Dear Clara:

“One thing that she mentioned she liked about me, was how kind I was. I am empathetic and try to understand“- I noticed your kindness and empathy in your interactions with me over the years, and with other responders in your threads.

“I do not think I overreact normally, initially yes, when things were unsure and turbulent. I feel she imprinted that image of me being over sensitive when we started dating“-

– so, right in the beginning of the 5.5 -year relationship, things were turbulent. This fits with your Oct 18, 2018 post of a bit over 5.5 years ago: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move”.

“She said I brought her new perspective and I am someone whom she typically does not interact with, it is as if I gave her another world to be in“- I wonder if she said this in the beginning of the relationship when things were turbulent, or later, at times of relative stability. I wonder whom she typically interacts with: unempathetic/ unkind people, or less sensitive/ less reactive people?

“Most of the time when I am at home with her, I am very silly and funny… But somehow, I can still sense she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes. It is as if she needs to ‘deal’ with me, so she acts in a certain way or do certain things… I do occasionally overreact“- occasional overreacting creates more of an impression on a person than silly-and-funny most of the time.

I remember my mother complaining to me that I remember “only the bad”, as she said, that is that I forgot or unfairly put aside all the good things about her, and remember only the times she screamed/ insulted/ hit me. I used to feel guilty about her accusation. Eventually, I understood that it is natural for any animal to focus on danger when danger is present, and not on non-dangers. For example, a deer sensing a predator in the area, will stand there motionless, transfixed, looking at the direction of the perceived danger: not eating, not walking, not anything.

“I do lack the habit of expressing“- habits are difficult to change, but changing this emotional- behavioral habit is very important for your well-being.

“I have picked up running again, and I did it 4 consecutive days…  it helps me to regulate my emotions“- excellent!

“Just now I had an angry feeling. Primarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me“- when angry, you forget that you are on a break which you initiated and agreed to.

“she would think I am clingy? I don’t honour the promise?“- yes, at times you are clingy, particularly during this break, and yes: you are not honoring the break you agreed to.

“I  thought of breaking up with her just to end things… I just don’t want the situation to continue I guess. I wish it can end, even if it meant breaking up. Just now I took a deep breath and just distracted myself with other stuff“- no doubt this break is very, very difficult for you, you are suffering. Possible solutions: (1) make what you fear (a breakup) happen already, so that you no longer suffer anticipating it- the relief will be temporary, (2) contact her during the (dishonored) break yet again- the relief will be temporary (as it was the first time you contacted her), (3) address the source of your suffering, which is about a time before you ever knew that your girlfriend existed. Address the core of the wound that’s bleeding in you- the relief will be permanent.

“For now, if I can initiate a break up this is something I can control…. this is something I don’t have control of…. I think I always have an option to make it a stop if I really want to“- I am thinking of you growing up with a severe lack of control: couldn’t control the people walking by the broken window in the bathroom and seeing you naked while showering (couldn’t make them STAY AWAY from the broken window!) Couldn’t control being forced to have breakfast with your father,  couldn’t control being exposed to his angry explosions, (couldn’t make him STOP!)

No wonder lack of control is so distressing to you!

anita