part one of the battle, is what we majorly speak about… Also sexually, we are compatible in many ways, enough to be satisfied with. However I find a lot of other things in life erotic, foreplay… he skips foreplay often unless I sort of make it all happen… I like myself better when I embody my feminine energy….  N brings out my tom-boy behaviors..  I miss my femininity. I sort of feel like I want a man that brings the parts of me I love, out to the surface“-

– out from the dark box to the surface where there’s light; out of the non-feminine, non-sexual/ tom boy box your father (not N) placed you in?

“I also feel like eroticism is what I want to be involved too. By eroticism, I mean a compatibility in what turns us on and makes us feel connected, I have this desire for someone to connect with me so deeply, I know it exists on this earth and I want it. Sometimes I wonder if I break up with N…  the universe will reward me with something magnetically just magical.. I truly hope my hopes are not DANGEROUSLY too high of expectations“-

– I think your that your expectations are indeed too high because.. a girl caged in a non-sexual box IMAGINES that sex must be .. eternally magnetic and magical. It is similar to a starving person imagining eating a steak, imagining it to always- every time and for the rest of his life- be a magical, heavenly experience. But after the first few times.. it isn’t. Sometimes it is, but at other times it’s overcooked or undercooked or it’s too chewy or you’re just not very hungry, etc.

N may not be the guy for you, there might be someone more compatible, but unrealistic expectations need to be considered.

“Do you think that I can re-associate and release my feelings about my childhood experiences with my father through art?… a blank canvas could be helpful for me…  I have considered starting an art therapy class, I am not sure how to go about it or what qualification’s I would need, but it seems like I may be looping back to that idea“- reads promising to me. Art is definitely a way to re-associate with and process dissociated feelings.

“I appreciate this option to journal here“- journal away..!

“(F) would also always tell me I basically wasn’t special… He literally told me I didn’t have original thoughts. Like I would say something I thought was a good idea or think I started a trend or that people liked what I wore or something like that and he would laugh and just make fun of me for thinking I came up with it”- he wanted you in the box: no curves and no original ideas (or humor) allowed.. In the box without anything that makes you.. you.

“I do believe I am unique. I think I project F into N in this scenario though, because I don’t feel like he thinks I am special.. I battle this. I often wonder if N would pick me from a room of women… I don’t know how much of this is projecting F into N“-

– I agree that you are unique but your craving to be unique is too strong.. like the starving person craving a steak, the craving leads to (1) frustrations that are too intense in regard to what’s lacking in the present, (2) unrealistic expectations of a magical future.

It is your right of course, to break up with N. I’m just saying that.. well, I said it right above.

anita