Oh it makes a lot of sense Anita. It really does.

I’ve found myself agreeing with you, and the more rational side of my mind all the time. The fear overwhelms me somewhat.

I maybe have a lot of pressures…

One, I paid for his flight… maybe i’m feeling like “he’s got me wrapped around my finger”. I feel foolish for doing so, yet it wasn’t some big gesture I made to try and make him closer to me. I wanted to see him, he wanted to come see me, and well, we know he doesn’t have any money. I’m living at home with parents so what difference does it make. He’ll be here 6 weeks, if I visited him while working we’d have only 2 weeks together was my thinking. But gosh I feel so embarrassed to admit that, I haven’t told anyone, but in my mind I am conscious of it and it makes me so nervous. Does it need to make me nervous or anxious? I have no idea. I’d wanted to see him again and the time felt right, otherwise it would have been another few months.

Second… I was thinking today that I’m perhaps nervous about “what if it all goes wrong?” – he gets bored of it here, with me working, the gloomy winter weather… what if he’s just thoroughly bored of it all? Or i’m not able to spend time with him? Or, what if my anxiety takes over, and I start seeing things that aren’t there?! What if he wants to do something alone, and I interpret it as he’s bored of me and can’t wait to get home? What if that intepretation is right? Or wrong?!

I say this… and then try to deploy the technique “What’s the evidence?” – well… none really. He says he’s really excited about it, and just wants to spend all his time here with me, hugging me. A while ago he said “I don’t want to go and see anywhere over there, I just want to spend my time with you”. I work from home a few days a week, and he said “so while you work, I’ll study for my exam i’ll have when I get back” – so even when i’m working we’ll be together.

Another pressure: part of me perhaps worries about a repeat of last time – remember… my ex visited the same time of year (gloomy winter), I was nervous, clingy, insecure (in that case, 100% rightly!) and was desperately trying to revive a relationship that had already gone off bloom. He was already distant and aloof by the time of his visit – it was if anything a desperate attempt to give life to the relationship. This time? Well… I don’t really see any behaviour from his side that indicates he is ambivalent.

Yet… I worry so much! I tell myself all the time, there’s nothing wrong, nothing amiss. As you say, I end up creating something amiss in my head most of the time. He sends a picture of an ice cream he bought. It has two spoons in it. A totally meaningless fact…that to me might mean he’s with someone! I jokingly say “ohh two spoons” – he says he gets two cos one always breaks… Why must I constantly doubt? It’s funny for a while, at the beginning of a relationship, a flirty way of saying “please don’t see anyone else” – but I can sense in him it’s slowly getting old. “When are you gonna stop making jokes like that?” he asks me sometimes.

It’s horrible because… I know my fears don’t make any sense. Up until about 2 weeks ago, fears of all these colours would arrive, and I would show them on their way. Since he’s been visiting his family though, i’ve been wracked with anxiety. Is it perhaps the age-old problem of being jealous of your partner’s family? I was upset a little that he wasn’t talking as much as usual, but then… he hasn’t seen his family for nearly a year! Why would he spend hours chatting to me? Especially when, of his 9 weeks holiday, he’s spending 6 weeks with me! Yet there I am, stamping my feet demanding (in my head, not to him) that I am informed of everything he’s doing – but for what gain or purpose? None!

Gosh I read your capital letters ALERT. I remember now… hyper-vigilance. Somehow, i’ve booted my “hyperactive” anxiety – the panic mode.

This all started two weeks ago- He goes for a drink and forgets to look at his phone for an hour (After i’d not really talked to him for like 5 hours) – I get upset because he then wasn’t ready for our daily call when I was ready (eye roll emoji time!). Then the next day was my work’s christmas party and two women talk about their cheating husbands who walked out on them… just as i’m drunk – so I decide what happened between me and him is of similar calibre and have a long argument with him… for no real gain. Then he’s off to visit his family and we don’t have the normal pattern of communication… whereby usually I settle back into confidence with him.

What am I really worried about? I suppose my OCD tendencies and anxiety have ganged up on me a bit here. Mixed with the attachment issues it’s a wonderful party going on inside my amygdala ! I’m creating all sorts of negative opinions of myself, of him, of the future, and having to prepare myself for all. And then of course feeling a fool for doing so!

Instead of just… loving him?!

A long tirade ahaha. I am having therapy – a few months with a really good one, and slowly many revelations are coming through…