Dear Robi:

You are welcome, and thank you (it’s raining this morning and not at all sunny here).

“Very often I start crying. I’ve always felt like this when leaving – years ago when I first left my country and every single time since… It’s a funny thing, because I always feel like I’ll miss her before I leave, or for the next 1..2 days after, but after a few days I feel disconnected from her somehow. I almost get into a different mode… sometimes bothered by her messages. Maybe it’s a topic for another day, there is so much going on right now”-

– the topic is very much connected to all that’s going on for you at this time: it is your ambivalent or  disorganized attachment style, which means that when you are with your parents, or with your girlfriend, or in a country (currently Poland), you fit the avoidant attachment style: you often don’t feel attached/ connected (to the people in your life/ the country), and even want to get away, but when you are about to get away, you fit the anxious attachment style and you feel anxious about leaving. It’s the mix of needing a connection and being afraid of it,  and therefore protecting yourself from what you fear. It’s a confusing mix of emotions and emotional motivations.. until you understand the mix.

“The last days in Poland are so strange.. I feel hopeful, ready and I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Next thing you know I start crying thinking I cannot do all this – like this is too much for me to handle“- what I boldfaced is what happens when you get into the anxious attachment style mode.

“Also, btw – the school manager asked me if I could already start on Monday, the day of our interview“- excellent!

“Well, f*** it. It’s sunny today. I guess I’m taking the kettlebell outside and do a workout“- going outside, under the sun, and exercising are two practices of emotion regulation, which is the thing to do when your anxiety goes up.

Another practice could be posting here, so keep posting when you can, if it helps.

anita