Dear ParadoxMusic:

At first, as I was reading your story (original post), it read like a love story in the making, a 17 year old (to turn 18 in two months) meeting a 22-year-old woman (B) in college back in 2022, both wearing masks (a Covid Love Story), you were infatuated with “the most beautiful woman” (mask off), butterflies in your stomach, heart pounding… alone in the elevator, another study session…  a kiss, your very first, “the weirdest, most sensational feeling“.. Halloween, you see “a naked woman for the first time” (B), she made you breakfast, you were “very much in love with her“. First sign of trouble, she tells you that she has feelings for you and for her ex, you broke up, the next day she told you that she chose you. The next day she broke up with you, later to tell you that she “could not bear to be without” you. Another sign of trouble: you saw a picture of her with a towel, naked, with another man (an ex), a picture that was taken after one of the breakups between the two of you (hence the “cheating“ and  technicality you mentioned in the title of your thread). When you turned 18, the two of you watched a movie while cuddling, and you introduced her to your parents. More breakups  followed, including “constant severe fighting“, and getting back together again, “after she apologized for her behavior and understood her mistake“. All this so far quite intense, but still in the parameters of teenagers/ very young people in love.

But then… the story goes into one of life’s very dark sides (reminds me of your use of the words dark energy in a earlier thread). I will summarized this dark side from what you shared: B’s parents neglected B, so her aunt took her in, and proceeded to be.. not a mother for B, but B’s pimp (“the aunt was receiving the money from a married man who was looking for a sexual release with a woman, and she was waiting for the opportunity to sell my girlfriend to him for sex“), and indeed, her aunt arranged for sex between the two, which happened. And this was known and approved of by her extended family.

Following you finding out about this, in one of the getting back together times, she seemed to not understand the wrongness of what she participated in,  and she blamed you again (“She continued to blame me for her own stupid behavior… I ..explained to her in the simplest terms possible what exactly she did and why it was wrong“). Following that, she “realized her mistake and asked (you) to take her back“. After that, you found out that she posted “pictures of herself in a bikini at a resort with her male friend, who is a rich old man“.

It seems to me, ParadoxMusic, that you are focused on the lesser aspect of all this (whether she cheated on you or not), and you minimize the bigger story here, this human tragedy: the prostitution of B, arranged by her aunt,  and approved of by her extended family.

“She is a good woman overall, but there are these stupid red flags that I cannot ignore… she proved that she was wife material (excluding her stupid antics)“- the terms stupid red flags and stupid antics are stark minimizations of what is happening.

“What should I do?“- research online the topic of rehabilitating sex workers in the country where you and B live. Not that you can rehabilitate her, but maybe you can gather better understanding of the situation, and  refer her to a good agency that works with sex workers on their rehabilitation.

I believe that you are correct when you say that B is “a good woman overall“, but she was trained by her aunt to do this kind of work, and she is loyal, I imagine, to her aunt because her aunt took care of her when her parents wouldn’t. She may feel indebted to her aunt.

“Did it not register in her head what a horrible person her aunt is? Is she still that stupid?“- it is very difficult for a child to see a parent or a parent figure as a bad, horrible person. It’s not out of stupidity, but out of a child’ needs to feel safe. A child who perceives her parent- with whom she lives- to be a horrible person, would experience to much fear about the danger of living with, and being dependent on a horrible person. This emotional dynamic extends to adulthood.

“I have not slept properly in months. Should I give her another chance? She says that she understands her mistakes.. She says I will heal from the trauma of what she did but I don’t see any progress“- she says she understands.. but she doesn’t does she? She says that you will heal, but is she healing?

Be her friend, if you can handle it, but not her boyfriend or her husband, unless and until such time (if it will happen, it will be a long time from now) that she heals and gets rehabilitated.

“The amount of rage I felt in that one second, was enough to force me to kill anyone who pissed me off right then. But I didn’t. I controlled my feelings. I controlled my rage”- congratulations for controlling your rage!

You had a painful childhood and adolescence yourself paradoxMusic, such that resulted in chronic pain and darkness (“I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this ‘Dark Energy’“, March 6, 2020). You are a very intelligent young man, and you are studying medicine. Focus on your studies and on your mental health. Help those who need help, if and when you are able, but sinking into their troubles, taking on their dark energy will not help you or them.

I hope to read more from you and I wish you well.. (and I wish B well too).

anita