Continued (trigger warning, as always):

I keep posting here because it is working for me, it gets me closer and closer to peace-of-mind. And if what I post here helps a single other person out there, that’s good enough for me, a worthy cause.

I am alone this evening, not yet dark, autophobia. I feel the scream from the inside, inaudible, yet intensely, quietly, terribly loud: Mother! Help me! Somebody help me!

This is not an intellectual exercise, here, it’s emotional: Help Me!

I feel the despair. I feel the what’s-the-point, no one is here for me, no one is there for me, no one to hold me and help me.

The Alone-ness.

How is it that no one hears me, no one hears my cries?

All alone, I am all alone, no one there for me?

Autophobia, this means.. I am going to die, all alone?

And no one knows, no one cares?

I hear a noise outside,  a helicopter in the sky perhaps, The noise is gone now, It’s quiet again. Alone. A bit of darkness outside, alone inside… Here’s the helicopter sound again.. someone is out there, a human being.  Who is that person in the sky..?

Those Formative Years of childhood, what they formed into me is a desperate alone-ness and loneliness, the there’s no one there for me.

Judging by the desperate cries of a coyote pup a few years ago, one who found himself (or herself) alone, separated and far away from the pack that one night, it’s a terrible feeling, death-about-to-happen any moment. For a highly social animal (a human, a coyote, a dog) separation/ alone-ness = death.

It’s darker now than when I started this post, not yet dark but really close to being dark, the closing of a day.

anita