Dear Anita,

I’m soo tired! I’ve just put my computer on my lap starting to write and I realise all I wanna do is take a nap. I’ve planned to go to the beach and do my workout. Might take a break today.. maybe I could actually rest. Also its soo hot already.. the only reasonable time to train is either early morning or evening. Sadly, I work most evenings and sleep most mornings:))

There are some news however! On Saturday the manager of that beach bar told me we won’t cooperate anymore. He needs someone available to work 40 hours and since I also work in the school, I can only work part time at the bar. For a couple of weeks I’ve had it – I was making a decent income and I was fully independent from my family financially ( at least on my way to be ). Then he told me the news I felt okay.. I was a little sad because I wanted to keep working and get closer to my financial goal.. but I accepted it as if things have to go this way right now. It did feel like the right thing though. So then I thought.. okay.. I still have the 10 hours a week I do for the school.. it isn’t much but its enough for me to pay for food and expenses. ( rent is still provided by my family ).

Yesterday I asked the school when do the courses and.. and to my surprise I realised they will end quite soon and I will be left without the school job as well, next month. All this time I was thinking of Warsaw.. missing being there, planning and picturing me working there, having a remote job, working in café’s etc. Also, these days I finally said it to my friends and girlfriend – I voiced my doubts about living here in Alicante. It was hard to admit that maybe this isn’t a good place for me right now and I don’t feel good here. Finally admitting it felt good and I felt much lighter.

Also on Monday my body seemed to have reacted to all the stress I’ve been lately so for the first time, I couldn’t go do my classes.. my body felt like it’s been hit by a train – horrible headache and very dense mental fog. I couldn’t do it.. I was fed up with doing those classes. So I canceled the day. I rested. Later on the headache was still there, I was still in a pretty bad state when a friend called me and told him about wanting to leave Alicante, and how I really felt here.. Next thing you know, I felt like I just woke up in the morning full of energy – although it was close to the end of the day and I’ve had a tough time. I’m thinking maybe my body is showing me this job isn’t for me.

Now.. finding out yesterday that I’ll be left without classes soon, I decided to buy myself a cheap ticket to Warsaw – for the beginning of June. I decided not to wait and get a very good price by buying one early. It’s funny because my girlfriend will be here for 8 days and she’ll be going back to Warsaw  the same day I will – but we’ll have different flights :))

These days I kept applying to all sorts of jobs there, every day. Let’s see.. maybe I get lucky and get an interview lined up  for June. If not.. I’m thinking of staying there for a bit,  a week or two with her and her mum and if I don’t yet have any work maybe go to Transylvania and spend some time ” home ”. Well that’s where I’m from and where my parents live.. but not sure it feels like home. Sometimes it does. I don’t know.. there’s something in me that wants to go there for a bit –  couple of weeks will be okay. Maybe It’ll be good.. maybe there are still things that need to be addressed. Maybe not. We’ll see. Still.. feels better than living here, paying rent out of my parent’s pocket and not really liking it.

Up until buying the ticket, I was looking forward to leave.. to go both to Poland and Romania.. but after buying it.. I started feeling some resistance. Is this a good thing? Maybe I could’ve thought about it more. It’s always like that! I still want to do it, but I observe again how I function. I feel like I’m moving on. Again. It’s good!

Thank you for creating this space – being able to be heard means so much to me!

I hope you are having a good day and I’d like you to know that whenever you’d like to share anything, I would be very happy to respond with my best insights. Now, I won’t be working out.  I’ll take a nap instead. I’ll have to do those 3 hours later on 🙁

Robi