I am a high school geography teacher and most of my kids come from rough places. My classes are huge at 30-33 students each and this is my first year teaching high school and geography. I taught elementary special education for about 15 years. I don’t really like the stress teaching brings and all the people (parents, other staff) and supervisors that “watch” over me- the feeling that I’m about to always do something wrong and that I’m not good enough at what I do pervades everything I do. We are observed and have so many people to be accountable to- so many paperwork things to turn in, and parents that watch every step we make. I tried to quit last year and start something new on my own but ended up doing nothing productive, save some painting I haven’t stuck to, and sunk into a deep depression. I love the kids, I am patient and kind and intelligent. I am doing my best and I work very hard, most days staying two to three hours after work, working on nights and weekends at home- yet I’m still behind on deadlines and am not the most organized and feel like I can’t get it together. I also am having a lot of issues with discipline during classes and students misbehaving- it embarrasses me that I don’t have better control over my classes although I know 9th graders give everyone a hard time and other teachers are having similar issues.
I do have some colleagues to talk to and it helps sometimes, I talk to my family and that helps, but I want to find a way to think of it more positively, to figure out how to be kinder to myself, and more productive and motivating instead of fermenting in my own “loser” juices. How can I reframe what I’m doing, what I’m thinking so that I can make this experience feel better and not so draining and rough?