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How to not get discouraged when trying to make friends in adulthood

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  • September 2, 2025 at 10:05 pm #449215
    MissLDuchess
    Participant

    I’ve been reflecting on my social struggles and the lingering pain I still carry from college. Despite trying, I didn’t make a single friend during those years. I had a difficult roommate and often had to go home on weekends just to get a few hours of sleep. Most people I met were very different from me, and finding common ground felt nearly impossible. Growing up, I faced bullying for being Venezuelan, struggled with shyness, and only recently received my NVLD diagnosis—if I’d known sooner, maybe things would’ve been easier socially.

    I was lucky to have a positive experience at my international school, where I connected with a few kind peers. But college was a different story: even people who seemed like “perfect friends on paper” turned out cold or unkind. My well-meaning mom often tried to push me toward friendships she thought would work, but they never aligned with who I really am.

    Now, at almost 27, I have many acquaintances but very few true friends—one from childhood, one from middle school, a few from international school, and some I met living abroad after college. Today I went to a book club and, while I didn’t have high expectations, I didn’t click with anyone and felt awkward. Still, I’m trying not to throw in the towel. I want to keep putting myself out there, open to connection, and cultivate real, supportive friendships.

    How do I heal from being socially isolated in college, stop old wounds from influencing new relationships, and finally find the people I truly click with? I’d love to hear from anyone who’s faced similar challenges or has advice for making genuine adult friendships.

    September 2, 2025 at 10:43 pm #449216
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Miss Duchess

    You are doing really well trying your best! I’m proud of you. ❤️

    I’m sorry to hear about your experiences with racism. It is so petty and never okay.

    Outside of the concerns with friendship. How was the book club?

    It takes time to develop friendships, especially in a group setting. You are still getting to know people. It is expected to feel awkward as a shy newcomer.

    My advice would be to focus on your passion – the books. Perhaps it might relax you a little? I could be wrong though! ❤️

    September 3, 2025 at 3:28 am #449225
    MissLDuchess
    Participant

    I’m not going to lie it was awkward and I didn’t click with anyone. It was a mini book club where they gather a bunch of people to discuss an article rather than an actual novel. It was mainly small talk and discussing the novel. My issue is that at these group events I find myself feeling awkward and left out if I feel others are having more in common than me whether it’s because they’re closer in age or work in the same field. I have an alumni mixer for my graduate school tomorrow and hopefully that will be a bit better.

    September 3, 2025 at 6:24 am #449230
    silvery blue
    Participant

    Hello Miss Duchess,

    it is hard. I think it really takes time and also a lot of learning and growing… There is no universal advice or cure for this.

    I personally keep trying… as you wrote, “I want to keep putting myself out there, open to connection, and cultivate real, supportive friendships.” I agree. And maybe it’s the best way…

    We have to accept that there might be more dissapointments, because the world is so vast… and people are so different and sometimes complicated… It is not easy to make a genuine friendship, to find the “right” one. It can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack.

    I really like that you try and you don’t get bitter. ❤️

    BTW, what are your thoughts on online friendships?

    🦋

    September 3, 2025 at 7:50 am #449235
    MissLDuchess
    Participant

    Online friendships helped me get through really lonely times like college but if I’d known years ago that I’d lost 2 full years of my early 20’s thanks to a pandemic maybe I’d have been better and putting myself out there more. Nothing compared to having a friend in close proximity.

    September 3, 2025 at 10:44 am #449245
    silvery blue
    Participant

    Was the covid period hard for you, MissLDuchess?

    I understand. I would love to have a female friend irl. 😊

    But I have a great female friend Alessa at least online! ❤️

    I socialize on forums, also discord… you can send voice messages or call each other on discord. But you must be careful, of course.

    I like that I can meet people from the other side of the planet online and get to know them.

    And here and there a real friendship arise… even though only online.

    We must keep trying. 😊

    🦋

    September 3, 2025 at 11:21 am #449247
    MissLDuchess
    Participant

    Definitely because I was 21 and about to graduate college. I was really hoping to put myself out there in the real world and try to find myself. 5 years later I’ve done a lot and have met lots of great people, learned many lessons, and matured a lot but still feel lonely.

    September 3, 2025 at 7:28 pm #449268
    silvery blue
    Participant

    I think it is very common to feel lonely.

    The paradox is that it happens even when we are not lonely – we have friends, a partner, …

    Because it is a feeling. And we must work with it internally. Nothing or noone from outside can solve loneliness… because it is inside.

    🦋

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