Hi there,

Im new to Tiny Buddha also, but read your thread and wanted to say Hi.

I really understand what you are saying – I’ve had very similar experiences. I had a brilliant brother and I always felt second best. I married a loser who turned out to be a nasty control freak, he just kept reminding me how useless I was – So I became useless.

My mindset was “I’m not worthy of my family, I’m not worthy of my husband, I’m not worthy of my children. I suffered from depression and hated myself, I gained weight, had no friends and was totally isolated by my self hatred.

I realised I wasnt going to be a good role model for my two young children and that my husband was just making me feel even more awful about myself, and that for my childrens sake I must do something to change.

I sought help from my GP and got referred to a therapist in secret – as I knew my husband would freak out if he knew.
Over the next few months I became stronger and learned how to accept who I was and actually like myself!!

I gained lots of confidence and found myself doing things I never could of dreamt of – I actually experienced how it felt to feel a sense of achievement and pride, and it felt so good!!

I’ve never looked back – that was 20 years ago. I’m now middle aged and my two eldest kids are grown, and are great people who I’m deeply proud of.
I found the strengh finally to leave my husband and I have never looked back. I remarried a few years later (and had 2 more wonderul kids), to a guy who has spent every day since telling me how much he loves me, how much he’s proud of me and so on.
That together with the inner strength I had already found, helped me become the real person that was until then, hidden inside me.

There is hope Zee – however bad things seem, however bad you feel about yourself, and however scared you are of finding out how strong you can be, you
CAN!!! and I’m sure you will.

Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself ” I’m a good person, I’m a strong person, I’m worthy of my place in this world and I’m darn well gonna make the best of it”

You can do it!! ………….If I can anyone can – when I look back to the scared, weak and self loathing girl I was its like looking at a different person, I just left her behind and finally became ME…..and I loved it.

And once I finally started to believe in myself it really was only a few months before I turned a corner, so I’m sure you will too.

Hope I havent rambled on too much, just read your post and wanted to let you know how much I understand and empathise with you – All the very best hun

Sarah xx

Hey there! I’m MC (and I’m new too :P)

I can relate. I do stuff all the time that I judge myself afterwards for. Although, what really helped me, is not to push the thoughts away, but to… this is gonna sounds weird…accept them. I am not talking about a passive acceptation, where I just abandon my goals and say to myself: ok, that’s the way it is, so be it.

But to accept that side of myself as a voice that I own, as a part of me. Like a mother loving equally all her children.( I know, how can I love myself if I play video games until 7 am and then feel exhausted even before going to work?? Right? ) But that part needs to feel the love. What really helped me generate that genuine love towards myself is a regular meditation practice. I try to sit daily. And go on retreats every year. For me, it worked. The first time I felt self-compassion was like… 2 years ago. I’ve been meditating for some years, but I’ve been mainly doing it as everything else : to get something out of it. It was a project to a better me. And one week-end, I don’t know, I was in the dinning room, just trying to be mindful while eating, and I noticed how resentful my mind was, and over silly things : I wanted my comfort food, and there was none.

And then it hit me.

I realized I’m miserable when I think stuff like that. And I think because I had time and the opportunity to look at this in detail (I was on retreat, what else is there to do, right?? :P) I realized a huge chuck of my life is occupied with feelings like that. What a silly way to live!!! And this huge wave of tenderness came from within, tenderness for this ignorant woman, who was trying her very best and still falling short in her own eyes.

Since then, I’ve read up on that, and learned that, apparently, compassion is the natural tendency of the mind when faced with suffering. Suffering of oneself or others. But the thing is we are so distracted by everything outside, we don’t even realize it. That’s why, for me, the retreat opportunity was conducive to feeling that.

Almost a year later, I still struggle with my addictions, but I forgive myself and keep on trying. I have awesome days and less-awesome, but I feel like I’ve found my way.

I think to accept yourself fully, all the time, that is a feat worthy of a Buddha. But to live happily, day in and day out and have a life you love, that is a challenge I feel ready to tackle!

All the best to you in your future discoveries.
🙂

” But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
-I don’t remember who said this, but it sums it up nicely!

PS: Here is some stuff you might be interested in looking up:
http://www.truenorthinsight.org/
http://www.Dhamma.org

Home

http://www.spiritrock.org/ (These are meditation centers website, I mean, they are all over the place…you can compare, write, ask questions…most of them have suggested reading if you’re not into actually going there.)