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silvery blue.
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October 6, 2025 at 8:27 pm #450632
anitaParticipantI got this idea of starting this thread when I read Jana’s Inner Child exercise & notes today.
I chose to post this under “Parenting” because of what parenting shouldn’t be about.
Yesterday, I had a terribly angry confrontation with a woman irl. I felt retraumatized, shocked, stayed up most of the night thinking, thinking.
It was absolutely terrible.
As I am typing this, I am imagining that I am not alone, that you are reading my words, Jana, that you are kind and understanding, not judging me.. I hope.
I am typing out whatever comes to my mind.
There are many details but it came down to.. well, almost a physical fight and she (I’ll call her S) yelling, threatening and breaking glass (yes..🙁), and all that in front of many people irl!
To me, it felt like my brain got an electrical or mechanical shock, I felt S O O O B B B A A A D D D..!!!
It all happened so fast, A.N.G.E.R took over. The feeling took over and she spoke.. Anger spoke.
She, S, broke glass and ceremonially left yelling.
I didn’t yell, my anger was different, it was in the look in my eyes.
It was close to a physical fight.
Thing is, objectively, after much reflection- she has wronged me. But I was UNSKILLFUL in responding.. I reacted and (almost) all hell broke loose. Just a touch from a feast fight.
… And I almost regretted NOT getting into a physical fight. Too much self-control is excruciating when anger is strong, demanding attention!
Going back to childhood, child-me facing HER (mother), Big, Strong, Threatening, Dominating.
The R.A.G.E in the heart of the child (little-girl Anita), the instinctual resistance to being completely overpowered/ overtaken/ going belly up- a devastating surrender. A death while still technically alive.
The parenting I experienced in real-life was that of a humiliating surrender. A personal erasure.. a devastating “You (mother) matter. I don’t, no, not at all. I am a Nothing. A nobody.. The price for me getting along with you is Complete Surrender.
I can’t tell you how not okay that is..
Back to yesterday, I am guessing she couldn’t.. I couldn’t.. when one has to Win, the other- to Lose.. and no one in the midst to have what it takes- in the moment- to make sense of it all.
More tomorrow, if you let me, if you’re with me.
Anita
October 6, 2025 at 9:01 pm #450633anitaParticipant* A fist fight (not a feast fight).. for crying out loud 😔
October 6, 2025 at 10:29 pm #450636
silvery blueParticipantAnita, I am sending 🫂🧡
Was there anyone who helped you and supported you?
Do you want to share what made her so angry? It’s not your fault. People are very nervous, angry these days. When I go shopping, I try to spread a positive mood, I smile at people and there are only a small handful of people who return it. There are people who even take a smile as a provocation and get triggered…
What a shame that being a truly kind, polite, and compassionate person requires such self-discipline, while being impolite, angry is so easy because people get carried away by their habit energy. People don’t take care of themselves, let alone each other.
You don’t have to answer, but I was wondering how your husband acts in situations like this? Is he there for you to help you? Does he know about your mother and childhood and how does he react to it? I ask because I think it’s very helpful when the person closest to us in real life understands and takes care. 🧡
🦋
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.