Dear antarkala:

This morning, I will be re-reading all your posts and commenting as I go along, keeping in mind what you shared later, as I comment on what you shared earlier:

“I am a 25-year-old in a serious relationship for around 1 and a half years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and we have been friends for 3 years before we got into the relationship. Both of us moved abroad for our Master’s and decided to take our friendship to the next level since we had similar life goals, values, and interests“- reads like an intelligent, mature attitude and practice on your part: getting into a relationship with a man you’ve known for three years as friends, finding out his goals, values and interests, and seeing that there is a match in these.

There is love and he is independent, kind, career-driven, supportive, puts in the effort, and he is a wonderful person: “We love each other very much and are independent, kind, career-driven… he is not stopping me from being myself and he in fact supports me..  He puts in that effort and tries to talk to all of my friends… he has a wonderful personality…  he is a wonderful person all in all“.

“Coming to the issue, though we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“- to thoroughly understand what is missing in the relationship, you have to first understand what is missing within you.. something missing that you brought into the relationship. Understanding the latter, will give you an accurate understanding of the former.

It will not be easy to explore that which is missing-within because strong emotions are involved. If you see the need for such exploration and are willing to do so, to some extent, here on your thread, please do and read what’s next in my post:

“I have always been a misfit. Cannot point out one reason but I have had my share of experiences in life – I experienced sexual assault as a kid through years which I think wired me differently, my younger brother was a pampered kid majorly because he is a boy and I am a girl, I don’t think I got enough validation from my dad… My mom says I am too sensitive and hints that maybe I am overreacting – sometimes I wonder if I am just too weak and use my trauma as an excuse... my mom was anxious and worried quite often… I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out… if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home… whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her… Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years!“-

– I selectively boldfaced the above because I will be asking you questions, in this post, only about the boldfaced, as part of the exploration I mentioned above. Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions, and those you choose to answer, you are welcome to answer only to the extent you are comfortable with. (I will not be asking you questions that in my mind are too distressing to answer):

1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond?

2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse?

3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant?

4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up?

anita