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I have a habit of pretending that things are okay when they are not and I’m finding things difficult to deal with. I also tend to focus on only one stressor and ignore the others, when realistically I have multiple stressors and they all contribute to how I’m feeling. There is no point talking about them all. Some are permanent, some temporary. Some I can change, some I can’t. So I’m going to focus on what I can change. It might be worth doing this weekly.
My bio mum treat me terribly and said that I was just like her. She said that she magically became this way after giving birth and it was our fault. I have always been afraid of having children since then. I have been afraid of becoming like her. Perhaps this has been watered down a bit over the years because I recognize that I am not like her. But I am still hypervigilant and judgemental of myself as a parent. I have been try to hold things together for my son, to be there for him. A lot of the time it looks like ignoring my difficulties and feelings. Heaven forbid that I express emotion because of a fear that might damage him. It is important to protect children from a lot of things. But too much can also be damaging. He still needs to learn to handle his thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. It is hard to find a balance.
I try my best for my son. I make mistakes, but try to learn from them. I try to provide for him, so that he has everything within reason that he wants and needs. I love him and I think that is the most important thing. That I love and respect him and respect his needs.