Hi everyone! Need a little help with something, that in the past I would’ve asked my father, but he passed a few years ago and so I cannot access his wisdom.

Background: 60(F) married to 60(M) with adult kid (23) who lives with us. We are both the “scapegoats” or “black sheep” of our families. I have AuDHD and lots of autoimmune issues, struggle with my C-PTSD/depression/anxiety. He has undiagnosed ADHD and remains solid in his 12 step program for addiction issues. I’ve done decades of psychotherapy, he’s done about 10 months total.Since the pandemic I’ve been struggling with depression in particular, and my health issues have eliminated my ability to do things I used to enjoy and that helped (hiking, biking, dancing).

We’ve been together since 1992, married since 1996. From the very beginning of our relationship, his family has always treated me poorly. My husband has always maintained a high level of denial regarding how they treat not only me, but also him. They’ve always viewed me as “the crazy chick who lives with him.” I’ve always remained polite but kept them at arm’s length (they don’t even know all the diagnoses I listed above, nor do they know the extent of my husband’s previous addiction issues). I’ve participated in family functions, always to my detriment. I have to radically dissociate just to get through them. Luckily, they all live on the other side of the continent (because we moved to the opposite coast), so I don’t have to interact with them often anyway. I have gone to every prior family gathering that I was asked to, doing my best to remain cordial and not through a glass of wine at anyone. They’re very passive-aggressive, but not narcissists. *They would love nothing better than to see my marriage fail* (even after all this time)

At this point all in the parental generation have passed away. My SIL has 2 kids, in their 30s at this point. One of them (M) is getting married in a city on this opposite coast. All 3 of us were invited as a matter of course. Neither myself nor my kid interacts with any of the in-laws except for the occasional “Happy Birthday” text to my kid. When my parents passed, I got NO cards or texts from anyone expressing condolences, just a verbal through my husband. These kids also don’t refer to me as “Aunt _____”, they just call me by my first name even though I corrected them in childhood. I doubt I’d be missed.

I DON’T WANT TO GO.

First of all, was asked by SIL for dietary restrictions, and when I told her mine she basically said tough luck – the service at this wedding is “family style” and it happens to be a cuisine that contains a lot of allergens for me (wheat, fish, cheese, etc.) I was also told that the reception will be small, but was then told it’s 150 people, and that it will be very crowded, with 10 people per table, tables close together. And there will be loud music from a wedding band.

I’ve already declined to attend the rehearsal dinner the night before (in a restaurant with no food for me to eat also), which made my husband angry, but I refused to give in. We’ve already sent our wedding gift and confirmed they received it.

I still wear a mask in public to protect my health and I don’t eat inside crowded restaurants anymore either. My husband says I shouldn’t wear a mask at the reception because it’s insulting to the happy couple (the bride has lupus, btw). He also gets very defensive about his family and I need help:

HOW TO TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO GO AND HOW TO ACTUALLY NOT GO??
(yes, I know, no one can drag me onto the plane, but I don’t want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this)

*Remember, undermining my marriage is a plus to these morons* also *I will not be missed* and most important *I do not care one bit what they think about me*\

Thanks, kind internet strangers.