@Alessa – thanks! Appreciate you!

@anita – IMHO Toxic is a polite understatement. I am a bit proud of myself for showing my kid how it’s done, and you can bet that I have already had conversations where I say – if your potential in-laws don’t completely embrace you, accept you, and express love for you directly – RUN! It’s a big red flag, that unfortunately myself and 3 close girlfriends have all had to go through: decades of dealing with abusive in-laws while their husband never really takes their side. Two of them are divorced, two of us are not. The two who are divorced are lucky because all the parent-in-laws are deceased and they don’t have to deal with siblings or other in-laws anymore. Here’s what’s fascinating: all 4 husbands are from the same county, 2 of us grew up several counties away, 1 nearby, and 1 from a completely different part of the country. We joke that there must have been something in the water that made everyone develop personality disorders, because we can’t account for it any other way.

Interesting side note: When I talked to my kids about me not going to this wedding, I made sure to ask:
1. Are you ok with me not going? (yes)
2. Do YOU want to go? (yes)
And then they said something very revealing: “Yeah I still want to go, but it’s not like these people keep in touch with me. At most I get a Happy Birthday text once a year, they don’t even follow me on social media.”

On the one hand this angered me, but on the other I was grateful to see that my kid is seeing things as they are, as opposed to my husband who continues to see things as he wishes they were instead of reality.

Thanks again!!

@Alessa

I can confirm that they will not care if I’m not there, but they will ridicule me by saying very denigrating things to my husband. Examples:
She’s crazy.
How can you stay with someone who hates us so much?
We told you so — she doesn’t care about you at all, if she did she’d be here.
She’s so selfish.

I’ve gone along to get along for over 30 years. I never discouraged contact between them and my kid, even though when my kid was a toddler, my in-laws did the following:
My kid is adopted.
One day when we were all visiting with FIL and MIL they were going on and on about SIL’s kids, how great they are, how much joy they bring, they don’t get to see them enough because they live far away, etc.
I said, “You have a grandchild right here in front of you.”
The reply was “Well, you know what we mean, our REAL grandkids.”
And no, my kid was not included in their wills at all, but the “real” grandkids were.

To date, ANY interaction I have had to endure with the in-laws causes stress in the marriage itself. They triangulate a lot. It’s not just me – I’ve observed over the years that ANY female who marries in is disrespected and excluded. There are entire branches of the family that have gone no contact with this branch as a result. Another example:
Was at my BIL’s wedding, and my SIL and MIL made some comments about an uncle – “Oh look there’s Uncle X, and he brought that crazy wife of his Y. She’s a horrible person.” So I went and said hi to them, introduced myself since I hadn’t met them before, and chatted with AUNT Y – lovely person. Never saw either of them again at any family function.

@anita
Thanks again for your encouragement.
I plan to talk to my husband tonight, and I’m going to focus on “I” statements and my needs and NOT bring his family into it at all. I will reiterate that I love him and I will also add things to the effect of: this will make the trip easier for YOU, you won’t have to worry about me or how I’m feeling, you can just enjoy your visit. I will also demand that HE not triangulate – I will notify the bride & groom with my regrets myself and that if his sister or anyone asks why I’m not coming (for sure they will) – that he should tell them to speak to me directly (for sure they won’t).

I’ve also checked in with my kid to ask – Are you ok with me not going? And they said yes. Had they said they need me for support I would’ve chosen to go anyway. It’s a relief that they are ok with this.

My only trepidation is because I know that while I won’t be missed, they’re going to torture my husband over this. This is where I fear a rift will happen – he will resent me because of the crap that’s going to rain down on him because he’s incapable of showing me full support.