Dear Dena:

You are welcome!

“I guess my biggest struggle is knowing how not to connect everything back to my childhood. For example if a friend is giving me mixed signals or I feel excluded… I also struggle to know peoples trues intentions. I often get disrespected or mistreated by others in small subtle ways and only now I’m learning to call them out on it but then if they’re super apologetic I almost feel bad that I took it personally and go right back to having no boundaries??“-

– (1) I apply what I call The NPARR Strategy. Here is how it may help you: when you Notice that you feel excluded, or otherwise disrespected or mistreated, Pause (pause the rumination about it, pause before saying or doing anything), Adress the situation: was I really excluded, disrespected or mistreated in the particular current situation? Is there a different way to look at/ interpret the situation? Is there a situational problem that requires a solution, or is the problem inaccurate thinking on my part? etc., Next, Respond- or- not (say, type put or do something.. or not), and lastly Redirect: move your attention elsewhere, and whenever possible, redirect judgment to empathy, for yourself, and when appropriate, for others as well.

If you try the above (or you already tried something similar), please let me know how it goes for you.

(2) Whenever possible, ask people about their intentions when they say (or do) this or that. Because not all apologies are sincere, or mean that the person thinks that he/ she did anything wrong, better ask an apologizing person, what it is that he/ she is apologizing for.

Closing this post at 4:25 am, your time.

anita