Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for your time going through my post and replying to it.

I am very shy person and opening is not an easy process for me and hence delay in my reply.  I have been going through your response and trying to understand it. In between there were some family emergencies which I had to attend.

My past still comes before me, and I get deeply hurt by feeling of shame and guilt. While I try my best to get out of it somehow, I am still in its grasp. The past has been so painful, and I foresee the same things occurring in the future. This was not the case 4.5 years ago. I was full of life and energy. While I was aware of my past then, it did not seem to have a severe impact on me. I do not know how all of the sudden past events started to took toll over my life. This has come to a point where I have not a positive outlook about life.  I am always drained of energy, and I just like to sleep wishing this will be a long endless sleep.

I thought I need to get out of my current environment, and I am currently staying at my sister’s place. She observed few behaviours like screaming in my sleep and getting lost in thought when I am talking to her. She asked me if I was alright. While the mind asks me to share my issues and the soul stops me from sharing it. She herself have gone through a lot recently and I did not want to bother with additional issues.

I though shared some of my issues with one of my brothers. I am thankful for his time and active listening.  I was good for few days and then suddenly I was back to square 1. All the good vibes that were there were suddenly erased, and I am on the same path.

My child is the only thing stopping me to end my pain and I have to fight my feeling daily. It is good to see my child growing, speaking new words and calling me. Also, I am worried how he would feel upon knowing father has ended his life. The society I come from will taunt my child and make my child’s life miserable. I wish to be with my child but cannot see if I can win the fight with my mind.

Hi Helcat,

Thank you for response. I am bit scared going to the therapy sessions as I have difficulty opening to others and, I have heard horrendous stories about therapist like not properly listening to you, prescribing medication immediately and treating you like an object. If you are ok, can you share how was your experience with the therapist?

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response. I still get anxiety bouts specially during the morning and wish I was not alive in the morning. I have started to listen to relaxing music, and this helps a bit. I have started journaling, and it has helped me to let out my emotions. However, there are triggering factors which completely consumes me, brings all the negative emotions and all the effort which I put seems to go in vain and I am back to start. Is this a normal process?

Hi Tommy,

Thank you for your response. I have started to go through some Buddhism books. However, there is a constant quarrel between mind and soul, and I seem to get lost in it for a long time.  It seems I am stuck in quicksand and there is no way out from it.  Journaling my emotions helps a bit.

And I again thank you all for you time and kind words.