Dear Seaturtle:

“When I am not on the site for a couple weeks, does it make you feel like I am selfish, using you, or cold?”- no. When you don’t reply to me for an couple of weeks, I think that you don’t have a desire to talk to me, or you have the desire to not talk to me. At times I felt a bit hurt, a bit angry.

“Also I apologize for my horribly grammatical phone message here a couple weeks ago“- I didn’t notice or I don’t remember a horribly grammatical message by you.

“but you did great with it!“- thank you!

“To your post June 12th“… did you behave coldly and selfishly with him- Sometimes? Often? Rarely? Never?”- Not never… I went silent and cold, while being kind and straight forward… him calling me cold sometimes is accurate”- it’s a good thing that you didn’t go silent and cold and then erupt with rage (my mother’s pattern).

When you say “silent and cold”, you mean silently hurt and angry?

“For me ‘my true self was warm, but then was terribly abused, twisted into knots and generally emptied of the feeling of warmth. Leading to me feeling cold. My dad was also paranoid and emotionally detached from me, angry at me.. And I also feel it created an angry, judgmental and misguided loyalty. Everyone hurt him so I hated everyone including myself. All with the purpose of his acceptance, ‘togetherness.'”-

– wait, these are your words or mine (all of it, with warmth substituting the feeling of being ALIVE (my words).. ?

“I am trying to put together how/ which experiences I went through created this ‘barren emptiness.’… I felt the majority of my real self was rejected and judged by N…. It is out of the relationship, the past 6 months that I have been able to be my real self, I am not afraid to be rejected by new people and find it so exciting to find people who are real with me. That attitude has lead me to new relationships with new people”– I boldfaced the good news: you are mentally healthier following the breakup, congrats!!!

“Yes, I very intentionally have time before having my own hatchlings. I want to make sure I am swimming in the correct direction, to the right beach.“- swimming in the correct direction is key (It’s the journey)

anita