Continued (warning stated after typing the below): reading what follows may be upsetting to some readers):

“I need to place the intense, original fears of my childhood in a designated area: the past” (right above in yesterday’s post)- fear that she will die, that she will kill herself (she said she will), that I will be alone without her,

and fear of being with her, fear that she will kill me (she said she will)-

– it did not and will never happen: she will not kill herself, simply because for 40 years she threatened, but didn’t. She will not kill me because I am not there in her presence, therefore, she can’t, it’s not something that’s possible for her to do: I am not there with her!

There is a sense of victory right there, in the above: I made it impossible for her to kill me, I have this much power, here and now!

“I will murder you!”, she said, she promised; no, mother-monster, you won’t, because you can’t. I am not there with you!!!

I can hear her in my mind’s ear right now saying that I am crazy to believe those long-gone words of hers, that “everyone says words they don’t mean when angry” (she had said that which I just quoted). But oh, mother-monster, you said those words: “I will murder you!” with a voice, an emotion, an alarm that sounded like you were about to do it!

I would distill my original Fear to this one fear: that my mother-monster will viciously kill me, murder me.

Oh, mother… please don’t.. please don’t!?

Oh, mother.. please..

When the person you need most is a monster.

Oh, mother, please be a mother to me, take me in gentle arms, tell me in a gentle voice, tell me I am safe with you, I’d do anything…

I hear her in my mind’s ear saying: you stupid thing, you bad thing: “you know that no one means when they say things out of anger”, you make something out of nothing!

But oh, mother-monster, how many people were murders every day ever since you said those words to me, for the first time.. how many people said “I’ll murder you!” and then did the deed..

I am trying to talk sense to her (to my mother-monster) right now.. still trying to make her understand, trying to make the monster-mother be a mother.

Oh, how much I need, how much I still need a mother.. where can I find a mother for me?

There isn’t any.

And with all due respect, my “inner mother” cannot parent my “inner child”, not any way close to what I needed then, and still need from a real mother: a person outside of me to hold me dearly and take care of me gently, so that I can be.

I hear her still: you coward, she says, you terrible creature you are, to vilify me…

Oh, mother-monster, we will never have a meeting-of-the-minds, will we?

To TRY to reach out to the monster-mother for so long, make her hear me, gently, so gently ask her to hear me… with absolutely zero chance for success. To keep chasing her, pleading: hear me, hear me, be my mother..?!

To be continued.

anita