Hi Clara

The best way to deal with feeling pain about hurting someone is to learn from it, apologise and commit to changing.

Figuring out where you learned hurtful behaviours can be helpful too when it comes to forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself is important.

Sometimes when a person has habits of blaming themselves they are very sensitive to anything they might perceive as blame. I have had this issue with myself and my partner.

Things happen and sometimes people feel certain things. Sometimes feelings are a result of insecurities that arise. Feelings of insecurity that arose in situations are mentioned and they might see it as blame. The best way I found to deal with this is do directly say “I am feeling this and it has nothing to do with you. I am not blaming you for it, it is just a feeling that arose in this moment.”

I also had difficulties with overreacting. The way I learned to deal with this was by identifying disproportionate thoughts and feelings. Feelings are not always right, they are quite often just there. It is not your partner’s job to make you feel better every time a random hurt feeling comes up. By understanding when a feeling didn’t fit the situation. I found it easier to disentangle those feelings from my partner which enabled me to deal with them myself and made it easier to let go of.

I think it should be pointed out that your partner’s reaction is also part of her pattern, it is not just a result of pain from her interactions with you. A lot of people feel hurt in relationships and not everyone chooses to go on a break.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏