Dear Tee,

“So sometimes she just complains about her stuff and you are her shoulder to cry on, but sometimes she steals private conversations from your phone and accuses you of your supposed “crimes” against her?” Yea precisely so, and turns out my guy friend backstabbed me by adding more lies to the fuel, and it is not the first time he has done it. The only person I had left to trust, went behind my back and told her things that made her believe that I was cheating on her. And when confronted, he told me that he didn’t lie. He said that he told her that I didn’t cheat, but she still managed to misunderstand enough to continue believing that I did cheat. She asked me not to tell anyone about her cheating, but I told my guy friend the truth about what she did, but I specifically told him not to tell her that I told him the truth. But instead, he went behind my back yesterday and went to tell her that I told him the full truth. It is amazing that you find enemies where you least expect it. The last person that I ever trusted. Now I really am all alone.

“So you are there to comfort her and have a nice word for her (i.e. be kind and supportive to her), but also to listen and agonize about her false accusations of you.” It is more complex than that, but that is essentially it.

“But also, I would be careful of whatever she tells you about her problems at work and her supposed difficulties, because she has a habit of lying. I wouldn’t trust anything she says.” Yes I have realized that, but it seems more like she twists the truth to satisfy her needs and she actively believes in the misunderstandings. By the way she twists the truth, someone could borrow her stapler without asking and she would label it as severe theft. Is she lying about someone taking her stapler? No. But the way she describes it makes it seem as if someone stole from her even if that was not their intention.

“Pancreatic cancer is the worst type, in the sense that it’s usually diagnosed when it’s already too late, and it takes the person away in a matter of months.” I think it was not developed enough to affect his lifestyle at the time. But I don’t remember the details about it.

“Even if it’s not a pancreatic cancer but another life threatening disease, you don’t travel across the world, specially not without your loved ones (she said the guy is married).” This spanish guy is an ass. He already had a woman he loved but instead of marrying her in their youth, he chose to “enjoy his youth” and only decided to get married recently when he got closer to his death. And he thinks that B should be consoled for the “trauma” that she had to go through in January, because he is blind to the severity of her damn lying and manipulation. That is the type of asshole he is (forgive my language). So I am not amazed that he came to enjoy some time in the Caribbean with his buddies instead of his wife.

” It can all be fabricated. Perhaps not all, but you cannot tell for sure.” I know that. That is why I told u that she could have been manipulating things from the very beginning. We don’t know. And I don’t want to accuse her of manipulation without good enough evidence of it, just in case she just happened to be telling the truth, even if the chances are very slim.

“Now your goal is to be strategic and get your laptop back, without engaging with her too much emotionally.” I have to engage with her emotionally because otherwise she would just block me. I can’t get my stuff back if there is no means of communication. And I can’t just go to her place and demand that she give me my stuff because a snake like her could scream and lie that I was attacking her or something, and as a woman, most people will believe her.

“Why doesn’t her employer provide her with a laptop?” The company she is working for is in the US, and she is not in the US and they don’t provide that kind of facility for her.

“A simple example: you were forced to sit with adults and listen to their discussions, when you wanted to go out and play, like every other kid.” Lol that is so accurate. And there is nothing I can do about it.

“How does this sound? Is it too much? How do you feel about starting to set boundaries with her?” I already established the boundaries tho, but I just keep falling for her guilt tripping and her attack on my sense of honor and morality. I have tried to be cold with her, but I cannot maintain it for long because someone like her will twist reality to satisfy her and it hurts my pride. I wish I stayed broken up when I found out about her cheating, at least I wouldn’t have given her my new laptop and etc. She still says what happened in January is not my business just cause we had broken up a day prior to it happening. I keep trying to explain to her that the moment we decided to get back together, what happened in January became my business. Even my tears have no value.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

Thank you for understanding Tee.

“Okay, so you are aware that she is like a snake, but you still have the urge to prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten – that you are a good person, right?” Yes that is precisely it. But I think I am doing it for myself too. Because the things she say makes me question myself and doubt my intentions when making decisions. Proving her wrong gives me some form of inner peace. I want to prove that my intentions were pure, even if some of my decisions were poorly made.

“So the dynamic is: one part of you (your inner child) believes he is a source of pain for others. And he is trying to prove that he isn’t. He is trying to prove that he is a good, loving boy, with pure intentions, and that he doesn’t want to hurt anybody.” Yes that is precisely what is happening. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But talking to B is reminding me of all the persons who looked down on me, the list is not limited to the stories that I have told you about my past cause other small incidents occurred that doesn’t have a major impact but it still ended the same way as everyone else. Even with the case with Anita, it was not my intention to hurt her, but in the end that is what I did and I am to be blamed for that.

“Does the snake listen, is she trying to understand? No, she bites you once again… and again… finding more and more “proofs” how bad and insincere you are.” She bit me again last night. Apparently she exported my entire chat with my guy friend while I was unaware (I don’t have the habit of deleting things because I’ve never had anything to hide, which she knew) and she had been reading through my several year long chat with him, making false assumptions about things that I said, and now she thinks I fell out of love way before I found out about the January incident and she believes I had been cheating on her with the girl that inspired me to make a song, and more false accusations. Unfortunately I have no evidence to prove her wrong and hearing her make these false accusations just keeps breaking me more and more. I have not slept one bit last night cause of the things she said. I have been crying all night, screaming in anger and frustration and agony, asking God what I did to deserve all of this. She just reminded me of how they all looked at me, my parents, my bullies, my classmates, the people I tried to make friends with. The more and more I realized that I was actually alone and the realization was breaking me cause I really had no one. Memories of them all saying the same thing, about me being useless, about me being a burden to them, about me being a problem they don’t want to deal with. Memories of everyone pushing me away, persons I saw as my own brothers and sisters at one point, ignoring me even when all I did was say hi, pushing me away, even to the point they even started blocking me. Even Anita got tired of me, that just goes to show that maybe I am the issue. I dont remember if I said this before but there is saying that in a classroom, if one student fails, then it is the student’s fault. But if everyone failed, then it is the teacher’s fault. So since everyone had the same reaction to me, maybe I am the problem?

“So what’s the way out? You need to tend to the wound of your inner child, properly. Which means: you need to stop interacting with the snake. Stop wanting any kind of validation from her. Get away from her. There is nothing she can give you except injuring you even more. Can you see that?” Yes I can see that, but unfortunately I am the type of guy who is always willing to help someone in need without expecting anything in return, no matter what kind of grudge I have against them. It is my form of revenge to be precise, trying to prove that they were all wrong about me. That is why I end up still responding to her when she asks me for help or when she comes to me for comfort, because despite everything she said, she knows that I am the only person who understands her the most.

“You need to give yourself empathy, rather than seek empathy from people who are unable to give it. How does this sound?” How do you even give yourself empathy? I will try to heal from all of this, but I think I need to change myself as a person overall.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“She doesn’t say “I lied to you”, but she makes it seem as if you both lied to each other. “ She is referring to my high school crush incident that I shared with you which unfortunately looks like I lied, from her perspective.

“She blames you for having expectations, and says that you had those expectations only because it was your first relationship.” Exactly, that is one of the things that pissed me off because she only had one job and that was to be a loyal respectful girlfriend and she couldn’t even achieve the basic rules of a relationship so it is definitely not about my expectations being too high.

“Because I know I am being held to a certain standard, I have always told you that I felt like you were pure, and I didn’t like that I had sex with you.” She is saying that she didn’t like that she was the one to take my virginity because she believed it meant I wouldn’t know anything about being a boyfriend and sex and etc.

“If you were “her man”, why was she secretly living with her ex?” I am not sure if you can say that she was secretly living with her ex. She did not hide the guy, she just hid the relationship between the guy and herself.

“Let’s see: she was hurt by your insensitive question (whether she was a gold-digger) and by your parents’ (alleged) racist comments, where they warned you that she would cheat on you and that she is a gold-digger, only because of her skin color? (is this true btw?).” Not true, but it is what she understood, no matter how many times I tried to explain myself, she was too emotional to take the time to calm down and listen to what I had to say. It is the same stereotype of the modern world that my parents had which I shared with you already. My dad even called today telling me about a teenage girl next door trying to seduce a guy to sleep with her before her mom came home 🤦‍♂️. I tried to explain to B that what my parents said was not specifically about her because they don’t even know her, it was just their general opinion/warnings based on the experiences they have had. My method of informing her was flawed, which is why she easily misunderstood my intentions.

“She felt they labelled her unjustly. She presumably felt alone and abandoned by everyone, and then…. she decided to deal with it on her own? So her way of dealing with an offer for prostitution is to accept it?” Essentially, yes. But I think by dealing with it on her own, she is referring to just breaking up and staying away from me, but her aunt took advantage of her mental and emotional state and she did nothing to stop her.

“But you see that she IS trying to justify her actions and blame you in process, don’t you?” Yes I do see it. But it is extremely difficult for me to knock some sense into her, as she does not have the patience to listen and arguing with her is a waste of my energy.

“No, she is manipulating you because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions, even if she claims she does. She is still blaming you, while claiming she is not. Pretty insidious!” I am perfectly aware of that, but for some reason it still feels like I played a role in the way things are now and that guilt is hurting me.

I don’t think the financial aspect is still valid since she has a stable job right now that pays better than her previous jobs. She is not in need of money as of right now, so does that mean she still wanted my validation?

Why does it seem like she is not even aware though? Like even in the long message she sent, she appears to not even be aware that she is the one acting like a victim and blaming me. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain but I don’t see any other option but to leave.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

This is what she said:

I have dated you for almost 2 years.
We started on rocky grounds, and I am fully aware of that. The fights and lies were a lot to deal with for both of us. We both had things about us that, if worked on at the time, would have put us in a better place right now.
I know for a fact that some of the things I did were unacceptable, and I never should’ve done them. I never should have lied to you about Trevor being the one who was taking out my braids, and I never should’ve kept what happened in January from you.
You had a right to know both pieces of information. And I am sorry I didn’t tell you. I know that we have had many mini-fights that could have been avoided if we really knew what we were doing and how to do it correctly.
Though we have talked about this before and we have some clarity on the matter, I will still make mention of it.
When we just started dating, everything felt new. You fell in love with me immediately, but I have loved you over time. I took the time to learn about you and love you as I went. I never had a fairytale belief in love; I knew that love would hurt and disappoint, so I never expected anything from you other than respect and faithfulness, and I believe that this is what contributed to my overlooking many small, hurtful things you did. Because I gave up on the idea of “my ideal love/fairytale love,” there is no perfect person, but there is someone perfect for everyone. But because I was your first relationship, you had expectations, and when those weren’t met, I was crucified but made excuses for it at the same time.
Do not misunderstand; dealing with someone who has never been in an actual relationship before is a beautiful experience, but the emotional pressure you are put under is a lot. Because I know I am being held to a certain standard, I have always told you that I felt like you were pure, and I didn’t like that I had sex with you. I felt terrible because I knew that I had so many things to deal with that I could never tell you. Though I was your girlfriend, it felt like I was your protector, like I was supposed to deal with whatever was thrown at me by myself but show up for you in the best way possible as well, and that’s why I didn’t explain the January situation to you as it happened. It was 2.5 months into the relationship, and I never felt safe enough to tell you because I felt like I needed to be the one who was there for you. I didn’t feel protected by you, Godwin. You think I didn’t wish I could just run to you and lay everything at your feet? You think I didn’t want to just tell you everything and know that I was safe and secure? You don’t think I would love the feeling of me feeling like I don’t have to worry because my man got me?
Godwin, you had broken up with me while I was going through the inhumane things I was experiencing, and then the things your parents said about me that had you upset and coming to me, which then turned into a fight later, made me feel like I really needed to handle things on my own.
I did not feel safe telling you any of that. How can I go to you and tell you that after what your parents said? Your parents labeled me as a gold digger, a girl trying to secure her future by dating you; they said I was taking advantage of you; I would cheat on you, etc., all because I am black and from the west. I know you are going to say it’s because we don’t have the same race, morals, etc. Same difference.
I had already never felt safe. I love you, and I felt like over time we would reach that level of security in our relationship, but I was not feeling it, and with the fight and what your parents said added on top of it, I decided to deal with it on my own.
I do not blame you or anyone else for anything. I was a grown 21-year-old who was dumb in my ways. I take responsibility for my actions.
I never intended on taking you back. I knew I loved you, but I planned to love you from afar. My aunt had suggested that I let you be with an Indian since your family wants you to be with one. She told me to leave you alone. My cousins told me to leave you alone, and my friends told me to let you go date an Indian.
But I didn’t leave you alone; I spoke to you after, like, nothing happened. I was wrong for that. But it felt like you were the only good thing in my life at the time, and I just couldn’t let you go either, so we talked about the breakup and got back together.
A few months passed, and we had mini-fights throughout, and you called me a bitch, etc.—a whole lot of name-calling. We addressed those and talked about them.
Then one day, you were over here. We slept that night, and the morning we were laying in bed together, and I asked you what your type of woman was. You looked at me and said, Lightskin, straight, long hair, slim. Godwin,I am a black, afro-haired, slim woman. I was so broken. I could not believe it. I cried so much after you left. It scarred me. I started looking at everything differently, but we had many conversations regarding it, and you kept getting annoyed each time I brought it back up. You keep saying you explained it the last time, and it was just what your parents made you believe, but you should keep bringing it up. And you disliked me for that. You couldn’t understand that I was truly hurting from it. You just saw me as annoying.
And each time I mentioned it, we fought because you didn’t want to hear it because you felt like you explained it and solved the issue. But that’s not how healing works. Just because I brought up something you did in the past doesn’t mean I misunderstood your original explanation of it or that I need you to repeat it again. Sometimes I just want you to listen keenly to how it made me feel and not tell me how I should feel since you explain it.
Sigh Godwin I have always loved you, and I always will. You were a good man with some bad ways, and that’s fine.
You lied to me about Prayanka, and you deleted the messages, but I had already seen them. But you were unaware, and you lied to me straight up about it. I was asking you about it for days, and you would look at me and lie. Then, when I told you, I read the conversation with you and her before you deleted it. You confessed that it happened and that you were sorry, and then you left me.
You left me to find the truth. And I went back to you. I literally begged you to stay with me. Godwin, you packed up everything and were walking out the door. I wrestled with you to stay over something you did to me. And Pryanka is what you described as your type; she matches your own definition.
You never posted about me. You never comment under my posts, but as we broke up, you went under a light-skinned married woman post and commented thirsty stuff. You don’t tell me I’m beautiful, but you will let a stranger on the internet know that. You don’t make me feel wanted. And you get so upset when I wear a bikini to the pool. To a private pool. And I posted the photo on my story. You may have been my boyfriend, but there were certain areas of me that needed you, and you ignored those. Do not misunderstand; I am not saying I posted my photos on my status because I wanted attention. I felt like I was cute, so I posted them. And at that time, you left me again.

Back to what I was saying, we were together in bed another night, and I found out that you messaged other people on the app that I knew about. When I went through the messages, you were texting multiple women who were not even responding to you. Then you tell me they are like “sisters” to you. As I was scrolling, you started shouting, telling me to stop, but I looked at everything. Then I turned to you, and I started crying, because that was all I could do. Then I said, I thought you said you weren’t in a relationship before and you’ve never gotten nudes, and you said, “I forgot about those.”
I cried again and again, and you decided to leave me, AGIAN!!! over something you did that I found out. Lol. And you know what I did? I stood like a woman with no self-worth and begged you not to leave. I told you it was okay, and I tried to tell myself all sorts of lies to have you around. I had lost all forms of self-respect.
I cried so much and begged you to stay. Then you did. A few months later, I suggested we go on a picnic since it would be cute, a lot of people wouldn’t be around, and it would just be nice to spend time with you. You started an argument, then told me we are incompatible and we probably shouldn’t be together. Lol.
I am crying as I write this because I cannot believe I went through this much. Anyway, I had a conversation with you again, and I found myself apologizing to you for wanting to go on a date with you. Lol. Sigh, oh Lord. And I accepted it. I took the blame for asking. Your reason was that I am an extrovert and you don’t like people, etc., and being in the open makes you anxious, etc. So I said okay. And I left it alone.
The last time we had a fight, I asked you for 15 minutes to do me a favor, and you said you were busy, so I stated I would wait, and then you got upset, then I started saying you preferred your game over mine, then you left me and told me I crossed the line right there.
I told you about January a year later because I felt like we were at a place where I could tell you what I went through and we could’ve handled it together. But you turned the entire thing around. And you got offended. You you I cheated on you; I never did. We were not together, and I hope you are not out here telling anyone I cheated on you because I never did.
Godwin This message is not to start a fight with you or to blame you for anything. I know how you are; you will pick things from what I say to come and argue with me about, and I really don’t have the nerve for it.
Before I met you, I was happy and glowing. While I was dating you, I became unrecognizable. I was sad; I was always trying to please you, wear what you wanted me to wear, say what you wanted me to say, and do what was pleasing in your eyes. I don’t know how I got to that point.
Now you tell me every chance you get that you hate me with a passion. That I am stupid and annoying, etc., etc., I go on and on about the thing I went through and all.
But I have said enough.
I have no problem with you at all as a person. You had your good ways, and so did I, and we both had our bad ways.
Maybe we were bad for each other, but like I said, we are probably good for someone else.
Never date a woman outside your race again if you actually care about her mental health.
I saw you showing interest in an Indian that ignored you, but you will find your person when the time is right. Don’t force it.
I leave you in peace. I have no ill feelings toward you, and I will focus on bettering myself and loving myself more.
Have a good life. Bye bye.
I want you to read all of this and tell me your take on what she said, cause I want to read your understanding of this before I explain everything. It doesn’t look like this thread is going to end any time soon.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

Yes Tee, I understand, there is nothing wrong about your harshness. I was just afraid to face reality.

I don’t exactly understand what you are trying to say about the man in the photo issue. I don’t see where you could have assumed that she slept with the ex. I will reclarify everything from that event:

After a week of dating, on a Friday, B told me that she still had feelings for ex and was having trouble deciding between me and her ex. She asked me what I would do so I told her that I would not date either person because it would be better to not date at all than have a relationship with someone while still holding feelings for the other. She agreed and we broke up, but we got back together cause she said she “chose me”. Several weeks later, I found a picture/video on her snap with her in a towel with a man removing her braids. I didn’t say anything at first but when I saw that she deleted the video, I confronted her and she said it was one of her exes, the one who she still had feelings for. She did not imply anything about sleeping with the man. I am the one saying that she COULD HAVE slept with him, and she could just be lying to me by not giving the details of what happened on that day, cause she was naked with only a towel wrapped around her. Everyone has hormones and if she was sexually stimulated enough by her ex, she COULD HAVE slept with him. Due to that fear of being lied to, I broke up with her, but took her back the next day.

Couple more weeks later, I had the fight with her housemate, and I found out that he is one of her exes. His face looked familiar, so I asked B whether this guy was the same ex who was removing her braids. She told me it was not him. Every few weeks, I would ask her again if her housemate was the ex that she took the towel video in, and she would keep denying it, but his face was too familiar for me to just let go. Then this year January came and she confessed what happened last year January. And this prompted me to ask her again, whether the man in her video, was actually the ex that was living with her. She finally told the truth and admitted it was him.

Then recently, I asked her what happened on that day and she told me that her female housemate was removing her braids but had to do something, and so the female housemate asked her brother (B’s ex) to finish removing the braids for her, and that is when she took the video. So her explanation from the time I found the video had no implication that she slept with the guy. So both stories align, so there is no evidence that she lied.

I don’t remember recalling events more favorable to her. I am considering all the factors that are playing in the situation.

My stupid self was too much in love to see reality then. I wish I could have gone back to the video and rewatched it before she deleted it.

We do have a counselor here but that is the last thing I want right now. The only place where I get to rant is here. Besides, I have priorities. I find comfort in making music now as it is what I wanted to do more than med, and I find that good enough for now.

I can’t even confide in the close friend of mine because everyone is human, I can’t just rant to him like that. He most likely wouldn’t want to support me in that manner. That is why I said I have no friends. He is literally all I got and I am pretty sure he is tired of my drama cause I tell him most of the time whenever B and I break up only to get back together.

I am just disappointed that everyone was right about her. I believed she would be the exception to the stereotype everyone (not my parents) kept describing.

I will probably come back here several months or years from now, ranting about why I am still single 😂😂. I hope to talk to you again. If you have more things to say, might as well finish it off in this thread because you never know when we might talk again. Thank you for all the advice and support you have given me.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“So if someone slaps you in the face, but then says “I thought it wasn’t important not to slap you in the face”, and then apologizes, and then keeps slapping you in the face, and apologizing… what would you think of this person?” I did not forgive her for the mistakes she constantly repeated, I forgave her for the mistakes that were different each time. But still I thought some people just deserved more chances to change. Me being blinded by love and hope convinced myself that she would change so I kept forgiving her.

“She has been slapping you in the face all this time, pretending she is oblivious, she “wasn’t thinking”, she “forgot”, she “didn’t think it was important”…. when in reality, she has been lying to you, manipulating you and making a fool of you.” They were not all slaps, they were different types of hits, like an elbow to the face when she opens the door or something, and the next time she kicks me in the shin while walking. By considering all the circumstances of her mistakes, I ended up being stupid enough to forgive her and give more chances.

“And your belief (which you adopted from your parents) that women tend to “do stupid things” actually came as a boomerang: because you believed she too is innocent and stupid, rather than manipulative and calculating.” I still see that you did not read what I said about my parents. This belief you stated did not come from my parents but from social media and real life experiences I’ve witnessed. Maybe it was false where u live, but this kind of behavior is quite common here. A belief/stereotype do not form with the influence of one or two persons, but a lot more people.

I’ve realized my mistake. Making excuses won’t change it. But why me? She had men who had a lot more money, persons who even wanted to marry her and offered her thousands of dollars. So why me? Is it cause I was so easy to manipulate? Why is it such a coincidence that she finally got a stable job around the same time that we broke up? I feel like God gave me this experience to teach me to be careful what I should wish for.

The break up in Christmas 2022 IS the breakup when the cheating happened. It just extended into January 2023 because my bday is Jan 5, which is why every bday will be misery for me. Yes you got the chronology of the events right, but we reconciled while we were in the country, I took her on a movie date for my birthday and a week later we returned to college. She didn’t seem like she was affected by what happened, but I assumed that she was acting to hide her pain. But the acting was a little too good.

“Oh and by the way, if you were only broken up for a week, but she kept messaging with the guy for a while afterwards, and even developing feelings for him – then this would be cheating on her part, wouldn’t it? If we want to be super “technical”.” Yes it would be cheating, but the issue is I don’t know the exact dates of her “cheating” and she said she doesn’t remember and since it has been more than a year, even my memory is not that accurate.

“So if you break up every second week, and she goes to sleep with another man each time you break up, it would be none of your business either? And she would be called loyal and faithful?” By her logic, yes. But I am not falling for it anymore.

I am just disappointed that I am so used. I feel hollow. Broken. I just found out that she already started flirting with a guy who she knew in high school and he expressed that he has some feelings for her already. And she told him that she is healing from a relationship that ended FEW months ago. The more I talk to you, the more aware I become, the more broken I get. Now everything feels fake. What if every moment we had was manipulated? What if all the happy moments I had were fake? What if I was being used the entire time? The realization is breaking me. I want to cry. I want to release my pain but I have exams and other things to worry about. In a week, I will be traveling to my parents’ place again and I cannot show them my grief cause they will ask questions. My heart feels so empty, yet I still feel so much pain. I do not miss her nor do I want her back, but I am just disappointed that I was being manipulated and used the entire time. I am broken by what I got in return for all the love that I gave her. I wish I had all the answers to my questions. To clear all the doubt from my heart. Wishing I could go back in time and stop myself from being stupid. But it is a learning experience. But what now? I have no one. Not my parents. Not my friends. I am just all alone. Like I was, once before. My suffering is all for me to bear.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

In the first week of the relationship after we officially started dating, the red flags involved her dry texting that made me very upset cause I looked forward to texting her everyday and she also initiated multiple break ups in that one week due to reasons such as still having feelings for her ex and my age and other people’s opinion about us dating (her ex’s opinion tbh) etc. But she kept coming back apologizing the next day but that was also the period when she spent time with her ex half naked in the towel, which led to another break up later on. I should have paid attention to those red flags and left but I was blinded by love.

Yea the “pretend husband” had me hooked cause no real life girl showed interest in me so the feeling of being “wanted” by someone blinded.

“BTW have you explained to her why your parents might not approve of her? Have you clarified early on what the consequences of dating you are, so that she knows what you expect of her?” Yes I told her why my parents would not approve of her and the consequence of us dating would be that I would have to choose my parents over her when it is time for marriage if my parents reject her and she would have to endure the pain of me leaving her, and she agreed to that. But later on she admitted that she was not thinking straight when she agreed and she didn’t realize the toll it would take on her.

Even though I initially fell in love with the “idea” of her, I made sure to learn everything about her, including her past, before I chose to go along with the relationship. The issue is that I was blinded by the love, which prevented me from evaluating her past properly and not realizing what type of person she really was. I don’t know if I said this already but she broke up with her first boyfriend just cause she couldn’t buy him a birthday present, even though he took care of her well. But I had ignored it because it happened when she was in high school.

“In reality, you knew very little about her: she was obviously very beautiful and sexy, she was willing to cook for you (which you find very important in a woman), and she told you that she agreed with the rules of the game (i.e. how a good girlfriend and a good future wife should behave). You thought: bingo!” That is only some of the reasons why I thought she was perfect. She took care of me like a mother would, supporting my studying, helping me deal with the dandrives in my hair (which I didn’t like her doing because I didn’t want to ruin her hands but she was willing to do it, which I thought was amazing since most girls would feel disgusted to help) and she provided me with emotional comfort after dealing with my parents and life and she keeps offering to clean my room (which is something I admired about her but I never let her clean the room because it just felt wrong for me to let her do it as it is my responsibility). She did not seem to be a gold digger or anything as she always offered to help out in paying for things that involved both of us like dates and etc. She even bought me a matching date outfit for us, that I never even got to wear cause of our break up. Now I don’t even know what to do with it because it is not an outfit that you can wear casually and I don’t think it will be respectful if I wear it for a date with another girl in the future. My love language is touch and so I found it very comfortable when hugging/cuddling her especially after she showered which made her body feel cold while my body is warm and the temperature difference also made it more comfortable. I loved the childish way she behaved because it was the good type of annoying and I loved watching her sleep peacefully, making me wish I could spend the rest of my life with her. Overall, I just felt happy and at peace with her despite the annoying arguments we had. The list goes on but they convinced me that she was the right person cause I no longer felt alone and abandoned like I usually felt and being with her got me out of the depressive phase I was going through. Obviously I was blind and naive to reality.

She already agreed that she would not wear the less revealing outfits, and barely did it too but she tends to have the habit of forgetting things too easily, and my constant forgiveness also played a factor as it indicated that it is okay to go against my wishes even if she agreed. Besides, she has a habit of considering things to be not as important as they actually are, which means she thought it was okay to have  a casual hug with men; she thought all she had to do was not partake in one of those more intimate hugs. And I didn’t mind since the casual hugs are quite rare, but she crossed the line when she went to the resort last month and did the things I told her not to do. She accepted the basic rules of a relationship, but she played along the gray line of the rules where there could take advantage of bending the rules. She still says that what she did in January is not cheating because we had broken up in that one week and that it is none of my business because we were not dating, which goes back to the title of this entire thread. She is taking advantage of the technicality and saying that she didn’t cheat and I don’t know how to argue with the technicality.

I know that every man would not be bothered by his gf/wife wearing revealing outfits, but even then they have some rules like they can only wear those things when they are around so that they can protect their gf/wife from the disgusting men that exist today or some other rule for wearing revealing outfits. I promise you that most men will feel at least 1% uncomfortable knowing that other men are feasting their eyes on the gf/wife’s body when they wear revealing outfits.

My gf might have lied to me and slept with another man, but I didn’t know all of that until a year already passed. So for most of the relationship, she never showed me her bad side. I was under the impression that she never lied and she never slept with another man. I just found out this year January that she slept with another man LAST YEAR January. This year January is when the relationship took a turn and everything started to get worse. That is when my imagination broke. But like I said, she uses the technicality that we had broken up during that one week to claim that she didn’t cheat on me.

“You say she is working, and yet you are giving her a lot of money. I wonder why is that (if you don’t mind sharing)?” She has been constantly switching jobs due to various reasons ever since her manager fired her last year January. The jobs barely pay enough for a person to survive with and her employers all take advantage of her by overworking her while providing poor salary so she ends up quitting the job and I have to pay for her expenses until she gets her next job and she also does trading so we had both agreed to bring in some money to invest in trading, but every time we did, something bad happened like she got severally sick or she had to get her tooth removed or something and we lost a lot of money in trading too. She just got a stable job now so she doesn’t need my money anymore but she still asked for me to come in half way for a trading investment, which I gave her before the break up. But now that we broke up, I want that investment money to be returned but she had to use it for her hospital visit and so she is waiting for her paycheck to pay me back. I don’t see any manipulation/gold digging though because I saw the struggle myself so I know she was not taking advantage of me in that regard. But like I said earlier, if she is actually manipulating me, then she deserves an award for her acting skills cause I am very much convinced of her struggle.

We have already established that I should leave her, and I have left her already. Now I want clarification on the main question of this entire thread: Is it still considered cheating if she only slept with the man AFTER we broke up? Even though preparations were made WITHOUT her knowledge?

Paradoxy

Dear Anita,

You got offended by the facts that I stated? Or you got offended by the way I stated those facts?

Don’t you think it is disrespectful for you to say that I am a verbal abuser with uncontrolled anger and that the only reason why I do not call my responders names here is cause of some website regulations instead of my actual personality and my patience?

Don’t you think it is disrespectful for you to be here accusing me of loving to argue and fight when all I did was clarify some facts that you got wrong so that you can formulate your advice better?

Don’t you think it is disrespectful for you to call me a verbal abuser when I AM THE ONE who came here ADMITTING that I have used disrespectful terms sometimes when I was really really tired of her bs and I admitted that I know that what I said was wrong and that I regret it and that I have been working on fixing it by considerably reducing it? I even told you that this “verbal abuse” of mine is not even that common. Yes I have used disrespectful terms against B but those cases are like once in every 4 months or something despite the number of fights we had. My so-called “verbal abuse” does not happen often enough for me to be considered an abuser. Fine, even if we say that verbal abuse is still verbal abuse, you have to accept that everyone has a limit to their patience, EVEN YOU have a limit to your patience, as proven by how you are behaving RIGHT NOW but I cannot call you hot-tempered for that, cause that would be stupid and unfair. I extremely regret the things I said to B, but please, please, PLEASE, I beg you to understand how extreme the situation became before I ran out of patience and entered the verbal abuse phase.

Don’t you think it is disrespectful for you to be here giving advice and coming to conclusions by INTENTIONALLY ignoring the things that are said and refusing to allow some facts to be corrected when IT IS MY LIFE that I am describing? A very good example would be when you ignore me when I REPEATED COUNTLESS TIMES that I entered the verbal abusive phase AFTER HOURS/DAYS/WEEKS OF NONSTOP ARGUING. Obviously, just like it is PROVEN by this thread, when you are arguing for over a month about the same issue, you will eventually run out of patience. But do you see me being disrespectful to my responders? Even in your case, all I stated were facts, such as that Tee’s advice was BETTER than yours because she understands the situation BETTER than you. Where is the disrespect in that? Don’t you think I get tired every time you misinterpret something that I said? I asked you to UNDERSTAND the anger that I felt when B was behaving the way she did. But it looks like even if you didn’t understand my anger then, you are now experiencing that same sadness and anger I felt when dealing with her, as shown by you stating “reading the above makes me feel anxious, sad and angry, the many hours of my efforts to help you ending with your efforts to hurt me.” Just like how you are feeling anxious, sad and angry after spending hours trying to “help” me, I felt THE EXACT SAME EMOTIONS when I had to argue with B for prolonged periods of time. See NOW, you are able to understand what lead me to become “verbally abusive” in that moment, even though I regret doing so.

Don’t you think it is also disrespectful you to judge me based on how I felt FOUR YEARS AGO, despite the fact that I told you that I GREW OUT OF THAT PHASE? It is only coming back NOW as a result of the pain caused by the break up.

I can list more things that I said which YOU INTENTIONALLY IGNORED but you keep bringing it back like I didn’t already just explain it to you.

Don’t you think it is disrespectful for you to assume that I am not taking responsibility for my mistake just cause I asked you to clarify what you are trying to say about my so-called “verbal abuse”?  I quote myself saying “So basically, you are saying that I am indeed verbally abusive. But I want to understand, is it still verbally abusive if the things that are said are actually true?” That was a QUESTION, which shows that I GENUINELY WANTED TO UNDERSTAND what you were trying to say. And you responded by saying “You didn’t yet take responsibility for verbally abusing her, you’ve spoken from both sides of your mouth in this regard: saying that you were abusive and then saying that if she is a brick wall, then calling her a brick wall is not abusive.” It is very obvious here that you clearly misunderstood what I said. You assumed that I was making a CLAIM that calling her a brick wall is not abusive, when all I did was ask you a QUESTION.

Please, Anita or anyone, please tell me if I am the one misunderstanding here. I am more than willing to learn from my mistakes as all I have is respect for you Anita. Even to the point where I kept apologizing to you Anita for sounding like a “brat”. I do appreciate your help, all I am saying is that Tee’s help was more beneficial for me because she was able to understand the situation better than you and she was able to point out things that I had not thought of. I don’t mind receiving a motherly hug from you, but how can you expect me to receive a sympathetic hug from someone who doesn’t even sympathize with what I am going through? I hope you realize that I meant no disrespect. I know you do not want to keep talking to me, but I will still look forward to your response Anita as I see you as a caring individual with more wisdom than me, but just like how I respect you, I want you to respect me too and not misinterpret the things that I have said.

Paradoxy