Dear Caroline:

“Maybe I should be seeing a therapist“- if you can afford one who is a good CBT therapist who will teach you emotion regulation skills (distress tolerance), that will be best for you!

(I m adding the boldface feature to this quote): “In the past I used to watch a lot of movies she wanted to, and I was bored because I didn’t like them. But SHE liked them and she wanted us to watch it.. She just encouraged me, did not force me of course.. But I don’t have my own opinion most of times… I could never say no. That’s why I am angry now when she says she is not interested in something I want to see…I feel resentful now and stupid“- this is a classic description of a codependent relationship where your sense of self/ self identity is minimal, there is like a vacuum in the area where Caroline’s Identity (Caroline’s opinions, likes, wants) is supposed to be , so- in your mind and in practice- she takes over this vacuum: life becomes about her opinions, her likes, her wants. The result is indeed anger and resentment on the part of the one who is codependent.

“She agreed to watch a movie last time because she already knows I would be angry about it. That’s the only way I can get her to do anything with me“- if you don’t express to her that you dislike something and you go along with it, then it’s only when you get angry that she has the opportunity to know that you don’t like something…?

“I could never do something like that. I could never decide “I will pay and you just.. go away with your credit card”. She would not let. If she wanted to pay and I would try to stop her – that would not happen“- you need to learn assertiveness skills. If you act assertively with her (instead of passively/ codependently), you will not be angry with her for being assertive.

In regard to whether you told her in the past that it offends you when she pays for groceries, you answered: “I never told her that“- so when she paid for groceries, she didn’t know and had no way to know that it’d offend you.

“We planned vacation… We finally agreed we were going to see Italy… she said Venice it is… at this point I did not know what I wanted anymore… Am I mentally ill?“- you are in a desperate need to learn emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT).

“Anita.. can you tell what is wrong with me? I feel like I am really trying to be honest, to have a good relationship and I can see she is also trying. She really does. Or those things I said to her what makes me upset etc. she does try to change it. Not perfectly and not every time but I see she does want to. And yet still there’s a problem every time we try to talk about something“- the vacuum I mentioned earlier, it needs to get filled with Caroline, with what Caroline thinks, likes (and dislikes) wants, believes in, etc. Your girlfriend did not create this vacuum. It was created long ago, when you were growing up.

You need to get to know yourself, get to know the positive and wonderful things about yourself and come to a place where you think well of you, a place where you esteem and respect yourself. Does this sound right to you?

anita