Long story short, I have kissed another person while recently becoming exclusive with someone I’ve been seeing for about a year.

We live in a tourist town with seasonal workers, people who come and go, and lots of confusion and uncertainty. We are both from different places, him from a different country. When we first got together, I fell for him so hard and saw a future but it didn’t seem reciprocated. To protect my own feelings I distanced myself emotionally. He did the same at times too.

Recently however, we have agreed to be exclusive. He asked me angrily, also drunkenly, to be exclusive as he thought I was bringing home loads of people, but I wasn’t. There was one guy that he knew I’d kissed, and I think that’s where that came from. Even though I hesitated to say yes, I ultimately did because the thought of losing him killed me.

Fast forward, the past few weeks have been so confusing with him. We both have plans to leave this place at the end of the summer, but he’s applying for jobs elsewhere while I’m looking to go home. He’s had these little emotional and petty outbursts that have left me feeling down. So that scared me cause is this inevitably meant to end? Then when he got upset and emotional about things, he let it out in ways that I didn’t like, being petty and passive aggressive and making snide comments and things that hurt my feelings. Sometimes I get scared about his emotional reactions.

However, that does not excuse what I did. A few nights ago, I was out with friends, and one of my friends has shown interest in me. That night, he tried to kiss me. I said no multiple times as I’m seeing someone and he knows it too.
However, after an emotional conversation, alcohol (no excuse, just lower inhibition), we kissed for a while.

I woke up the next morning sick to my stomach, full of regret and disgust, disappointment, confusion, fear. I’ve never done this before, never agreed to be exclusive or dating someone and crossed that physical line.

I don’t recognize myself. I’m going to tell him, and I know there’s a strong strong chance he won’t forgive me. He’s expressed how these things don’t fly him and I’ve always reassured him, and now, I’ve essentially validated his fears.

I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore and with us. I’m not trying to hide it, I will confess and accept the consequences of my actions.

I just think… I ruined everything. Had I just communicated my fears, let him tell me his, be honest with my hesitations, let him be honest with his, try to map out a plan for the future after this place instead of assuming an end and assuming he wants an end too, if I would’ve just been better and not let the confusion and emotions and fear lead me into this situation, it may have all been different.

He’s not perfect but he’s sweet with me, he knows his shortcomings and tries his best, he’s smart and driven and athletic and loves his family and treats me well. He’s someone I can see having a family with.

And now there’s a chance it can’t be the same again. If he did forgive me, I’d be endlessly grateful and would want to get out of this grey area. This grey area we’ve both been feeling has maybe made us act in ways that isn’t truly us. I think his emotions come from that grey area, and I think me doing that came from that same place. I think we’re just both at our limits with being confused and unsure with us.

I just wish he can see how horrible and guilty and regretful and sorry I feel. I’ve been crying for 2 days endlessly, not being able to eat or sleep or do anything without crying and having these stomach pains and headaches and shortness of breath. It’s eating my up inside every moment I’m awake and I can barely live with what I’ve done. I will never but myself in this situation again as I cannot live with the guilt and the reality that I have crossed a major line with someone I care so much for. Even if I know that… I don’t know if he ever will.

Please, without judgment if possible, help me. What do I say to him? What do I do? Am I a terrible person, not worthy of a loving stable relationship? I don’t know what to do with myself anymore…

Thank you for reading.