Dear Anita,

“Of all the people who were physically present in my life and with whom I interacted (unlike let’s say a historical/ political figure that caused destruction in millions of lives, including mine, but I was never in that person’s physical presence), no one bothered to put in the time and effort that my mother bothered to put into making me feel bad.”

• Of course I am now curious about this political figure and how you grew up! I don’t know if it appropriate to ask. As for your mother, looking at the glass half full, I am glad to hear no one else made you feel that way.

“because it flattered him that a much younger guy wanted to get to know him, to learn from him perhaps, as an admiring mentee?”

• Actually yes. If my partner wants nothing from my father, and only wants me, I am not sure how that will play out, but I will deal with it then!

“it could be that he was following a rigid rule, that he was responsible to keep you away from guys only until the age of 18.”

• This is what it felt like, he never had a reason that I remember making sense to me.

“But by the time you turned 18, he was in a new romantic relationship (with his current girlfriend..?), and that’s when he stopped being.. inappropriately possessive of you.”

• I do think he was inappropriately possessive, but I don’t think it had an affect whether or not he had a girlfriend because he treated my younger sister similarly while he was with a girlfriend. Although what is interesting and honestly so sad, he told me and my youngest sister about our outfits being inappropriate, but we have another sister in the middle of us that my dad didn’t do that with. She coped with our home life by secluding herself and binge eating, she had an eating disorder for a long time and was quite over weight because of it. I find it sad and strange that my dad did not have the same clothing rules for her. That sister brought it to my attention that he didn’t care what she wore, she asked me why once and I did not have an answer for that.

” I don’t know what F wanted from you.. an ever-lasting admiration, a.. kind of love that’s not appropriate for a father to demand from his daughter..?”

• He doesn’t understand what is appropriate and what is not. I don’t think his intentions were incestuous in any way, if told that he would be stunned at the accusation. I am trying to understand where his inappropriate behavior came from, it’s like he created his own rules in his head and just believed they were correct, no question. He would never admit to fully being wrong, it’s always something with him.

“this could be about F’s inappropriate possessiveness of you pre-18, his attention to your clothes being too revealing= his attention to your revealed feminine body, and how awkward and self-conscious it made you feel at the time.”

• This is a good point, because the awkwardness I have felt is the same feeling when he would point something out. It has taken me many years to be able to wear clothing that flatters my body without feeling dirty and awkward.

“yes, I remember, and it no longer sounds superficial to me, not when I think of N being chronically numb as the reason behind him not being able to laugh (or compliment you, or elaborate about his feelings.. or freely dance..?)”

• Funny you say this, he was not able to do any of those things naturally. They all felt forced but I didn’t want him to never do it again so I just took the job of making it seem more natural by just being vulnerable back.

I read the beginning of your next post and saw your warning about the length and depth so I will respond in a separate message. As I feel ready to read it I am excited.

Seaturtle