Continued:

She did something every day and she did it massively, so much that it often affects me negatively in real-life, presently. I am aware of it these days more than ever before, I notice when it happens, and I want to resolve this issue. I never adequately addressed it, and I never resolved it. It is unpleasant for me to bring it up and to elaborate on it. But here it is nonetheless:

As the Paranoid Personality Disordered person that she has been all my life, she kept spewing out massive amounts of negative talk about every person in real-life: neighbors, “friends”, family members, strangers, everyone. Every person got his or her turn to sink into her verbal sewage of condemnation and vilification. Her accusatory theme was that they.. EVERYONE was using her, taking advantage of her, and those everyone were fortunate people with fortunate easy lives taking advantage of an unfortunate woman with a very difficult life.

She used to invite those people to her home, feed them, treat them like royalty, or see them at events like weddings and holidays give them expensive gifts, and then complain to me, at great lengths, how they took advantage of her by eating the food she worked so hard to buy and prepare, how they accepted her expensive gifts and didn’t reciprocate, something like that. I used to FUME about it, to see my poor mother, my most unfortunate, hard working mother being taken advantage of by the fortunate people.

I tried my best to talk to her, to tell her to not feed those bad people, to not give them expensive gifts, but she refused to listen. And when I told her that I will tell them myself, so to stop this injustice, she forbade me from doing so, threatening to murder me if I do.

And so, I was forced to silently observe her feeding and gifting and being super, super nice to the fortunate, selfish people who ruthlessly took advantage of my poor mother; my heart was beating fast in anger, but I kept the anger in, unable, unallowed to say or do anything about it.

She viewed people negatively, suspiciously, with condemnation, presenting everyone as Selfish, Bad, Corrupt.

I didn’t have the opportunity to view any person as Good, or even Neutrally, they were all covered with Bad, and a lot of Bad, with details and stories, gossip that she told me directly, and gossip I heard her telling others. It included details of neighbors’ and cousins’ sexual practices, things I couldn’t unhear once I heard them.

So, I’d see a neighbor, a cousin.. and I’d know those sexual things they did, images in my mind.

I’d see a person smiling at me, and I’d think: I know how bad you are, how selfishly you are taking advantage of my poor mother!

Everyone I met, as a child, was covered with Bad, placed there by my mother.

Fast forward, in real-life, I see people covered with dirt every day (figuratively), people taking advantage, unfair advantage, bad people using the less fortunate (when it isn’t so, when people are imperfect, but not bad!), and I get very angry; and I remain quiet, just as I did back then.

Basically, what happens is I see a person having a selfish moment, a dishonest moment, and I emotionally over-react, as in: this person is the kind that destroyed my mother, took advantage of her, bad, bad person. I don’t view the person with moderation. After all, I am not perfect myself, I have my selfish moments.

I want to see people as they are, without the layer of dirt/ badness so easily attached to them.

To be continued.

anita