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Feeling guilty about flirting

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  • June 20, 2025 at 9:23 am #446972
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello all,

    A few weeks back I flirted with a girl with no real intentions. As background I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year. I met her in another country and because of some life events I had to move back home but we are still together. Before I left we had lots of conversation about staying together or not and a few times she would tell me “what’s the point if you’re leaving”. There was a time where I felt the same even though we were still together. Due to this feeling of “whatever” and being upset I messaged a girl that had previously went out on just 1 date with before me and my girlfriend got serious. My girlfriend does know about this girl from a previous conversation and knows that I only met her one time. In this feeling of whatever and being a bit upset with my girlfriend I messaged this other girl. I told her I missed talking to her even though I didn’t really care and we had tentative plans to meet up before I left. Well, she asked me to a lunch and I said I would try but I never actually went because I didn’t want to and I felt bad about the situation especially because I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend. I even gave her my second phone number and told her we could talk more when I’m back home which also never did. I knew this was wrong in the moment so I stopped messaging her and completely ghosted her and ended up blocking her after she kept messaging me. After that, over the course of the next few days, me and girlfriend had a very long talk and expressed how we were feeling and we decided to stay together and even being long term our relationship has been strong than ever.

    Recently my conscious has kicked in and I’ve been feeling extremely guilty for what I did and feel the need to confess everything to her. I know it would ruin her trust with me and she will break up with me so I don’t want to tell her because I feel that it would ruing something great over a girl who I not longer even talk to. And I want the exact opposite, to build a strong relationship with my girlfriend. I have heard things that everything doesn’t need to be told but is that selfish? Or maybe I’m just putting that guilt into her instead to make myself feel better?

    I really just needed to get all of this off of my chest and on “paper” because it’s been giving me anxiety over the last 2 days. I’m not even sure what made me think about this or why now and not a few weeks ago. Any advice would be helpful. Should I tell her and risk our relationship? It’s not something I would ever do again and I would never want to hurt my girlfriend.

    Thanks!

    June 20, 2025 at 10:44 am #446993
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    Thank you for sharing this. It’s clear you’ve spent time reflecting not just on your actions, but on your values—and that speaks to your integrity. The fact that you’re asking, “Is that selfish?” already shows how much you care, not just about the relationship, but about your girlfriend’s emotional wellbeing.

    And here’s the heart of it: sparing her unnecessary stress isn’t selfish. It’s loving.

    You said yourself: “I didn’t want to and I felt bad about the situation especially because I’m deeply in love with my girlfriend.”- You recognized in the moment that your actions didn’t align with the kind of relationship you want to build—and then, you stopped. You set a boundary and honored it. That matters. That speaks more to your growth than the original misstep.

    Here’s something gentle to consider: you mentioned that your guilt surfaced suddenly, weeks later. That kind of delayed self-blame can sometimes trace back to earlier experiences. As a child, were you allowed to make mistakes without being shamed? Or were you made to feel that getting it wrong meant you were wrong?

    If so, maybe the deeper question isn’t: “Should I tell her to relieve my conscience?” Maybe it’s: “Can I hold myself accountable, grow from this, and protect what we’re building—without needing her to carry pain that no longer belongs in our story?”

    You’re already doing the harder thing—sitting with discomfort, being honest with yourself, and choosing to love better. That’s how trust is built: not through perfection, but by aligning your actions with your values over time.

    You sound like someone who deeply values connection, honesty, and doing the right thing—even when it’s uncomfortable. That’s a powerful foundation for love to grow on.

    With respect, Anita

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