Hello Anita,

I haven’t formed complete responses yet and am still letting it sit until I feel them come to me. Instead I felt like coming here for a little journal entry.

It is amazing the range of emotions I am capable of. I think it is easier to regulate them when I can consistently work out, like a true workout to sweat, but what is so inconvenient right now is with my surgery recovery the most I can do is walk a couple miles. Which I had been doing at least every other day, but I am craving a good sweat. I am also craving getting physically fit right now, I am healthy and on the outside look for but I can feel there’s so much room for improvement and it would feel amazing in this time of my confidence for strength being challenged, challenged by me.

My range of emotions look like this. Some weeks I feel in motion with my life, it flows and I am confident in my decisions and that my future will reveal that to me. I heard from a commencement speech by Steve Jobs that, you can’t look into your future to connect the dots about what’s going on but you can look back to make sense of where you are. So I’m these more stable “in-motion” weeks I am confident that when I look back in the future, the dots will make sense and I will be proud of my process.

Then there are the off weeks, like this past week. Where I have the same belief as above, but instead of the confidence that, in my future I will look back  and be proud of my process, instead I worry that I will look back and have regret.

This back and forth happens and is centered around my confidence versus lack of confidence, that I called it quits with N.

The past week, including today I have been in the less confident state. And on my walk today found myself comforted by the idea that maybe someday I will be with N again, but given that he do some work on himself AND have some realization that I have qualities he wants. Qualities beyond what he recognized about me before.

I think the reasons I am craving exercise right now is because it is a way that, in the past with sports and going to the gym in college, it’s always got me to, or kept me in more of a confident “in-motion” state.

I hope you had a good weekend,

Seaturtle