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My first love accepted my request, is it worth messaging her and what do I say?

HomeForumsRelationshipsMy first love accepted my request, is it worth messaging her and what do I say?

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  • #428766
    Usyyy
    Participant

    I was with my first love for 3 years before we broke up nearly 10 years ago. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out.

    I’ve always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017.

    After her breakup in 2017 I confessed my feelings for her but we didn’t go anywhere with it as she was still healing so I told her I need to cut her off at the point because I told her I was struggling to be just friends with her, to which she said that she was heartbroken that’s it come to us parting ways. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways.

    At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn’t say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn’t over her.

    At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around a year and a half ago. A few weeks ago I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. They got divorced around early 2022.

    As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I’ve come and have recently started a new chapter in my career. I considered getting in touch with her a few months ago but I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media so I wasnt too sure how she’d react to me adding her, I thought she’d reject me seen as she’s cutting off a lot of people.

    So around 6 weeks ago I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she has accepted and also followed me back. She’s been viewing my stories and a few weeks ago I posted a life quote on my story which she liked, I haven’t spoke to her yet. Last week I posted a quote that said ‘be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile’, she liked that quote too.

    I’m tempted to send her a message but not sure if she’ll respond or how she’d react, I was hoping she’d message me first but don’t think she will and I want to tread very carefully with her as I don’t really know where her mind is given what she’s been through. I know I may be overthinking it but any advice would be appreciated, thanks

    #428772
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Usyyy:

    You shared that she was your first love when you were in your early 20s (now you are both in your mid-thirties, I figure). Following the breakup of the 3-year relationship ten years ago, she had a relationship with another guy for a few years, a relationship that ended 7 years ago, with him cheating on her. About 2 years later (early 2019), she got engaged, later, married the guy, and divorced him in early 2022, after he cheated on her and abused her in some other way or ways.

    As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I’ve come and have recently started a new chapter in my career… I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media… Last week I posted a quote that said ‘be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile’, she liked that quote too. I’m tempted to send her a message… I want to tread very carefully with her as I don’t really know where her mind is given what she’s been through“-

    – the quote you sent her, “be the reason for someone’s pain to turn into a smile”. A twist to this quote: don’t be the reason for someone’s smile to turn into pain. You are doing well, career wise, a new chapter, that’s a smile on your face. A relationship with a troubled woman can hurt your career, taking away your energy, and your feeling of having control over your life.

    If she wasn’t troubled in her early 20s when you knew her, she is likely troubled now, after 2 failed relationships that included cheating and abuse. Not that she doesn’t deserve a new beginning, and healing, but you need to be careful, and indeed, like you stated, “tread very carefully“.

    My advice: If you choose to contact her and the two of you begin a relationship of some kind, friendship or more, get to know her well, as she is now. And let this principle guide you: a healthy relationship is a Win- Win project, a Win for you, a Win for her. You are welcome to post again for more of my input, and hopefully for other members’ input as well.

    anita

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