Dear Paradoxy,

My dad already has the predetermined ideology that suicidal people are idiots, so he believed that there was no way in hell that his own kid would be suicidal. Besides, it’s not like they can see me in pain. They have to see me suffer in order for them to feel like I need help. I have never shown them my suffering, I kept it bottled.

So you never told them what was bothering you? Have you ever tried telling them?

But you did tell it to your school/church friend, didn’t you? Because you told her that you attempted suicide because of your parents. Did you tell her what you didn’t like about your parents’ behavior?

they even had other parents try to lecture me. They all say the same thing because THEY ALL think that what they are suggesting is actually what is good for me. They don’t know that I am suffering.

So after your suicide attempt, they had other parents lecture you. What did those other parents tell you?

it is not other fathers in our religious community, it is outsiders too, even my own school teachers said the same thing when my mom enquired them about me on parent teacher conference days. EVEN THE CHURCH MEN SAID IT TOO, and we go to a Greek Church so you definitely know they are not anywhere near of our “religious” community.

What did your school teachers say about you? What did the Church men say?

No, their parenting style did harm me, but not because the parenting style was harmful, but because of the individuals using the parenting style. Another parent can use the same parenting style, even be cruel to a certain point, but if they had just realized the mental and emotional deterioration that was happening, they could have helped with the healing while maintaining the parenting style. They could still drive me into doing med and not pursuing music and etc, but if they had just given me the encouragement I needed, the understanding that I expected from them, helping me go through this process TOGETHER instead of all by myself, my mental and emotional health would have been so much better.

So you are saying your parents still have impacted your emotional and mental health, because they haven’t realized the mental and emotional deterioration that was happening, they haven’t given you the encouragement you needed and the understanding that you expected from them. And they let you go through this process ALONE, all by yourself.

But if you had parents who did the above, then your mental and emotional health would be so much better.

So you are basically saying that your parents’ treatment did affect your emotional and mental health. That there was something they failed to do: they failed to realize your mental and emotional deterioration, i.e. your suffering. And they failed you give you encouragement and understanding you needed, which left you feeling all alone.

You are saying that their failure to provide those things left a mark on your mental and emotional health. Which means you are basically agreeing with me, because I have been saying the same.

I am not fit to be a son-in-law because most fathers want a son that is mature and man enough to handle the responsibility of being the man of the house. And that is a huge responsibility, and requires leadership skills, which I definitely lack due to my lack of confidence due to my poor mental and emotional health. I need a certain level of wisdom to understand how to handle the responsibilities of being the man of the house. Being the man of the house also requires me to ignore my emotions when taking responsibilities.

I have been observing this in 39 families now, and it is the same thing in each of them, that is how I know that this thing is normal and the outcome will still be the same.

You are describing a set of expectations that are put on men in your religious community: you need to be “the man in the house”. Which means that you need to be the sole decision maker in the family. For that, you need to have a certain level of wisdom and leadership skills to “lead” your wife (and your children) in a wise manner. When making decisions, you need to ignore your emotions and use only “logic”. And whenever you feel pain or discomfort about something, you need to “suck it up” and do your duty.

This is the image of a “perfect” man and husband that you grew up with, or better say, that you were indoctrinated with.

This image is bs, if I may say so. It has nothing to do with how a good, strong and yet compassionate man should behave. The very fact that you are supposed to ignore your emotions and your heart cannot lead to wise decisions. You cannot be wise and at the same time ignore and suppress your emotions.

Also the idea that you need to “lead” your wife – who supposedly is not too smart and needs your guidance – is super misogynist. A healthy relationship is about both partners being equal, and both agreeing on the best path forward in their life. It can be that some men are better in finances, and so they make financial  decisions. But sometimes the woman is better with finances, or uses her intuition to e.g. decide what property to buy. So it’s okay to let the woman decide too, specially if she has better skills than the man in some areas.

This whole idea of man wearing the pants and making all important decisions in the family is bs. It puts a lot of pressure on you as a man. And it would on any guy who is not a stuck-up male chauvinist who believes women are stupid and should focus on what they know to do best: child rearing and household.

If you believe you need to be that kind of man – the kind of man your father taught you to be and that he himself is – then I am sorry, I cannot help you. Because it would require you to turn yourself into something you are not, within a family system that is in itself distorted. But if you want to grow out of that toxic and outdated system, then we can talk about it some more.