Dear Paradoxy,

Exactly, because they believe that even if the child has a mental breakdown, they believe that the child will eventually become successful and appreciate the abuse they are put through.

They do not categorize it as abuse.

So let’s assume there is a tribe deep in the jungle who believes that cutting off their child’s ear will help them achieve great success in life. Would you say they are good parents, who care about their child’s happiness?

And that it makes sense to justify the practice of ear-cutting, because children from that tribe all achieve a great success?

All I have to say is “Yes” and “Ok” and “Good” and “I’m fine” and “Nothing special happened” and etc and then I can just go back to minding my own business. Been doing this for 2 years now and I barely have to go through any actual emotional abuse through the calls cause all I have to do is pretend to agree and then they leave me alone. It just gets annoying sometimes since I feel the urge to correct them when they say something wrong but other than that, I am completely fine. I am protecting myself by avoiding confrontation.

Yes exactly, that’s called fawning, as I’ve already explained. It is appeasing the bully. You are protecting yourself from his even greater wrath, not from his abuse, because you are still exposing yourself to his abuse, every single day. You’re still listening to your father’s lies and insults, him calling you a pig etc. But you suck it up, because if you resisted, you would encounter an even greater wrath.

That’s not protecting yourself from abuse, Paradoxy. That’s appeasing the bully, so they wouldn’t hurt you even more. And staying firmly in the grip of abuse.

Yes I tried to make B understand, but that was not because my parents didn’t understand me. I tried to make B understand because I had hoped that she was the love of my life, the woman I would spend the rest of my life with and if I am going to do that, we are going to need to be able to understand each other.

I’ve explained in great detail how you transferred your longing to be seen and understood from your parents to B (check my post No 431900). She clearly had no empathy or understanding for you, she didn’t care that she was hurting you, and yet you were trying and trying to explain to her why she is hurting and why she should stop doing it. You were speaking to a brick wall, indeed. But the longing (of your inner child) was so strong that you couldn’t let it go.

If you now want to deny that this is behind your attachment to her, well, it is your right. You can find an alternative explanation for your obsession with B, but it is clear to me that it has everything to do with your unmet emotional needs from childhood.

You still see it as if I haven’t learnt my lesson. I put up with B’s abuse because I was taught to love one person and one person only, not because I got attached to my bully. It is that moral that makes me one of the most loyal and most trusted persons around here

Unfortunately it does seem you haven’t learned your lesson, because you are denying the main reason for your attachment to her. The main psychological mechanism behind it. And the problem is that if you keep denying it, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes with another girl, in another romantic relationship.

And the fact that she is my first real love makes it even harder for me to detach because it is the first time my love has been reciprocated in real life and I had invested too much into the relationship for me to just throw away.

Yeah it was seemingly reciprocated – she in fact worked hard to catch you in the beginning – but after a mere few days the troubles started. And everything after that was arguments and her lies and excuses and then more arguments, and even bigger lies and secrets coming to surface etc etc. Your love wasn’t reciprocated, even when she pretended to ask for an apology. Because the very next day she would be off, doing her thing, in a resort with suspicious men.

But none of that was enough to make you see how she is exploiting you and manipulating you. You found an excuse for everything, and not only that, but you believed that you are to blame. Exactly the same thing you are doing with your parents – excusing even the most egregious behavior.

I have realized that even if I was raised by a different parent, the outcome would essentially be the same. For example, even if I started dating another (ideal) girl or got married or something, I would still not be the son-in-law that my wife/gf’s father would want, which is why I don’t feel good enough to ask out any girl now. And that is not based on my parents at all, it is based on my own observations and my application of psychology to various situations. So essentially there is a degree of truth to what my inner critic says.

Well of course, having critical and abusive parents influences us in negative ways, e.g. it may influence the person to become an addict. And then they are beating themselves up, believing they are a loser and a nobody, not realizing that the very reason they became an addict is to numb the pain caused by their parents’ upbringing. Just like you wanted to harm yourself. But that’s the consequence, i.e. the result of your parents’ harmful parenting style. Not something you would have done on your own, had they raised you in a loving manner.

If I was as terrorized as you describe me to be, I would not have even tried to start working on my music, nor would I be rebellious to my parents by dating B, nor even consider the possibility of quitting med and etc. But I have started to work on myself.

Even if you started dating a girl outside of your religious community, she still was/is a bully, similar to your parents. And so you fell right back into their trap, i.e. in the trap of their parenting.

Good to hear you are working on your music though.

nor even consider the possibility of quitting med and etc.

Does that mean you are considering quitting medicine?

Take care of them as they age, especially their physical needs

Well, you can do that without enduring their abuse and without even studying medicine. What you need is to get a decently paid job, in a field that you like and that fits your interests.