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ParadoxMusic

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  • #345956
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    #345894
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Anita, I do the exact same thing as you: daydream when I listen to music. But more importantly, I have decided to make a remix and call it Moon and Star to depict my feelings. Wish me good luck.

    #345424
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Anita, my music skills are starting to lose value and I lack the time to work on a song besides, my parents would not allow me to. As a 10th grade student, I have a lot of work to do for my exams. But I like your suggestion, but instead of making a song, I listen to songs… songs that take away my hope. I prefer it more for some reason. Don’t ask me why.

    Peter, I appreciate your advice and you are right. However, what I want, is to get rid of this feeling of love. It ruined my friendship with the girl. But amazingly, she was ok and she understood. So we continued our friendship. The fact that she understood made me love her even more! And it is annoying. I wish to stop loving. If I love again, I feel like more like an idiot and a fool.

    #344884
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    I guess my only option is to stop going after her. But I can’t seem to find a way to stop hoping that she would change her mind.

    #343230
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Thank you for answering, Melinda.

    I made this thread quite a while ago and no one had answered so I had actually given up on this thread. Unfortunately, things have changed from the day I created this thread.

    Firstly, I got rejected by the girl. It so happened that my friend had told her that I liked her and she was worried. But I never told her. Eventually, I couldn’t keep this up and I decided to tell her that I liked someone else and that I needed her advice. It was a scheme to figure out what she was going to say if I confessed my love for her. Turns out, her answer would have been a no if I confessed. So I didn’t tell her who I liked or that I liked her. But she asked me if the girl I liked was her and I had to lie so our friendship would not be awkward; I told her that it was not her. At this, she became very happy and I was heartbroken. (This was how I managed to confirm my theory that she would have rejected me if I asked her.) But she kept pestering me to tell her who it was. But I refused to tell her, for the sake of our friendship. Then she said that she hated me. I was depressed to hear this so I confessed to her yesterday. I also told her that I knew what her answer was. And I couldn’t help but sense an aura from her that she wanted me to leave. I was even more depressed than before, after seeing that she was not happy. Today, she told me she wanted to talk to me. She told me, “I am flattered that you like me, but I have never imagined you more than a friend.” I understood her and told her she didn’t need to tell me that since I already knew. But deep inside I was very heartbroken and it took nearly all my strength to stop my tears. (Don’t judge me; I know that it is stupid to cry just cause a girl rejected me but I’ve never been cared for by another person before, including my parents and my sister. However, I never stopped loving my family and helping people. And I only wanted someone to like me as I like them too.)

    Anyway, she also told me to promise her that I wouldn’t be suicidal… It so happened that after my first rejection by the Egyptian girl, I built stuff to cope with the misery and loneliness and sadness I felt. And one of the things I built was a pressurized energy vessel. To put it in simpler terms: a bomb. It was a container that kept heated particles created from the massive pressure used to compress the particles in the form of energy. There was a miscalculation in the build-up of energy; it created too much energy and it blew up and the shrapnel pierced my arm. I had to go to school with a bandaged arm for a couple of months and there was a rumor that I tried to commit suicide due to my rejection, which I was not initially made aware of. So I was told to not be suicidal.

    Now to answer your suggestions, I am a part of various clubs at my school and I am bad at making friends. I always hang out by myself alone and I don’t have anything to do other than study. And yes I have composed a couple of songs before on the piano but I never publicized them. I have only played it for my music teacher who recorded it on his music software but it was left incomplete. Due to the lack of software, I was left to make song remixes which I posted on Youtube. But now I do not have the time to work on songs now that I am in grade 10. I also listen to music when I study or I find free time. The music actually controls my emotions. If I listen to my favorite inspirational music, I would end up being very confident and energetic and do some of the stupidest but brave things such as creating the website for the Egyptian girl. Other times I would listen to my favorite sad music that makes me cry and reflects my mood of depression and loneliness.

    I also feel that you are right about the fact that people who do not communicate with me regularly is a waste of time and energy. But its not like there are others who actually have the guts to communicate with me regularly either. Not only that, the girl I like, is not the type you can take on dates. What I mean is that she would instantly say that she doesn’t like me if I asked her out. Asking her out on a date will be similar to confessing my love to her. Besides she would have said that she didn’t want to go on a date with me. She is always busy with school work or hanging out with her own friends. She is also part of the school play so she spends most of her time practicing. Anyway, I understand the point you are trying to make.

    Also, I realized that accepting my emotions have caused more problems than solutions. By accepting my love for the girl made our friendship awkward. But what is worse is that due to the emotion of love, I lost my only friend and now I am all alone and I am getting this weird feeling of negative energy which I’ve grown to like. But I am slowly dying due to this energy but I feel that it is better to be dead and peaceful than to be alive and suffering. And I know you think I am wrong. But I am devastated from the turn of events.

    Lastly, I know that this website is not made for medical or psychiatric treatment but I’ve read stories and I’ve noticed that the suggestions made by others are very useful.

    I apologize that my reply is so long.

    And thanks again Melinda.

    P.S. People actually tend to hate me more after telling them my story….

    #342498
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Ok, Anita. Thank you for the advice. I can try to change my ways but I do not think watching horror movies affect my personality that much since I barely watch any. And I always watch the movies alone in the night so no one really knows how I react at the gory scenes. And I tried seeking counseling but I could not find the solution that I wanted. That is why I tried to find the solution online. But Thank you.

    #342218
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    I laugh at gory deaths cause I think it’s funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident). You see, with this attitude I’m never going to make friends so I need help figuring out another way I could keep this personality hidden or change it so others are not creeped out and I need help to make friends. Like I said, my cooperation skills have flopped and I’m always alone when the class is doing pair or group work. I end up doing everything myself since no one wants to work with me. And everyday, I am finding it harder to understand emotions but I can understand numbers better than emotions!

    #341808
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice. I already do some of the ideas that you suggested. I used to have the motivation to go to school. Now I lost that motivation. For friends, I am not looking for someone who I can cry on their shoulder. I’m looking for someone who does not use me and appreciates who I am. These days people pretend to be friends with me just to get what they want and I end up back in square one at the end of the day. But I still help them even when I know that I’m being used. At least I know I am being kind to them. As for the teachers, they all know that I am always alone and they try to make friends for me but no one wants to be friends other than to use me. These days the word “friend” has no meaning. It is the action of generosity and support that proves that one is a true friend. But being alone has its perks as well; I am not easily distracted, I can finish my work on time, I do not have enemies to worry about since I do not talk much and etc. And I am a nonchalant person who wears a “mask” everywhere: I pretend to be happy so no one can see the pain that I really feel. Anyway, I have been doing those ideas that you suggested for many years now. I listen to music and I play the piano. I play tennis and walk around school cause I do not have anything else to do. And I spend most of my afternoon studying. I have a feeling that I lack friends because we do not share any common interests. I grew up on a farm in a village while all my friends grew up in cities and we do different things in our free time (they play video games while I read books). And I’ve grown to believe that fate and destiny have decided that I should stay alone.

    P.S. I got rejected by a girl yesterday. Lol.

    #341516
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Calling social services on my parents is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me. Sometimes you just have to suffer through it. I live in The Bahamas but I don’t think there is any point in finding government agencies that can help me since I am not willing to complain about my parents. Besides….. this might be wrong to think but… I like the “Dark Energy” that I get when I get insulted by others. And even if I called social services, there is no doubt I will regret it later.

    #341268
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    I would not be able to go to a doctor or a psychotherapist without letting my parents know. And they would become mad if they knew. The school counselor is unavailable any time soon since he also happened to be the coach of my school’s sports team and they are going on a national level competition this Friday. Besides, if I talked to a counselor, there is no doubt that they will tell my parents. There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me and they have not forgotten. That was a couple of years ago but ever since then, I never told anyone else about my problems so talking to a counselor or doctor is out of the question. But like I said, I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this “Dark Energy” which I happen to like the more I experience it. It gives this weird negative feeling to me and it is the cause of the chest pain I sometimes have. I met another person who felt the same way as me except for different reasons. She felt this chest pain too but she does not like it and we both write about our experience whenever we encounter this “Dark Energy” and it helps to soothe our pain. Also, If you read my other thread, you will know that I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger “Dark Energy”.

    #341228
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Thank you for answering back. My parents have told me that I was a burden to them and that I bring shame to the family. Like I told you, I am known to be good at bombs and I built a small one and blew it by accident before I was ready for releasing it. The result was that my arm had a couple of small shrapnel pierced through it. The event made me an embarrassment to my parents. They have called me things in my main language which I cannot translate.  Their insults made me so upset that sometimes I felt as if death was the only solution and they would only understand my value once I die. But for some reason, I kept forgiving and forgetting but I’ve grown to stay in solitude, away from society… And I spent so much time in solitude everywhere that I started to like being alone than being with others. In fact, my cooperation skills flopped.

    #340834
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    But the annoying thing is, I’m still lonely and I feel sad all the time. And I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. In fact, I’m getting more and more depressed each day. I’m starting to cry more than usual, especially at night. I’ve experienced moments when I suffered from so much pain that I cried until my tear ducts couldn’t give any more tears and until my tears turned into blood. But no one ever saw. And no one cared. And I am still suffering. Can you help me?

     

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)