Dear Anita,

Before you read this, warning it is a bit of a negative rant, so be sure it doesn’t bring you down, it is just how I have felt the past three days. Also no complications, I am resting and healing 🙂

“Overnight stay at the hospital (3 hours sleep), five incisions, sore and one ovary preserved-  – Less sore and rested this morning, I hope..???”

I would say the soreness levels haven’t changed very much, but thankfully I have been getting good sleep as this healing process is making me very sleepy. Today is my roommates birthday and yesterday she wanted to watch the superbowl, I wanted to be a good friend for her and be present with her despite wanting to go to my bed. Thankfully she was good with the compromise to spend the day on the couch!

My time in the hospital was a little traumatizing, a few things went hectic and lead to me overall feeling very alone and not understood.. I am seeing my pattern of feeling this way especially when I am hurt or sick. Before surgery the nurse had to draw quite a bit of blood and she did so in a place that I have never had blood drawn..she chose a place near my hand where blood came out very slowly so I was there for a long time as she squeezed my arm and it was miserable, then it was’t enough blood so she had to go to another place on the same arm! at this moment I had my first of many panic attacks, just tried to control my breathe but couldn’t stop tears. 24 hrs no food and blood being drawn from someone who didn’t seem to know what she was doing, I felt exposed and alone, the other nurse was kinder and attempted to comfort me (the only comforting nurse I would see my whole visit). They did not tell me they were administering me the anaethesia, I signed papers but had no warning one minute I just got dizzy, then I woke up in the hallway post-surgery, I was jarred awake form the anaethesia by loud noises around me, I was in the hallway for 2 hours as my post-surgery room was not ready. By the time I made it to my room I was awake, feeling the pain and pressing my call button as instructed, for pain medicine, my nurse kept saying she was on her way and it took 1 1/2 hrs for someone to get to me with the pain medication, at that point I was crying of the pain and the nurse just had this very smug face. She was smiling…which I thought was so weird cause I was crying and she told me “you don’t have to cry, stop crying ok?” this made me feel worse, I felt she had no empathy. The rest of my visit was like this, I was alone and this woman came when I called and was not delicate with me, instead of going around my bed to administer the pain she reached over and was pulling on the tube connected to my arm. Finally I left and it was over.

Once I was home it was so nice to rest saturday. Sunday I felt obligated to be out in the living room for my roommates birthday and some friends here, and my rommate made several comments about going out and I kept saying I could absolutely not, then my other friend said “what if you just sat down where we went?” They expected me to get dressed, go out with them and sit down awkwardly? I just wanted my mom yesterday. Not to mention my morning began with my brother in a manic state, texting me that he wanted to text N! starting the day calling my grandma to please take his phone my grandma said she didn’t see the problem with him texting N!!! Insane. Within 24hrs I had a surgery and 3 family members cause me un-needed pain, my dad calling me self absorbed, my brother sympathizing with my emotional abuser, and my grandma being completely emotion-less (typical of her). Then I told my mom about my dad saying I was self absorbed and she thought this was the right timing to bring up a time when she thought I was… Honestly I just felt attacked all morning. She brought up when I went to Hawaii with my mom and sisters, and we took a scenic drive, we had to stop to use the restroom and after I did I noticed a waterfall under this beautiful bridge, and decided to go take a minute to myself. I was gone for 15, maybe 20 minutes. When I came back my sisters were on the bridge and told me how selfish I was for going off on my own. my mom agreed. In the future I would tell them before taking a moment to myself and even this bothered them still but they were more accepting.

Personally, I have always admired people who were able to go take moments to themselves, be independent and present. So to me, I want to be that way, I like that about myself. I used to be such a people pleaser and I don’t want to live my life for other people, I have to live with myself at the end of the day. Also, I am there when it counts. I flew home for graduations, dance performances, I am there for people in ways that others aren’t. I just feel like I am misunderstood, but that worries me that something is wrong with how I am doing things when so many people are saying the same thing. To me, I need to love me to love others, and keep my crown chakra open. I think the people in my family don’t love themselves, they are judgemental and self righteous. I just feel I am going to keep having moments to myself, and just have to deal with them being annoyed I am not to everyones beck and call like I used to be.

Seaturtle who wants to hide in her shell