Dear Seaturtle:

“I wonder if I can speed up this awareness. ‘Retroactive awareness’“- you can speed it up by slowing down.  We see (3rd eye) when calm, not when under the influence of stress.

“wow, this (“he wasn’t able to give you more, and you weren’t able to stop wanting more”) should be the quote of our relationship”- I share your wow sentiment! You are welcome to use this quote in your book Unseen.

“Why wasn’t he able to? I guess it is just his limitations due to how he grew up“- yes. If you had his identical growing-up experience, you too would start adulthood not being able to talk about emotions.

You asked Why. You and I are similar: for us, there is more stress in not asking why?. For him, there is more stress in asking. Just as for you, there is more stress in not expressing your emotions, for him, there is more stress in expressing and elaborating on his feelings (if for no other reason, then because he is not in the habit of expressing and elaborating).

“In our society the emotionless side of the spectrum, is more acceptable and even desired. Desired by people like F and N, they are proud of the Teflon“- if only I was able to Teflon my mother growing up… my childhood experience would have been way less miserable.

“Why did N awaken this (the desire to be seen) in me?“- because you hoped that he will see you, you had those dreams/ images that he’s the one to see you, the first man in your life to see you.. and he didn’t.

“One major point is this, recognizing my need to be seen by a significant other, before N I didn’t realize I wanted that, or what it even meant to me“- I read this sentence after I wrote the above.

“I woke up and went on a couple mile walk this morning, recognizing new beauty around me. I woke up feeling angry unfortunately, it went from peaceful wake up, to suddenly realizing I needed to mourn my lost snow gear…  shoes that fit just right and a snowboard I actually liked the look of, even my goggles and jacket, they all took me a few years to collect“- it angers me that he denied that your stuff is in his place, refusing to return it to you.

I’ll continue to reply in the morning, good night, Seaturtle!

anita