Dear Tee,

“What you are describing is not love, but constant arguing, hostility and lack of respect for each other (as well as lack of tenderness and kindness towards each other).” Idk what else to call it because the foundation is still based on love, cause they still genuinely care for each other and their children but there is still the underlying anger between them. It is very complicated for me to explain. They love me, but not in the way that I wanted to be loved but I am still grateful for what they have given.

“They don’t love each other “spiritually”. That’s not love. As I said, that’s fulfilling the social norm and looking good on the outside. But generating hell on the inside.” It is hard for me to explain exactly what they do. At any rate, I know for certain that at least my father is trying to give real love even if he can’t, while my mother is leaning more into trying to fulfill the social norm and look good on the outside, but they both still care.

“I guess your father have taught you that what they have is a “spiritual bond”.” No, I just don’t know the right word to describe the love between them, cause they do love each other, just not in the right way, they way we should be loving ig. Besides this is all from my perspective, I can’t read their minds and tell exactly how they feel towards each other. I can only tell u what I see them do.

“They have a bond of responsibilities, but it seems they felt very burdened by that responsibility (of raising children) because they believe you should thank them for giving you the bare minimum: for not leaving you to starve.” Burdened by the responsibility of raising children? That seems very unlikely cause my father is willing to sacrifice his life for his children and so will my mother. They don’t actively say that I should thank them for giving me the bare minimum, they just imply that I should be grateful for what I have cause others have it worse. Besides, keep in mind that I stopped sharing my feelings and issues with them for a long time now, so they barely know my suffering so they can’t see where they are going wrong.

“It seems that the burden of having children feels very heavy for them – they don’t do it gladly, maybe they even resent it. And maybe that’s why they made you feel like a burden –  because any other need beyond physical need was too much for them to handle.” No that is definitely not right. I know my parents well enough to know that having children is not the burden to them, and ever since I felt like a burden to them, I started doing everything on my own, never sharing anything with them and barely asking them for help. It is just that I as a person is like a burden to them. Considering how all the other kids got scholarships and never embarrassed them or anything…. All the other kids went to prestigious universities in the US and Canada etc while I got stuck in Jamaica. I am just an embarrassment to my parents cause of all my stupidity and awkwardness and inability to talk to people and etc. Maybe it is just me. My lack of maturity, my inability to be of use to my parents, can’t even help them with their chores/work, my lack of intelligence, my lack of skill in anything, or the fact that I am a complete idiot. While the other kids became mature and responsible adults, I just became an immature idiot. I may be the best among my cousins, but I am still immature in the eyes of my parents since I will never be good enough compared to other children my age. They love me as their child, but not as who I am.

“You cannot find true love if you believe that what they have is love.” I said I am not pursuing their type of love. They may not taught me what true love is, but the fact that I never got it has taught me the value of real love. The love I understood is that love is patience, love is respect, love is understanding, love does not envy, love forgives. I poured that into B, but those things were just taken advantage of.

“And you also fought for hours/days/weeks on end, similarly to your parents. So this kind of toxicity in the relationship (constant arguing) was normal for you – because that’s what you were familiarized to.” I have noticed the similarity between my fights and the fights between my parents, but that is not because it was what I was familiarized with. The fighting between my parents may be normal for me, but I am not stupid enough to use their love as a role model. I already told u what real love meant to me few months ago, I didn’t want the relationship to end up like my parents. I just expected B to be more understanding but I never got that. I never got the justice I deserved from her so I kept fighting for it without realizing it was pointless.

“So again, trying to find a loving wife while not healing your emotional wounds and false concepts of love will be impossible.” I am not actually searching for a wife, I am just saying that I would prefer if I could find one before my parents set me up for arranged marriage. My best bet is to stay single for life cause I am really really close to giving up on ever being accepted and loved for who I am.

“Your father exercises total dominance over you. He calls you daily and preaches to you for a full hour, he is telling you whom to talk to and be friends with, he knows your schedule to the slightest detail and controls your movement. He is not just giving you his opinion, which you should consider. He is telling you what to do. His approach is not parental advice, it’s total control.” Both my parents do it. If there is anything they work together on, they definitely worked together for this one.

“You are lying to yourself (gaslighting yourself) that what he is doing is giving you advice. He is not. He doesn’t give you any freedom to decide differently. He demands obedience.” It doesn’t change the fact that his advice saved me many times and my obedience has kept me from going in the wrong direction like the guys here with me. His advice is correct in general terms but I have grown to understand that his advice cannot be applied to everything but it can still be considered.

“They didn’t impart on you true wisdom, because they’ve conditioned you to take abuse and find excuses for it.” I was taught to be understanding. It may seem like excuses to others, but I always imagine what I would do if I was in their shoes, which is why I ended up putting up with certain types of behavior because my understanding was taken advantage of.

“Well, he clearly didn’t do much self-observation, otherwise he might have noticed how tyrannical he is…..You mean reading people to humiliate them?” I didn’t say he wasn’t a hypocrite lol. He taught me to be more understanding to others, but he didn’t take his own advice lol.

“But as I said, you so far were not allowed to not listen to their opinion, i.e. to disobey.” I mean, can my 19 year old intelligence really go against the intelligence, wisdom and experience of a 50 year old man and a 45 year old woman? I may not have told them about B, but they were very suspicious about it since I was very close to her, that is what made them keep warning me about not trusting her romantically, that she can be a good friend but not a good gf/wife.

“What I am trying to say is that you can’t use their counsel and “consider their opinion” – you either do what they tell you, or you don’t share with them at all. Those are your only two options.” What do u expect me to do exactly? It is not like I can get away from them. All I can do is endure.

“Have you ever introduced her to them? Because they judge women based on skin color, or a place they were born. So if according to them, most women, specially Caribbean, are gold-diggers, then sure, they were right. But not because they’ve met the girl or know anything about her, but because she happens to fit their prejudice.” Yes I introduced her to them as a friend. Remember, I even managed to take her on a movie date for my bday (the time she was sleeping with the other guy). My parents met her and her aunt on that day and I have told my parents about her to a certain extent. Though the primary reason why they said she can’t be trusted was due to her Caribbean nature, the fact that she grew up with a single parent, a broken family and other things about her also added to their stereotypical belief. I tried to make her look like some hard working woman by telling them about how she has a job and how she studyies well and etc but they only took it as a sign that she doesn’t have a good family to support her and that she probably slept with a bunch of men and etc. And they proceeded to tell me stories about their coworkers and other men and how women treated them and I was obviously concerned and shared those things with B and I told her specifically, that the last thing I want is for my parents to end up being right, and I had warned her that I would leave her if she made me look like a fool in front of my parents when I am fighting against them for her. But life just had to be the way it was.

“Narcissists can be very capable workers, as well as respected members of community. And they are excellent in showing one face to the outside world and another behind closed doors. So if he acts kind and helpful with people in the community, while cruel and relentless with you, that’s how you know he is a narcissist.” No he treats everyone the same way, harsh and straight forward, but it is just that he ends up being right so often that people stop questioning him cause they know he is going to be right with his course of action cause logically, it made sense.

” I understand it, because standing against your parents probably seem like a fight between David and Goliath.” Yeah, there is no better way to describe this cause if I run from my parents, I am going to be shunned by my own parents, my relatives back home AND the community that I grew up in. They will side with my parents. Not me.

“But if you want to achieve your proclaimed goal of finding true love: “I am trying my best to find a wife before they decide to marry me off to some stranger… I want a real bond“, you’d need to let go of your parents’ false notions of love and recognize that their treatment of you wasn’t really love. You’d need to learn what true love is.” Like I said, I am not using their love as a role model. I already know that their love is not the type of love I want and so I have already recognized that I should not idolize their love. I know what real love should be like. My father is also the one who told me that I should love the woman that accepted me for who I was (ironic coming from him) but that is also the primary reason why I fell in love with B, cause she saw my flaws and loved me for it, or so I thought until I realized I was being fooled. I am not sure if I can trust that feeling again. But it is still what I want, someone who accepts me for my flaws, my awkwardness and appreciates the love and care I have to offer instead of taking advantage of it. But the experience with B is going to be the main reason why I am going to be paranoid the next time someone offers me exactly what I am searching for…

Paradoxy