Hi Anita

…”It is going to be difficult for you to read but it is necessary to address thoroughly. Please remember that I still think highly of you and that I know that this Misbehavior which I am addressing today can be corrected, making you an even better person than you already are!” — No worries at any chance of hurting my feelings. I’ve really appreciated you being there for me for all of these months and I think very highly of you as well, and for your honesty. I read this post on my break at work, and then again when I got home and I’ll admit it was really hard to take in but it’s only because it’s what I’ve thought this whole time. It’s why I’ve been saying since it happened with my first posts here why I feel that I sabotaged my part of this relationship, why I feel that I interrogated him, why I feel so much shame for accidentally shaming his sexual kinks/preferences, and why I feel responsible for turning him off of me and the relationship. It’s so embarrassing that I feel like I should reach out again and just thoroughly apologize for projecting so much onto him and for throwing his issues he struggled with in his face. With no other expectation other than to just apologize. But I try to remember I already did that once, even if it was too soon and reaching out anymore would be disrespecting his choice again. I know I’m not ready to be with anyone anyway, in fact – I’m even more self-conscious and feel even more beneath him now so this absolutely couldn’t work again.

I know months back that you focused more on how little my behavior had to do with what his behavior and choices were based on his internal struggles of his own, so that’s the only part where I’m a little confused. I don’t know the extent I am responsible for the breakup. Back in September, you said, …”he spends his time in pornography and sexual fantasies…” …”His way has been mostly to distract himself from this thirst for love via kinky sexual fantasies, porn and thirst traps. He is trying to quench his sexual fantasies, not his quench for love. The way I see it, if you try to quench his sexual fantasies, you would be part of his distraction, that would be all…”  in reference to me being upset at him for admitting to losing attraction. I thought it was in moments like this where I understood that my hurt in him looking at other women and feeling undervalued was warranted. But also with him being entitled to feel lust or express attraction to other women is something I overreacted? At the beginning of our relationship, when I expressed my boundary of social media flirting, he agreed with it. I know I’ll always be very hurt over a guy lusting over other people – but I also think it’s really ignorant to control someone’s natural urges and human reactions. But at what point am I just molding myself for someone else? The hyper-vigilant urge to speak every time something hurtful came up for me by him was totally a response to completely losing my voice in my past toxic relationship. But unfortunately you’re right – why would my current ex want me to continue with him or move closer to him in the future and just continue the energy I gave him like this? It was draining!

“When you have the time and when you are calm, following processing this post, can you define “THE biggest mental block” as it stands now?” — The biggest mental block I have is feeling like I caused all of this because I’m a walking self-fulfilling prophecy, just like he said. That he was right when he told me I looked for reasons to criminalize him and I found them. All of these realizations make me feel like I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. I feel incredibly shameful about messing the relationship up with my past issues and projections/insecurities. So I feel like I have no room for compassion for myself and he’s the good guy because he thought more rationally and removed himself from a controlling and jealous relationship. He deserves someone better who won’t pressure him so much and I deserve to be alone and sit with what I did until I can get do better. The other block I have is knowing I’m not okay with seeing my boyfriend lusting even though I know it’s human nature and I myself would not want to be controlled either. I want monogamy but I also understand that humans are not even wired for this long term so I feel I don’t have the right to be upset that he was getting his kicks to other women while claiming to be exclusive to me. Do you see how I have all of these contradictory battles in my head constantly? I feel like a mediator over my thoughts constantly seeing things two ways and not being able to pick a side, so I can’t live any truth for myself or have my own moral rules to guide me. Kind of like your metaphor of me watching others in the play of my life but I’m not on stage.

Also, thank you for hoping this year will be an improvement for me. If I don’t make some kind of breakthrough, I feel like I will continue to suffer unnecessarily. I am happy to hear that your mental state and peace of mind has improved with doing the hard work.