You have perfect emotional regulation at the cost that you no longer know what you are supposed to let yourself feel, to where you feel close to nothing if you don’t push yourself to, is it worth it?

I’m living out that question every day, hello, my name is Kane, 18 and wanting change.

I’ll put it in simplistics: in my understanding of life as I grew up, I understood as my first lesson that at the basis of human knowledge, its crafted by human hand, that everything, had ability to be wrong, incorrect, untrue, inexact, so, I never lived with ‘certainties’, like I was a nice person, or knowing I had everything I wanted, if I was safe, or anything I thought, believed, did, was right, correct, good, anything, it didn’t hurt thanks to me being a kid and not thinking enough in that broad sense you do as you grow up, to where that’s how people develop, having certain intrinsics to them that make them who they are, and mine was simple.

I enjoyed confusing stuff like this, life, meanings, values, beliefs, only learned the word psychology at 11, and figured out it’s what I wanted to do in life, for all of it, philosophy later, learning about axiology(study of values) even later, I thought “What is the meaning of life?” at around 9 or 8, and came to my answer a year or two later as “Personalization”, that people can be so thoroughgoingly different at such an inherent base that we don’t quite understand to where their goals and desires resonate with them in particular more than others, making their reason of life as different as they are different from you to them, seen and unseen, understood or not.

These questions and my…unpleasant situation made it so I had to be strong, at first for the future of others I wanted to make, then for the happiness I can bring in others which’ll echo into myself…I learned too late the life I had chosen for myself just what exactly it was, of which it was filled with such consequences to the point that it can doom my future and myself as who I am in the process and replace it with hurt that just wants to further it into the world, to be heard and felt.

So, to prevent that, and to become the embodiment of immovable object meets unstoppable force, I learned to manage my emotions to such a degree they can disappear with a snap, and flood to where I just…want it to go quiet, which I do.

I worked into the depths of everything I could, one’s nature, the justification of such nature as it is a reality in our waking to lives, to where it justifies its existence, where will comes from, what makes it up, pros of cons of nature, how bad it is we are not in control of our development, the natural problem between kids and parents being organic and part inorganic…

So many truths that it was overwhelming and painful to where I cried too much as a kid, to which I hid my pain, even though they made me feel such.

I logicalized everything to such a degree I justified everything, in its formation into existence and its departure, to where I don’t ever wonder, “Why?“, and sit in the hurt of lack of understanding of what hurt me, because I know why.

But in doing so, I invalidated my emotions from having agency by denying their impact, a repercussion I learned only relatively recently, and now am trying to partially unlearn as I had to make myself so artificial in this sort of advanced application of morals, beliefs, that I am struggling to advance further in my knowledge, as that is my dependency, for as long as I find the logic, I can do it, and if not…I can’t.

Inherency to care, to understand, to want relationships, to where I am discontent with life when I don’t have those things, as my nature, all my development gave me the wisdom of life and knowing my future and how I want to handle it, my emotions are chaotic and eating each other, wanting to laugh, to smile, to cry, to scream, to hurt, hurt, and hurt, myself? Others? Don’t know?! To cease until these feelings are gone, even if they never go away, that means I must go away forever.

Then there’s the wisdom itself, which I nicknamed “Mechanical Morality”, as they are the absolute of truths we struggle to grasp, not only because of their complexity, but of their nature that isn’t in line with not just what we want as humans, as an existence, but of how things operate in their directive of just inherency, a child’s two-sided ability to be a bright light of joy, or of cruelty, how such corrosive evil can exist in our world when we know for ourselves how good “good” feels and to do so, to the quiet unconscious living we drift in and out of, for better or worse.

These four things smother any individual character from existing, to where everything is the input…and nothing is the output, there’s a limit to how much we can be in a singular moment, and I think my situation isn’t that I hit that limit, I feel that I broke my own…I broke my inherency by grasping all of this to where I have true control, to where my mind can’t handle it, as every action feels in disservice to the other.

Each counterweight each other to where I can’t be anything, feel like my kindness isn’t genuine or enough communicated to where I feel nothing from it cause it feels like its so little impact, I can’t feel anger or animosity as they are dispelled the instance, I feel them because I understand the inherent flaws in those things, that we are such flawed beings that honestly, almost everything w-

Everything that comes into reality had its reason towards existing, to where nearly, there’s always a reason, even when there’s not one directly, you could be pushed to do the worst of the worst and still be the kindest person out there, you can be disgusting yet like something pure…

Our world is filled with contradictions, to where almost nothing is just one thing.

…

I’m getting better, as in I’m feeling emotions again with more honesty, but that whole storm is still there, I feel what I have isn’t supposed to be the natural result of my knowledge, but a messed up mix of what I made out of it cause I forced it into a mold of a tool, a coping mechanism to handle something so simple, want to know what it is: it’s just arguing, simple, family, arguments, fools hurting each other and learning to be not receptive of it to where it continues, only being hurt when we make mistakes and don’t understand one another, or when they don’t understand what they done.

I can’t live without them, yet I so desperately want to, yet I want the family that this one doesn’t feel like it is, that my identification of family is covering up what this one is, not exactly horrible, not the best, just…one that’s stuck in their problems, and is okay with it…in its dysfunctional sense.

Can’t abandon the emotions, can’t follow the logic, my developed self isn’t anything but the mechanical morality that doesn’t serve an individual, it is a system of the world that gives jurisdiction to everything to do as they please to where it happens, not up to anyone, but done by anyone.

I want it to end, I want to achieve my dream, I want the happiness I know exists in our world, I want to teach what I learned not in its horrendous mold, but its ability to help us grow into the best of what we can be and more.

I’m trying to use the emotional aspect to break the balance as inherency is too hard to break, development requires memories, more so things to change me, and I can only think of negative events that can have an effect towards the worse, however, with no truly positive thing I can find, I need to do something drastic…let anger win…as I never allowed myself to experience it fully to where it has jurisdiction over my mind, but, I don’t think I’m left with much option, all I can do…is wait, and get over my deliberations and fear that my family isn’t worth it.

Thanks for reading, bye.