Dear Anita,

Thank you for writing 🙂

I am well yes! April was just a crazy month for me… Now I’m in bed journaling a little and I’ve just seen your post. I am not in the most focused moods to write but might be good to try. Tomorrow I’m going to work for quite a few hours and the day after too. I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar. I’ve liked that place for a long time and after a few weeks of thinking I asked the owner if I could work there as a waiter. It’s a nice place – on the beach, always outside, good vibes, there’s a DJ – so there’s a lot of music I like. ( I also Dj in my free time but didn’t yet manage to do any gigs ). In many ways it would be more suitable for me to be a Dj not a waiter in that bar.. but maybe this is what I need right now. Let’s see.

One month ago I was back in Warsaw for a short holiday… back to the place where I’ve lived for almost 2 years. I felt quite good there although when I was living there I always missed Alicante and kept saying how much I’d like to be back there ( here ). I don’t know… is the grass always that much greener? It was very difficult for me to leave.. I mean.. after this last holiday at the beginning of April.. I kept crying and crying.. I felt really down. I was coming back to the place that has been on my mind for so long.. but I didn’t want to leave Warsaw. But it was the only right thing to do. There I don’t have a job and while I was living there I didn’t manage to find one. Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely. The party land this place has been for years has changed. Actually it hasn’t – it became even more of a party land but it’s me who has changed. I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ”lost” most of my friends ( or drinking buddies ) too.

What am I doing?

I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend and I don’t know if she’ll be able to move here any time soon. Things don’t look very promising for her moving here any time soon. I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created. I wanted to come here and do all this.. it all worked as I planned it.. because I knew what I wanted and I focused my attention to it. But I’m not really sure what am I really doing.

And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore.. since we have literally nothing in common with the person I live with and the only conversations we have are made of her talking about herself but never asking how my day was, for example. I guess we used to drink and party a lot together and since the binding matter has vanished there isn’t much to talk about. Fair enough!

Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice.. I think I like it more than the teaching.. my colleagues are nice and quite authentic I would say. There isn’t much bullshit flying around I feel quite good working with them and it feels good to step into a different challenge – working in a team and learn from others, although I’ve always had a problem with people telling me what to do. It’s really hard work though. I don’t yet know what to do.. Maybe I’ll stay for a while.. I need to become fully independent from my family financially. That’s the end goal and I suppose that’s also the main reason why I came here. In Warsaw I had no job and here I do. Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks. I just find it really hard to function in this kind of relationship.. I often get frustrated and feel like I’d like her to come here faster although I know it’s not such an easy thing to do.

I know.. not much sense I’m making. I told you I’m a bit of a fog.. Quite dense I would say. But I just don’t know what to do.

On one hand – I’ve achieved what I wanted and things seem to head that way.. towards my financial independence, sunny days, workouts on the beach. On the other hand – I’m on my own. I got used to living with her.. or at least in the same city. Also at the beginning of this year when I confronted my mother about her hitting me during my childhood I got even more disconnected from both of them. There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore.

I feel like I’m on my own. I often feel lonely.. and I cry for a while. I ask myself why am I here doing this? But then I ask myself.. If not here now than where? While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me.

Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside. I spend time thinking, walking on the beach and most of the time I don’t mind not having company. In that respect I’ve grown a lot.. I don’t need to be around people as much as I used to and I choose with much more care where I put my energy and time and who I share them with.  Sometimes I feel like this is needed – and I’m exactly where I should be. Maybe I need some time on my own to build my new foundation.

I know I’ll soon take a decision. I might stay or go. Now I gotta get ready to rest.. tomorrow I’ll be running around for 8 hours carrying drinks to drunken foreigners. ( that used to be me not so long ago :))

Take good care Anita,

I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!

Robi