Dear Seaturtle:

I hope that you are well this morning and that your incisions are healing, and that soon you’d be able to do hot yoga. We communicated for so long, often very long posts, that we.. or I end up going in circles sometimes. For example, on Oct 19 last year, I wrote about the “Teflon Mind (TM)” in regard to N. Fast forward to yesterday, March 7, I was back to the same concept, calling it “chronically numb“, going full circle back to the same concept as if it was a new idea.

Here is what I wrote on Oct 19, 2023: “his version of mental strength is what I call the Teflon Mind (TM)…   This is the difference between the two of you: you let things in, you let them stick enough to analyze them, so to understand better… the TM does not want to understand itself; any opportunity to understand (himself or you)- if it feels distressing to him- will slide off him like oil slides off Teflon… (N) doesn’t see you, not beyond the superficial, like you suspect. Your feeling UNSEEN has its roots in childhood (as is true to many people) but it is also happening presently in your relationship…

“Some people want to talk about emotions and understand better; others don’t.. or can’t, it’s not something that they are able to endure. So, when growing up with a TM, or being in a relationship with one, you get to feel alone and disconnected in their presence..”.

Fast forward almost 5 months to today, I still believe the above to be true. Plus, since I wrote the above, I found out along the way (the 33-page way) that N has been a heavy-duty, daily consumer of weed for a long time, which is Teflon on top of Teflon. And that he did weed with his father since he was a teenager, which means that weed Teflon-ed his developing, adolescent brain!

N reads like a nice guy, like when early on he brought you soup and flowers when you were sick, and when he supported you quitting your job and doing art when you lived with him, and otherwise, being generous, taking you out to nice restaurants, etc.  But there is a severe lack of compatibility: he is too different from what you need a partner to be, and the result: you were miserable a lot of the time when living with him, and you wanted out. So, you got out. You did the right thing for yourself. I hope that you come to peace with your decision.

anita