Dear Anita,

I just wanted to respond more fully to your last reply.

You quoted me here:

I roughly said, it is more than a word it has a misogynistic historical reference and it held weight. He rolled his eyes. He lectured me about how he doesn’t let anything outside of him have control over him and how I should do the same and not let a simple word ruin our evening. He said ‘you get upset about things that don’t matter and I am tired of it.’”-

There is a little more to this. After I told him the “c” word was offensive he said “ok well you have called someone a d*ck before why is that ok?” (apologies for the crude language here it is making me feel like I should clean up my words cause I do sometimes say that when a man is being childish and straight up rude) I said it was different and he just sarcastically laughed.

And one more detail to him saying, ‘I get upset at small things that don’t matter and ruin our time together’. Saturday night at dinner as we were talking about self growth and I was telling him the journey that I am on, I said “I have been thinking alot about you saying I worry about small things that don’t matter” and he said “oh good” then I said “and how I don’t think that is true” then he laughed (true, not sarcastic) because he had jumped to the conclusion with “oh good” that I agreed with him when infact it was the opposite. Anyways just thought this detail would help you see that this has been something he has thought for a long time and made comments like this before.

“he referred to your feelings as such that “don’t matter“.”

N thinks that he is superior to me in that he doesn’t let his feelings bother him as much as I do. He thinks I have growing to do in that way. For example, feeling uncomfortable. When I am uncomfortable I am quicker to leave, whereas he just withstands pain, sometimes he is right and accepting what is is all you can do, other times I feel like he sits in pain longer than he needs to. For example our work schedules. I am on the end of calling out of work too much, drivin by hatch, I want to be comfortable and go with my artistic impulses or give myself rest if I feel the slightest tired. N is on the opposite N, never called out a day in his life, says he will get the week of thanksgiving off but can’t say no to customers when they ask him to do “one more thing.” Often when he is late it is because he got stuck in a lengthy conversation with a customer or they asked him to do “one more thing.” This upsets me because I prioritize my time with N over such things and would simply start leaving and tell them no, or that I need to go. N does not take care of his needs unless I force him to and literally get upset with him for working so he stops, then enjoys it. His ability to do this on his own is not developed. What I think, is that my hatch has been running the show this year so far, she has been displaying her discomfort, throwing tantrums and I am not attending to her and taking the reigns back. N has his hatch in a cage. We have talked about this concept before, I can only approach him about deep things like this at strategic times, sometimes he doesn’t believe it and other times he is receptive and admits to ignoring it. Is this a male thing? cause I do wish he was more able to talk about this stuff. Anyways he said in football he went through extremely uncomfortable things and had to shut any other voices in his head up in order to focus. He prides himself on this, but I think he just threw hatch in there. Him being out of touch with his hatch, is affecting our relationship. Clearly me not paying rent bothered him, but he spoke to me like his customers “yes of course” as he rejects his own needs. I cannot predict what his hatch needs and I will only anger it if he doesn’t speak up. He doesn’t tell me how he feels unless I do my best to pull it out, which I think I could do this with just about anybody, maybe he needs me? He swings back and forth out of different realities. When we are away from the city and on vacation alone in the woods, he is receptive to feelings, he is everything, we connect and he is attentive. Then we come back to reality and he has absolutely left that space while I am still there. He has told me I live in a fantasy world because my life “plan” is much more abstract than his. I believe the world will support me and I will support it, I just believe if I continue on my artistic expression, I will find my contribution to the earth, lately I have been considering yoga teacher training, I could put my art up in there even, just combine my passions of art and mental health. I just believe if I keep my eyes open opportunities will flow. But then he just says I am in a la la land not saving up to buy a house and working more hours to do so, just like him commenting on me and my roommate lifestyle, he asks “how do you guys just live paycheck to paycheck in an apartment you don’t own, how does that make sense, that’s what you want?” He doesn’t quite understand what I am doing with my life and how I am evolving and I can’t tell if that is a deal-breaker, do I need his approval? no.

– He had no valid reason to be suspicious of you. His invalid suspicion of you is a controlling strategy meant to make you feel guilty and therefore in need for his correction, of his moral superiority to fix your .. moral faultiness. And he succeeded because in the paragraph right above, you wrote: “He looked at me in absolute distrust, which I guess I deserve“. 

When I typed “which I guess I deserve,” I remember thinking hard on that part and wanted to omit it because I can see how it is not true, but it was honestly how I felt in that moment. I am not the best with money, I have spent the last of my paycheck on a christmas decoration before, I have been getting better for sure, I haven’t spent nearly the money I did in college, but my habits still are not the best. He has straight up told me before he doesn’t trust me with money. And I just took it cause I don’t trust myself with money either but I always make it work, I trust myself to figure it out. I feel guilty for how much N has spent in comparison to me in this relationship, but it would not be that way also if this wasn’t the least amount my paycheck has ever been, I am actually looking for a new job as we speak.

“– When a person wants to control you, he/ she is not interested in promoting your spirit or soul. When a man repeats the C word, he does not see a woman’s spirit or soul.”

He goes back and forth between these two things. Sometimes he sees my value with me and understands how I see things and the work I am putting in. Other times he forgets and I feel I need to defend myself and explain. However is this projecting F into N because my dad often made me feel like I was lazy and didn’t trust I would be able to fully provide for myself. My dad would literally tell me I better make a lot of money or I wouldn’t be happy.

you wrote:

You ended your original post with: “Idk maybe we are perfect for each other and I am self sabotaging, or maybe its the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“- I now agree with the latter part of this sentence. N is promoting your lower self: your self-doubt, confusion and invalid, unjustified guilt.

This voice goes back and forth alongside his back and forth of believing in me. When I feel his belief we are great and I feel my best self, other times he makes me feeling my lower self. My dad (and maybe mom too) made me feel my lower self quite often growing up. My dad making fun of my style saying I copied it and was unoriginal, and my mom doing so many things for me that I didn’t get to become my higher self by accomplishing some things and earning my self esteem.

You brought up something from my post on oct 13th:

“My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic”

I now see this in N. One of my questions of if I am projecting or if he is genuinely similar to my dad. I feel misunderstood, but once I explain myself he will then understand me, until he doesn’t anymore and I have to explain again. My need to defend and explain myself is strong but could just be a survival mode I was in for so long?

“(2) One can easily tell that N freeing himself from ANY responsibility for the words he repeatedly chooses to utter is.. part of a dishonest manipulation. And then asking you what’s wrong?.. taking no responsibility for any wrongdoing or wrong saying when he was clearly in the wrong.”

N does this very often in arguments. It drives me crazy why he asks me what’s wrong, it genuinely makes me angry and makes me (hatch) want to hit him, but it is not cause I want to inflict pain it is because I get a huge amount of energy and just need to get it out, our arguments do not get physical other than me slapping his shoulder (doesn’t cause harm) as I write this I hope it is not abusive, I have not felt like it was before, but it isn’t out of anger is frustration that he is not understanding me and almost as if he is not even trying. I just want to shake some sense into him like “open your eyes!”

Seaturtle