Dear Tee,

“Nobody was saying that… I was referring to the song that was inspired by one of the girls in your university class.” Yes I know that. I am saying how could people assume that I was interested in her just cause she inspired the melody for a song?

“The phrase you’ve been using so far was that your friend told B that you were interested in the girl who inspired you to write a song” He said that I was ROMANTICALLY interested in the girl, which is why B assumed I was cheating on her.

“So even if you told him that your being intrigued by her is not of a romantic kind, he still might have not believed you. Because let’s be frank: being intrigued by a girl, who caught your attention, and writing a song for her – definitely means interest of some kind.” Lol that is why I said it won’t make sense cause I made a song for a 10 year old as well but that doesn’t make me a pedophile.

“So your friend wasn’t lying to B after all.” So making false assumptions doesn’t go along with lying? Would it be correct if I said that he should have kept his false assumptions to himself instead of telling B?

“So will you own up to the fact that you expressed interest in that girl, or at least that writing a song for her and telling your friend that you were intrigued by her – could be interpreted as interest?” I didn’t know that could be interpreted as ROMANTIC interest, ESPECIALLY after SPECIFICALLY stating that I was not romantically interested in the girl.

I know the guy is in the gray area rn, which is why I am forgiving him for his foolishness but I am not going to trust him again. Surprisingly, he messaged me today to “check up on me” for the first time in months. And I have a very sneaky suspicion that B might be using him to get to me, but that is just an assumption so I won’t think about it too deeply.

“He told her the truth, or what is close to truth: that you are interested or could be interested in that girl in the present time, in June of 2024, 3 months after the breakup with B. He didn’t tell her that you have been interested in her for months prior, or that you have been emotionally cheating on B.” No, he told B near the end of April, even before I realized any real interest developing for her. That is why it is stupid, because he came to this false assumption and shared it with B even before I started actively thinking about the girl. And I can’t even tell if it was his false assumption that indirectly made me start thinking about her anyway.

What is even more stupid is that I told the guy about another girl who intrigued me cause she is ALWAYS SMILING when she talks. So I just found it weird that she is able to smile so often despite how stressful med is and I shared that with him, but how come he didn’t assume I was romantically interested in her? And I pointed that out to B as well and now she is getting everything mixed up cause there is another girl who shares the same name as the girl who always smile and this girl happened to be an Indian while the smiling girl is Caribbean but B now assumes that I never loved her because she thinks that it was the Indian girl who intrigued me when it was actually the other girl who always smiled. This is some bs. Anyway, I managed to clarify all the confusion but I don’t think B believes me but we don’t talk anymore anyway so it doesn’t matter. B’s overthinking really is annoying.

““Accuse is the wrong term here” – Well, telling you that you are wrong for doing something you’ve done – is accusing.”  Well accuse just seemed like a harsh term considering he made the comment like it was a suggestion.

“You were not telling everybody about B’s prostitution, but you only told him, whom was your best friend, and whom you used to confide in. So it’s not fair to say that you were telling it to everybody.” Yea, but he still thinks it’s wrong for me to have told him. And now I feel guilty cause it feels like I disrespected B by telling him.

“So he is repeating her narrative: that prostitution wasn’t her fault (“cause its not her fault”) and that you should have just accepted it and moved on. And kept pretending as if nothing happened, and kept having sex per usual.” Yea basically that is what he is saying.

“Well, he is not keeping it professional with you, because he is talking about your relationship with B and even telling you what you should and shouldn’t have done. He is definitely not professional, but is talking about private stuff. More precisely, the stuff that you confided in him about back then, and that now he is claiming you’ve never should have done (parroting B’s opinion).” Yeah but that conversation only happened once and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

“In fact, he should have never said to B that he knows she prostituted herself. That was a breach of your trust, because you never told him it’s okay to give away such confidential information, have you?” He said that he thought it would be okay since we had already broken up. He seems to have cracked under the pressure B was putting on him when she was hammering him with a lot of questions. Besides, it is kinda hypocritical for me to blame him cause B told me to keep the issue between us but I told the guy cause of the emotional stress I was under, so expecting him to keep it from B was not to be expected anyway. I breached the confidence that B and I had, so do I really have the right to criticize the guy for breaching the confidence between him and I?

“I don’t think he did it on purpose back then, when you broke up. I guess he wanted to be “mean” and put her in her place (because he didn’t like her back then). But it wasn’t a nice thing to do, and yes, it was a breech of trust on his part.” Nah he was definitely not trying to be mean, he just cracked under pressure when B asked him a thousand times about whether I told him what really happened.

“This would be the goal of your healing: individuation, finally giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. It is a huge goal, but you are young. Nevertheless, the sooner you start working on it, the better…” Yes I am working on that, but I have also realized that in order to make friends, I am the one who is forced to adapt to them. In fact I am the most malleable person I know, able to shift the way I think and process to accommodate others, but they are unable to do it for me. So are you saying that I should stop trying to make friends and just stick to myself and my healing? Cause even if I heal, I would end up chipping a part of me whenever I try to make a friend.

I am aware of my feelings and I am aware of my issues, which I am working on. But the main concern is that nobody else cares about how I feel. Nobody else cares about whether I am lonely, whether I feel disrespected or hurt or etc. That just seems unfair to me cause I am trying my best to understand others. Always trying to make sure that nobody is left behind. Often checking on others to make sure they are ok. But what about me? I am healing, but it just becomes ridiculous when I end up chipping myself every time I try to help others.

Paradoxy