Hi Anita

Day 3 of no arguments. I have some good news regarding our dog. His blood test results came back. His kidneys are okay and he still has one elevated liver result, but it is still going down and is much better than before. He doesn’t need anymore tests unless he seems unwell.

Thank you for your kind wishes!

I’m just trying to express, process and let the feelings pass.

I can understand my husband’s side of things. He just wanted to hear his mom’s voice before his son was born. But I had flashbacks to him leaving the operating theatre to answer his mother’s call for weeks.

He just wanted me to be calm, so he could enjoy spending time with his family. But I couldn’t cope staying with his family because of my own family trauma and I was anxious that my husband had started talking to his mother about our arguments. Despite warning him that I would have difficulty coping and might need to leave, but I would try my best. He was still hurt when my PTSD flared up and I wanted to stay somewhere else.

Having a wife with PTSD is hard. Sometimes he wishes that I was normal. I definitely wish that I was normal.

It just hurts that he blamed me.

Having a new baby while breastfeeding requires constant care. For the first 6 months, he was waking up through the night for feeding. Initially, he needed to be fed every 2-4 hours. He couldn’t use bottles for months because he had thrush and there were medication shortages. For three months, he cried for 3-4 hours every evening. With cheaper nappies, he had to be changed up to 10 times a day at his peak. It is providing 24/7 care after a major surgery and significant blood loss for the following 3 months. And with the fibromyalgia, holding him hurts.

It was like torture. I had a breakdown. My bio mom hit me or ignored me when I cried. And I had intrusive thoughts when my son cried that scared me as a result of that trauma.

Thankfully, things are a lot easier now. He doesn’t need to be carried as much because he can crawl. He sleeps better and doesn’t need fed at night. He doesn’t cry before bed anymore and I recovered from the surgery. He is a lovely, sweet boy intent on walking and talking. I’m teaching him things like dancing and how to use crayons at the moment. I just have to watch him like a hawk and try to stop him from killing himself. Mostly, everything is babyproofed. But I have to make sure that he doesn’t chew on any power cables.

I don’t know how you feel about not having children. You don’t need to share if you don’t want to. I know that these things are complicated and it can be painful for people.

That is pretty amazing!

Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏