Dear Usyyy:

You shared that she was your first love when you were in your early 20s (now you are both in your mid-thirties, I figure). Following the breakup of the 3-year relationship ten years ago, she had a relationship with another guy for a few years, a relationship that ended 7 years ago, with him cheating on her. About 2 years later (early 2019), she got engaged, later, married the guy, and divorced him in early 2022, after he cheated on her and abused her in some other way or ways.

“As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I’ve come and have recently started a new chapter in my career… I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media… Last week I posted a quote that said ‘be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile’, she liked that quote too. I’m tempted to send her a message… I want to tread very carefully with her as I don’t really know where her mind is given what she’s been through“-

– the quote you sent her, “be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile”. A twist to this quote: don’t be the reason for someone’s smile to turn into pain. You are doing well, career wise, a new chapter, that’s a smile on your face. A relationship with a troubled woman can hurt your career, taking away your energy, and your feeling of having control over your life.

If she wasn’t troubled in her early 20s when you knew her, she is likely troubled now, after 2 failed relationships that included cheating and abuse. Not that she doesn’t deserve a new beginning, and healing, but you need to be careful, and indeed, like you stated, “tread very carefully“.

My advice: If you choose to contact her and the two of you begin a relationship of some kind, friendship or more, get to know her well, as she is now. And let this principle guide you: a healthy relationship is a Win- Win project, a Win for you, a Win for her. You are welcome to post again for more of my input, and hopefully for other members’ input as well.

anita