Hi Anita and Helcat,

Since my last post, I have continued meditation. I go for walk in the morning listening to music. I have continued journaling and continued reading book on Buddhism. I have continued sharing things with my brother. It helped me for few days and after a long time I was really relaxed.

I had a bad dream yesterday and the past things resurfaced.  The negative thoughts started to consume me after I woke up and I had to fight it really hard. Whole day I was engulfed with it and by the end of the day I was really exhausted. The negative thoughts are so intense and they seem difficult to handle. I became sad seeing my efforts going in vain.

Hi Anita,

Today, I shared my yesterday’s feeling with my brother and he patiently listed to me. I am thankful to him but I feel if I am unnecessarily dragging him into my problems.

Posting here soothes me as it has helped me to open myself and express my feelings.

Hi Helcat,

I am still at my sister’s place and going back to my place in two weeks time. I am positive about seeking professional help once I go back to my place. I am aware that I need to get out of this mess as it has destroyed moments of my life.  I was going through old photos in my phone. All I could remember in those pics was thinking to end my life.

One query though, with you therapy did you relapse after some sessions of treatment? Only answer if you are comfortable sharing it.

Thank you for going through my post.

Hi Helcat,

Thank you for your reply. I was searching for ending life on the internet when I found this website. I first read other people’s post and found that there are peoples who were giving time to listen to others without any judgement and comforting them. This place has provided me with platform to let out my feelings which was deep inside me.

Yes, you are right, I need to identify unhealthy behaviours and manage boundaries. This is where I have been helpless and careless.

Hi Anita,

There is one side of me which tells me that I should not overthink. But I get carried away when I try to make a decision. I mentally picture all the negative outcomes and feel them as real. I reflected on this behaviour and found that in my childhood I was not allowed to make any mistakes either at home or at school. Whenever I made one it was not well taken.  I was scolded and judged. Never was I taught that mistake happens, and you need to learn from it. All I was said was how can a studious student like you make such mistakes and it was a shame.  In the adulthood, there were few decisions I took, that did not result nicely.  I think the fear of taking decisions started from these events and has been inculcated.

Yes, I have not been compassionate and kind to myself.  In fact, I have been abusing myself for my mistakes, for all the guilts, for the shameful events, for the helpless situations and for not being able to stand for myself when I should have. In fact, your response has made be realised how badly I have been self-mortifying myself mentally and through unhealthy lifestyle for a long time.

Thank you all for taking time to go through my post and the kind words.

I hope I am not bothering you with regular and long posts.

Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for your time going through my post and replying to it.

I am very shy person and opening is not an easy process for me and hence delay in my reply.  I have been going through your response and trying to understand it. In between there were some family emergencies which I had to attend.

My past still comes before me, and I get deeply hurt by feeling of shame and guilt. While I try my best to get out of it somehow, I am still in its grasp. The past has been so painful, and I foresee the same things occurring in the future. This was not the case 4.5 years ago. I was full of life and energy. While I was aware of my past then, it did not seem to have a severe impact on me. I do not know how all of the sudden past events started to took toll over my life. This has come to a point where I have not a positive outlook about life.  I am always drained of energy, and I just like to sleep wishing this will be a long endless sleep.

I thought I need to get out of my current environment, and I am currently staying at my sister’s place. She observed few behaviours like screaming in my sleep and getting lost in thought when I am talking to her. She asked me if I was alright. While the mind asks me to share my issues and the soul stops me from sharing it. She herself have gone through a lot recently and I did not want to bother with additional issues.

I though shared some of my issues with one of my brothers. I am thankful for his time and active listening.  I was good for few days and then suddenly I was back to square 1. All the good vibes that were there were suddenly erased, and I am on the same path.

My child is the only thing stopping me to end my pain and I have to fight my feeling daily. It is good to see my child growing, speaking new words and calling me. Also, I am worried how he would feel upon knowing father has ended his life. The society I come from will taunt my child and make my child’s life miserable. I wish to be with my child but cannot see if I can win the fight with my mind.

Hi Helcat,

Thank you for response. I am bit scared going to the therapy sessions as I have difficulty opening to others and, I have heard horrendous stories about therapist like not properly listening to you, prescribing medication immediately and treating you like an object. If you are ok, can you share how was your experience with the therapist?

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response. I still get anxiety bouts specially during the morning and wish I was not alive in the morning. I have started to listen to relaxing music, and this helps a bit. I have started journaling, and it has helped me to let out my emotions. However, there are triggering factors which completely consumes me, brings all the negative emotions and all the effort which I put seems to go in vain and I am back to start. Is this a normal process?

Hi Tommy,

Thank you for your response. I have started to go through some Buddhism books. However, there is a constant quarrel between mind and soul, and I seem to get lost in it for a long time.  It seems I am stuck in quicksand and there is no way out from it.  Journaling my emotions helps a bit.

And I again thank you all for you time and kind words.