Continued (trigger warning.. sensitive topic):

Fear, the fear of being alone (autophobia), that’s been my fear for as long as I remember.

There were 2 kinds of Alone: (1) being without that person (previously referred to in this thread, as my mother), once she does what she repeatedly said she will do: kill herself (commit suicide). And that, as she repeatedly said, that she’d kill herself because I was a bad, bad girl, the worst. The worst girl in the world.

(I remember her threatening to kill herself when I was younger than 6, when I was 20+, and last time I remember, I was in my late 30s or early 40s).

(2) being with that person: the crushing criticism, guilt-tripping, shaming.. shaming, lots of shaming, shaming me to the core. Crushing my spirit while keeping my body alive.

Couldn’t live without her, couldn’t live (as in truly live) with her.

The first was fear; the second was fear and anger: great anger, RAGE.

I want to talk about that RAGE (talking to her, in my mind, here): You tell me: who do you think you are..? (you big zero).  Today, I ask you: who do you think YOU are? Your shame does not give you the right to inflict it on ME!

You literally cut your head off in photographs, it’s a shame.. but you have no RIGHT to figuratively cut off my head by shaming me to the core, and at length, crushing my spirit, mutilating my brain. You have no such right!!!

And yet, you took the liberty to do what was oh, so very wrong for you to do.

You took that liberty because you were not afraid of retaliation, not from me, not from anyone else. For there was no one for me, no one with me.

Who do you think YOU are?

You called me names, you told me how bad, bad, bad, bad… bad, bad of a person I was- am.

You are!

It is a bad person who returns shame for the unconditional, most dedicated love of a daughter for her (perceived) mother, the love of a little girl looking up to her mother for love in return.

Alone without her; alone and condemned with her. RAGE.

anita