Forum Replies Created
August 24, 2014 at 10:31 am #63870Cinamon StrevaParticipant
I think any time you feel neglected, unheard, undervalued, or that your voice doesn’t get a chance to be heard you are being manipulated or mistreated. If dealing with this person makes you feel drained, exhausted, and hurt- it isn’t a healthy relationship. Now, that being said- what about- no one can MAKE you feel anything without your permission (I’ve thought about this long and hard about my relationship, but I’ve found that I ended up making myself feel guilty, unlovable, rejected because of their actions, of course, the most confident of people would feel that way if subjected to someone who again and again disappoints us) what about-if you are a centered, well adjusted happy person- no one can make you unhappy- that’s bs! I am a very optimistic cheerful person by nature. I love everyone and everything and I have given more years than I care to admit trying to make my marriage work while being emotionally abandoned and ignored. Every time I have to make a decision or get something done or have a discussion with my spouse that involves him helping me, supporting me, listening to me, “getting me” or getting on board with me- I am met with resistance, avoidance, stonewalling, interruptions, and the conversation is twisted around such that basically I am told that I am unreasonable, have expectations that can’t be met, am not realistic, am too needy, etc. If trying to communicate with someone makes you feel like you’re banging your head against a wall, they are trying to get their way and twist things around to fit their comfort zone. My husband isn’t a bad guy. He just doesn’t know how. We’ve been through therapy and all kinds of crap and he still doesn’t get it. It’s not about taking me out to eat, or physically being in the house, or taking about the garbage, it’s deeper meaningful connections that matter. It’s a selflessness in a relationship, it’s trying to make someone’s life easier and better not harder. These people are exhausting and it isn’t their fault, but they won’t change if you keep playing your part in the dance and put up with it. You have a right to be heard, to have what you want from life, to make your own decisions, to feel loved, to be taken care of, to feel worthy and wanted and needed.July 26, 2014 at 1:17 pm #61826Cinamon StrevaParticipant
Jay, I understand where you’re coming from but because of other circumstances-although it’s the same feelings! I’ve been a mom and married my whole adult life- so everything about myself has been negotiated and compromised over time- there’s plenty of times I catch glimpses of who I am and who I want to be but ultimately my “responsibilities and obligations” draw me back to this place where I don’t feel allowed to think about what I want from life. I finally decided after nearly two decades of teaching that I really don’t want to be a teacher but I have to work, and I truly feel like if I keep trying to teach I’m going to lose all of myself- not just because of the job but from continually allowing others to influence what I do with my life- not listening to my soul, not being who I want to be. So, who is this person we want to be? Who does he look like? What are you attracted to? Does anything bring you joy? Can you do more of that? Not temporary pleasure like eating a Snickers or looking at funny animals on the internet- what really makes you feel like you? I love to be outdoors, I garden, I write, I create, sew, paint, I like helping people. I know this- does that make it more likely I will do what is good for me? no- when we get down, when we’re lost, somehow we are less likely to do what we know would be the best thing for us- like go for a jog, or eat a salad, or phone a friend. Take time to think about what you want your life to look like- dream big- write down action steps to get there- and start doing something every day to put yourself out there and accomplish some tiny feat toward being who you want to be. Your life as you want will follow. My best friend is a 50-something year old gay guy who is always lonely and longs for my domestic “bliss” and I keep telling him I wish I was on my own doing whatever the hell I wanted to do. The grass is never greener anywhere else but under your own feet. You take care of you and the rest will come. I’ve been married a bazillion years and have three nearly grown kids and a shaky marriage- but until I get my crap straight no relationships really work right- and you can do it one step at a time. Think a bit and then DO something!