Dear Tee,

Yea you are right that I should not be dating someone who behaves like she is 5, I just believed that she is only behaving like a 5 year old because no one guided her properly and so I thought I could guide her to behave like a grown woman, but I guess I was wrong.

“But you should know that when two people get married, they vow to be there for each other in sickness and in health.” Yes that is what we are SUPPOSED to do, but I have not found a single unmarried woman yet who takes that vow seriously. The woman here believes that they will only behave like a wife when they become a wife but they expect men to behave like husbands when they are not even husbands yet. I do admit that men here are horrible too but so are the women. I have not found any female who takes the marriage vow seriously other than B, so far. But maybe I will. My naiveness is probably making me blind since B is my first gf. Most of the women here want men to treat them like queens but they don’t give anything else in return except maybe sex but I am not interested in sex.

“You said she has finally taken full responsibility for her actions – what exactly did she say?” She said that she will deal with the consequences of her actions, and she has stopped blaming me, but maybe she is still blaming me in her mind and she just chose not to say it directly to me. Maybe she still believes that all of this is my fault but she is not expressing it, so I won’t know. But despite agreeing to the terms, she does occasionally text me saying that she misses me and everything but she stops when I tell her to stop.

“But you keep trying to make her understand.” I just held out on hope. Finding excuses to convince myself that she would change. But some people cannot change until something really really bad happens. Maybe she didn’t have the motivation to change her ways in the past cause the arguments prior to January were not as complicated as it is now. But now that she knows that I am serious about the break up, maybe she will change.

“She too seems incapable of understanding.” No she seems to be capable of understanding, she just chooses to ignore the understanding. Like she knows exactly what I am trying to say but her emotions cause her to overthink unnecessarily and misunderstand things too easily. My father is INCAPABLE of understanding. Like it is very obvious that I am wasting my time trying to explain things to him, but to B, she will eventually understand things but it just takes a while for her brain to register.

“How are these other girls worse than B? Because I have a hard time imagining bigger disrespect than cheating on you and then blaming you for it.” I have told you a few stories already about some women here. But I can give you more stories. There is a girl here who is dating three men at the same time, and none of them know each other. Each man treats her well but as soon as one man leaves for work or something, she has the next man come over. And another thing is that she ensures that she does no service other than sex for the main bf. So far as to make sure that she cooked something for herself and ate it right before her bf came over. She has her man literally starving whenever he comes over or he brings food for her himself.

The men here are no better either but I noticed that it is actually a cycle. Either a man or woman gets cheated on, and then they proceed to become a cheater in their next relationship and then whoever they cheated on becomes the next cheater and the cycle continues.

There was another girl, who was dating a rich chinese dude. Whenever he invited her to dinner or something, she would bring her real man claiming that he was just a friend or she would have him buy gifts for her, which she either kept for herself or gave to her real man. Eventually the chinese guy figured it out and he left but still, the audacity of the girl to cheat RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM is crazy.

“But you concluded – incorrectly – that none of those girls were interested in you” Tee, my first online relationship ended cause of my parents, but when we got back together for a few weeks, she told me she didn’t want to date at all, only for me to find her dating another guy. Then she proceeded to ghost me after finding out the guy was interested in another girl. Even if the first break up was my parents’ fault, she still chose to dump me after we had gotten back together, so doesn’t that mean she was no longer interested in me?

My second online girlfriend dumped me, went on a date with another guy, then got back together with me. Doesn’t that prove that she was not really interested in me but was actually using/manipulating me?

My third online girlfriend was fine, but she also ghosted me cause of her parents without informing me of her circumstances first. She could have at least ended it properly so I don’t go waiting for her in vain. Fine, let us assume that her parents completely prevented her from coming in contact with me, but if she really cared, she would have found some kind of way to give me one last goodbye message, like through school computer or through her friends or something. FINE, let us assume she could not do any of that either. I SEARCHED FOR HER EVERYWHERE UNTIL I FINALLY FOUND HER. She could have informed me about her circumstances WHEN I CAME BACK FOR HER! All she said was that her parents forced her to stop contacting me and we proceeded with our relationship but if the circumstances were actually that bad she could have told me that our relationship would not work or at least tell me whether I should wait for her if her parents get involved again. She did none of that, she left me abandoned on my own birthday.

So tell me, were these girls actually interested in me? Am I incorrectly assuming here? Only the third online gf can be given SOME benefit of doubt even if the evidence is against her. But do you actually think they wanted me? I have girls in my own class telling other people that I am useless and does nothing despite all the work that I have done. Even the female “friends” that I talk to have shown that the only reason why they talk to me is cause of my guy friend who is the common friend between us. They don’t even want to get to know me. Not that I am interested in them but they don’t even want to know who I am. THEY EVEN GET MY NAME WRONG COUNTLESS TIMES DESPITE ME CORRECTING THEM BRUH.

Maybe I am in fact the issue. Cause there is a saying that in a class, if one student fails, then it is the student’s fault for failing, but if EVERYONE fails, then it’s the teacher’s fault for not teaching properly. In the same way, if everyone thinks that I am not worth their time, maybe I am in fact not worth their time. Maybe it is my attitude too, maybe it is my stubbornness, maybe it is the fact that I am the dumbest in my class. I’ve been insulted and treated like trash so many times that I am now too afraid to even talk to people so I reserve myself and do not talk more than necessary. I have made a fool of myself in front of people so many times that I am pretty sure they all see me as some insignificant idiot.

So based on all this, I don’t think there is any normal, decent girl who will be willing to give me a chance.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“This idea that she was a puppet of her aunt’s is a false one” I still think there was a degree of manipulation though because she continued to date Al cause there was no negative emotion or anything making her vulnerable at the time, but in my case, the heartbreak made her vulnerable to the manipulation. I think B still made her own decision but it was heavily influenced by her aunt. You cannot compare Al’s situation with this one because Al’s situation happened in the country where most of her family is and there was always someone who will care for her (her dad at least) but in the incident in January, B was in a whole different country where the only family available to her was her aunt, who had the responsibility of getting her plane tickets and providing her a home and food etc. So knowing that there was no one else to turn to other than her aunt would probably be a factor in her decision to obey her aunt. Besides, she also told me that she did not want to tell her dad or anyone else because she felt embarrassed by what was happening because she had been telling people that the money came from the aunt but later she found out the money came from a man who wanted to sleep with her. Her pride got in the way of her decision making. But yes, I have told her that she had the power to say no to her aunt cause her aunt wouldn’t be able to force her into doing anything so in the end it was her own decision to go with the man but the Aunt set up the whole ordeal and influenced her decision making. And she said that she started to like the guy because he did not discriminate her like my parents and I did (which was a misunderstanding that I corrected after like a 100 arguments).

“You should certainly not date a 5-year old…” Yea, I was naive enough to believe that if I loved her enough, I could teach her to act like a mature woman.

 “She gets the attention, but she also returns the attention” She didn’t go to the guy and start sexting him. The guy came to her to sext and she just entertained the things he said. The concert and her plan to visit her guy friend were always planned cause she had already informed me about being invited by her girlfriends to go the concert and the guy friend was visiting from Spain after several years and it was the first time in a while he came to visit. I had no problem with her going to these places, the real problem was how she would behave at these places. And she proved me fears to be correct. Based on the videos she recorded, it doesn’t seem like she was actively trying to make herself visible, and in the case of her hugging the guy and wearing the bikini, I see pure stupidity cause the pictures she took indicate that she is oblivious to the fact that the guy friend’s friend has his arm around her back ending near the breast region while the bikini incident occurred at around 6 am where she assumed everyone would be asleep, but obviously not cause her guy friend was awake. I also noticed that the outfit that she chose to wear are extremely short, cut jeans while everyone else including the females were wearing long, more modest clothing. I pointed out all of these things and she acknowledged that she was not thinking when she did all of this and apologized for it but idk if I should even consider her apology. The way that she behaves just shows how stupid and oblivious she is. She doesn’t even appear to be intentionally doing it, she is just operating on literally three brain cells, so it is hard to assume that she is craving the attention, she is just an extrovert that likes to party and enjoy life etc.

Going to the concert and going to the resort were pre-planned things but she had told me that she did not feel like going but our fight as well as pressure from her friends probably convinced her to go to clear her mind from the fighting we were having. She definitely did not tell me the details of her plans though because I was only told that she was going to the concert and visit the friend, which I was fine with but she did not tell me about the things she were going to do at the resort (maybe she was not aware of what her friend’s plans were but idk).

“If it were for herself, she wouldn’t have put it on social media.” That is exactly what I told her but she said that her status were only available for her girlfriends and me (but she accidentally made it available for my guy friend as well) and she took down the pictures after I told her.

“She is trying to make a fool of you, Paradoxy.” Tee, if she is trying to fool me, she definitely deserves an oscar award cause that is how perfect her innocent acting is. The fact that she brought her bikini with her proves that she already had planned that she would be going to the beach and etc but the recordings she have shows how oblivious she is to everything around her. If that obliviousness is actually fake, then that girl deserves an oscar for her performance cause that is how convincing it is.

“Please look up the term “the abuse cycle”: it is when the abuser is trying to convince their victim to stay in the relationship, by promising they would change and claiming they didn’t mean what they said, and that they are sorry” Doesn’t that make me an abuser too? Because I have called her names in anger and apologized to her later, only to repeat it the next time she pissed me off. The only difference is that I did not just call her random insults (except recently with the use of the term bitch, whore (which I already explained), garbage, trash etc), I made sure to use terms that literally described how she was behaving, such as brick wall, stupid, dumb, fool etc.

“The victim agrees and the relationship gets better for a short while, but then the abuse starts again. The abuser never really changes. All those are empty promises.” Should I take her back just to see if this is true? If she does the same thing again, at least we know that her promises are in fact empty. Sounds stupid but just asking.

“You have been trying to explain to her why her behavior is hurting you, why it is wrong, but she doesn’t even want to hear it.” She refuses to listen because she is blinded by her emotions. It is like how anger can blind certain people and prevent them from seeing things from a different perspective. Besides, she does apologize for her behavior, only to repeat the same thing again the next day. She told me she did that because she only thought of certain things to say after taking some time to think about what was said in the argument. So she is saying that in the moment, she understood what I was saying, but then when she had time to actually process what was said, she came up with thoughts that countered the things I said, which therefore restarted the argument.

“She only admits that she did the deed (e.g. sleep with someone for money). But she is blaming you for it.” Fair point. But isn’t admitting the mistake similar to taking responsibility for the mistake?

“So she actually asked you to lie. And you didn’t oblige.” Yes I know that but isn’t it still wrong since I already agreed to lie for her?

“And she is still accusing you for the fact that she cheated and prostituted herself. She took no responsibility for it – she is blaming either you or her aunt. But she herself took no responsibility.” Well she takes the blame one moment and then shares the blame with me and her aunt. So it’s like she is taking 50% of the blame and giving 30% to her aunt and 20% to me and my parents. But today she has taken full responsibility for her actions and promised to not bother me anymore but claims to have trust in God that I will come back to her…. I finally told my guy friend the details of what was happening and he suggested that I break up with her and wait and see if she really does change and I should only take her back if the change is visible. So she and I have come to the agreement that we are now broken up and we will no longer talk about the relationship but she is welcome to ask for my help for her work or whenever she needs it.

I just can’t imagine any other girl caring for me the same way B cared for me. Like which girl would help dealing with dandrives in someone’s hair? Wouldn’t most girls be disgusted by it and not even bother to help? But she willingly offered to help in putting the treatment into my hair and clearing the dandrives by hand. She even cleaned my room in secret because I don’t let her do it cause it just feels wrong. It is just weird because it feels like no other woman would take care of me the way she took care of me. What if I am actually throwing away the perfect person for me because I am blinded by her mistakes? Or maybe I am being naive and stupid because she is my first real girlfriend after all.

My attraction for her has nothing to do with her stubbornness. I definitely do not want someone who is too high on their horse to acknowledge what is right and what is wrong. Yes I want someone who understands me but I definitely do not want someone who literally drains all the energy out of me before they finally understand me.

I just wished that she was the right person because I always thought that I would marry the first girl I ever truly fell in love with. Now I feel contaminated by my experience with her and I don’t think any girl would want the remains of what was left by another girl. Now I am back to my sad lonely life.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

I asked B recently why she did what she did and she told me that when we broke up, she was heart broken and felt abandoned and in that moment, she felt that the only person who cared for her was her aunt. So she decided to just do what her aunt told her to do, because she was under the impression that only her aunt cared for her. So heart break just became a catalyst for what happened, and her aunt was waiting for the opportunity like a predator waiting to pounce on their prey and B fell right into her trap.

But despite that, it is still bs like you said cause she went with the man 3 times out of which she slept with him twice, with multiple opportunites where she could have gotten herself out of the situation, but she did not take those opportunities because she thought that she would get in trouble with her aunt as she is in a whole different country with no other place to stay. She is also claiming to take responsibility while also blaming me for my role in what happened.

Nobody forced her to stay with me, but she said she felt the need for my validation. Like some psychological validation that she was worth it. Similar to how some girls who are popular with men gets their pride hurt when they find a man not interested in them, so they annoy the guy until they receive his validation.

She may be 24, but I am starting to think that she is a child trapped in an adult’s body. Its like her brain resets every 5 minutes and everything I tell her just goes over the head. You can literally feel the words going in one ear and her processing it for a second and then leaving the other ear. Like she just threw common sense out the window and she has not even realized it. Thats how dumb it has become. And I think she is behaving like a 5 year old because she did not get the love she deserved from her own parents and family members. The lack of proper guidance prevents her from knowing how to act in certain situations, therefore resulting in the current drama. So can you really be mad at a 5 year old? I know I sound like I am making excuses but I would like to view the situation from as many angles as possible.

And she said that she was not aware that the money was coming from the man until the man came to get her. But she could have rejected the man and told him that she would pay him back. It is not like the man could rape her cause then he would have no other option but to kill her, which he cannot do cause too many people are involved in the situation. But even if she got raped, I would have been able to forgive her cause then it would be against her consent, and therefore she would not have a choice. But the reality is that she did have a choice, she just chose wrong. And I don’t see her craving men’s attention, she just naturally gets the attention cause that is how physically attractive she is, so I don’t see any craving. She is fine with staying at home minding her own business if that is all she had to do. But she did say that all her dress ups were for herself  (including the bikini outfit), which I think is bs cause no woman dresses up in a fancy outfit just for themself. And another excuse she had for the bikini incident is that she was in her bikini early morning when everyone was asleep, which is so stupid cause she is literally at a resort, she cannot possibly assume that everyone would be asleep. This level of stupidity makes me wonder whether she is actually 24 or actually 5.

She also said that she said all those things about me ruining her life and etc cause she misunderstood and she was just angry and she asked me to forgive her for what she said in anger, so should I? It still doesn’t change the fact that she felt that way cause of me, despite the fact that I have explained myself countless times.

“She has wounds and self-esteem issues that predate you, but instead of admitting it and taking responsibility for it, she found someone to blame: you.” The funny thing is that she admits her mistake one moment, and then blames me again, then goes back to apologizing for her mistake and then comes right back to blaming me again. It is a continuous cycle of her apologizing and blaming me. I think she just wants me to be blamed for my role in causing her mistake, even if she takes responsibility for actually doing the mistake. So she takes responsibility over her actions AND blames me for causing her to do these actions.

Regarding my attitude towards women, you clearly did not read what I said the last time we had this conversaion. I see women as persons that should be respected and loved and cared for and treated like queens. I have no other attitude towards women. What I do have is a stereotype that was created by observing real life situations of some women’s behavior to their own partner, not just something my father taught me. My father AND mother just supported the stereotype by advising me that cruel women existed, and most of them are women that are heavily influenced by modern society. It wouldn’t make sense if a woman was hurt by me simply saying that there are a lot of gold diggers out there. It would only make sense for the woman to be hurt if I said “You are a gold digger” because that is a direct insult. But of course there are the type who overthink too much and misunderstand what I am saying. We live in a society where divorce over stupid reasons is normalized; A society where men are constantly afraid of who they marry due to the possibility of losing half their wealth. Besides, can it really be considered misogynistic if there is actual evidence that proves the misogynistic theories to be true?

I do see what you are saying and I totally agree with you, and I have already made the final decision but it is just difficult to cut off the part of me that still cares.

“She is falsely accusing you of lying and wanting to cheat on her” B accused me of lying because I told her that I did not tell my friend that we were fighting, but I actually did tell him. But that doesn’t change the fact that her behavior and her lying is 1000x worse than my one lie. I also think that she came to the conclusion of the possibility of me cheating cause of that one interaction with my crush from high school which I forgot to tell her about, which she assumes to be a lie too. But like I said, she claims to have said what she said in anger, just like I have called her rude names in anger too, so should I really not forgive her for her false accusations?

I believe that she did not want me to tell my friend that we broke up because she knows that my friend will ask for the reason behind the break up and she doesn’t want my friend to know what she did. So the reason behind the break up is the horrible embarrassing secret that she wanted to hide, and not the break up itself.

I am pretty sure she is well aware of how stupid her accusations are. But in her moment of anger, she forgot all the things she did and only focused on what I did. So she knows that she has a log in her eye, she just chose to ignore it.

I know that she is a guilt-tripper and manipulator, but it is like she doesn’t even realize she is doing it. It is like a 5 year old crying and throwing tantrums and pouting and showing glassy eyes to get what the child wants, and you just feel so sorry for the child that you just feel the temptation to give in to what the child wants. I think I actually just spoiled her by forgiving her so many times already.

Everything else you said is true. I will just have to work on fixing it. There is a saying, that you should not go to the market when you are hungry because you will just buy the wrong things. Maybe I just picked the wrong person out of my own desperation for a friend.

Paradoxy

Dear Anita,

You are suggesting that the truth/logic can be manipulated and that is very true, but not all truths/logic can be manipulated and deceive us. No one can manipulate certain things such as the fact that 2+2 =4 or the procedure to handle or fix a piece of machinery etc. I am speaking from watching my father do it. I know that my father is a stubborn man who doesn’t factor in emotions to his decisions, but so far his decisions have been proven to be beneficial for everyone, even if it utilizes manipulated logic. That is why he is held in high regard by everyone he has interacted with, even his own boss. He was the one who figured out that my aunt was cheating on my uncle, with the small amount of interaction he had with her. He has been the one correcting a lot of people’s stupid decisions before they cause more problems. Everything you have said is true in general terms, but I have to speak on the specific terms as it relates to my father. He just cannot understand emotions, which is why he considers it in low regard and prefers to stick to just pure logic which is why he is stubborn and refuses to acknowledge he is wrong in his decisions regarding situations that involve emotions.

Paradoxy

Dear anita,

The inconsistencies occur because the lifestyle I grew up in is more complex than the lifestyle that you guys grew up knowing. I grew up in a village with farmers and traditions and religious devotions and family politics. I am trying my best to simplify the issues that I experience for the readers to understand better, but there are a lot of underlying factors that affect the situation which would be too complex for me to explain cause it is something you experience, not something you just know. I am able to argue back against the advice given because I have already considered the different outcomes before asking the questions, and I expected solutions that I have not already thought of but I keep getting answers that I am already aware of. I know that my parents are cancerous to me, but I have already mentally and emotionally cut myself off of them, but do not disrespect them because I am wise enough to realize that though their methods are just horrible, their intentions were still good. Listing out all of the specifics leading to this realization is too complicated to just write down, you have to experience it to actually understand it. In the same way, a lot of other things that you and the others have stated have already been considered, but there is always an underlying obstacle because due to a lifestyle difference, certain obstacles are harder to get over. It is like the different species of sharks around the world. They may all be sharks but you cannot treat every shark the same way, as there are differences in behavior and etc. A Nurse shark would not be as aggressive as a great white shark.

I know what Godwin-the-child wants. He wants compassion, friends, to be cared for by someone. He wants to make music, play the piano, build machines, play videogames, watch animes etc. I have just decided to shut him up for now so I can focus on med and then give him some freedom after med so he doesn’t affect my chances in becoming a doctor.

I appreciate the advice you have given anita, but life is way more complex for certain people due to underlying factors that affect every decision. The factors that affected you will not be the same factors that affect me, and therefore the solutions you suggest won’t work in certain situations. I make my decisions by considering all these factors first. That is why I came here because despite knowing that what B did was wrong and she does not deserve forgiveness from me, I have to consider all the factors that helped create her situation and also think about what I would do in her situation while also considering B’s past which would have had some form of influence in her poor decision making as well as her emotions then. A lot of people make rash stupid decisions that make you wonder how in the world they were stupid enough to do certain things but you do not know what that person experienced in that moment, the thoughts that they underwent in that one simple moment, unless you actually experience it yourself. The complexity of the situation made me want a third person’s perspective before I made my decision. In fact you might need her side of the story too because my perspective of things may cloud your judgement cause you can only see the situation from my point of view.

I apologize if I sound like a stubborn brat to you.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

I don’t follow my father’s wisdom. It was just used to guide me to make my own wisdom, that I chose after differentiating the right and wrong in his wisdom. I am in touch with my emotions, I just don’t let it affect my work.

You are right that my father only passed on the set of moral codes and rules for life. But I used my experiences to create the wisdom of the heart. I don’t believe that emotions should be ignored. I just choose to still ignore it cause I still have things I need to get completed. I cannot let my depression affect them.

I already know that what my father is like. And he is exactly what you described him to be. That is why I no longer engage with him unnecessarily. I just mind my own business. My father is a pro in speaking the truth in such a logical way that he is able to prove everyone wrong. It is not mere convincing, he is able to use evidence and logic in such a clear form that you cannot argue with logic. In my case he may be convinced that his stance is right, but in cases regarding other people, he is not merely convincing, he is actually PROVING that his stance is right. If it was mere persuasion, people would still be able to argue with him. But he shuts everyone up with pure logic. It’s like he can PROVE that 2+2=4 instead of 5 and nobody will go against it cause they know he is right. In the case of me choosing medicine, that was a situation of convincing, but though I knew he was wrong, I just decided to go along with his decision to avoid making things complicated and to avoid a fight. Besides, what am I going to do once I quit med? Think my parents will support me pursuing another career? They pay for my college tuition and rent etc. So how do I even oppose them? I accepted my parents wishes cause it would be a drag to go against them. Then everyday they will call me reminding me that quitting med is a bad idea and etc. I was not convinced by my parents’ ideals. I just chose med to just avoid dealing with them. My preferences are music and computers, but I do not have the time nor funds to pursue them. I had to even get pirated versions of music softwares to make my music, which I had to stop when Med started. So what do I do now?

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

You are right that my parents did not need to crush the person who is having the suicidal feelings. But they did what they did and I consider that the past, something that I have moved on from a long time ago. My father is not highly educated. Both of my parents only had a community college level basic education. Both of them got where they are now through sheer will power and determination. And education has nothing to do with the ability to empathize with people. He has suffered far worse than me yet he was never suicidal. He cannot empathize with me on this matter and he will see suicidal people as idiots. I am not making excuses, I understand why they did what they did. But that does not mean I will support what they did nor am I going to forget what they did. I just don’t anyone to have the misunderstanding that my parents are horrible people. They are just stubborn and ignorant. Thats it.

You keep mentioning that I heal from this. How do you expect me to heal? I am fully aware of my thoughts. I am fully aware of my feelings and the path that I am being driven into. So all I have to do is just change my mindset. But a part of me does not want to change that mindset. But I know it is wrong. It’s like the pain gives me some form of satisfaction. I find peace in this loneliness I feel. How are these negative thoughts going to affect me if I have perfect control over them?

Paradoxy