Have been trying to figure how to improve how I spend my days thoughtfully for years but it’s gone nowhere and has only been getting worse with time as I’ve seen anyone who I had been around progress. I’ve tired spending time on hobbies or leisure activity nowadays most of the time attempts at socializing over the years even trying therapy at some point for a few months yet it felt like nothing had changed becoming somewhat desperate for some semblance of stability usually brushed off for being unorthodox. Maybe I shouldn’t care so much about others as a means of feeling apart of something to look forward to. As for the second part of the title I’ve developed a sense of bitter resentment over the years whenever I see someone succeeding at something I’ve tried doing relating to said hobbies or just constantly having roadblocks from trying to get something done a certain way and then be met with disappointment when it ends up not getting done I know shouldn’t feel that way out of defense from years of constant failure some out of my control but at the same time I don’t want to just sit there and take being constantly kicked down it’s very conflicting when constantly echoing negativity and anxiety while trying to hold at my worst moments like being stabbed in the heart with a steak as it’s being constantly twisted, when I’m not stressed on constantly on the offense always at a distance with constant trust issues in regards to something or anyone waiting for the moment where it all goes wrong always making things harder then they should be. I don’t know what else to really do or if what I’m focusing on are completely wrong but when it comes to doing anything my opinions are limited and it’s like taking a shot in the dark in a stack of needles.